Friend needs some help

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I actually have a friend comming to me for advise on his marrage. I told him I have problems of my own and my marriage isn't the best, but I would do some "research"(ask you guys).

I have been reading some books on marriage, His Needs/Her needs by Harley. Doing my own work on marriage and hoping that helping friend will help me also. My friends name is Randy, he has been married about 10 yrs and they have 2 kids, 8 & 5. He said they have sex once a month(as a guy I know this may mean 2-3/month). He doesn't think she is physically attracted to him. I've known her a long time, and she does like to "look around", but I don't think she would cheat on him. He got a bow-flex type exercise machine, used it a little then sold it at a garage sale. He's not a bad look'n guy, not too over weight or anything.

His questions to me were "How do you turn a wife on? What do they want? 6pk abs? Better dresser? How do I get her to want me?"

I told him he needs to address her intimate emotional needs. (Pretty good, huh I got that from a book) I told him to wine her and dine her, listen and give imput on what she wants to talk about, ask her how her day went, give her a back rub while listening, etc.

Then it kinda ended there. Is this what a woman wants? I have come to believe that looks aren't #1 on a womans list. I know every woman is different, but what to you ladies think? Guys, what have you learned?

I haven't been to the site in a while, busy with work and reading. Decided to quit cry'n about my marriage and started reading books. I studied in school on many things, finance, the world, managing people, math, english, etc..........but never marriage. I honestly think that high school & college should have a class on marriage. There is alot to think about, much of which is long term. Back then I knew what I was going to do the next weekend, never worried about the next 5 yrs.

If you can help I'd appreciate it. Thanks

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Hey Luckylad, good to see ya.

Yeah, I know just what you mean about studying marriage as a subject. Totally agree.

Hmm, I think you've given good advice. I'd add "listen" -- ask her stuff, see what she says. Not necessarily "how can I turn you on...?" -- she might feel pressured/ put on the spot. But stuff like "If we had a whole weekend to ourselves, what would you most want to do?" Doesn't even have to be that pointed, though, just ask her questions about her day, whatever, get her talking and really listen to the answers. There are probably clues there.

I think looks can definitely come into it for women but moreso on the negative side of the equation -- bad facial hair, overweight, etc. If he's basically good-looking, I agree that it's probably a better idea to focus on the interpersonal/ emotional stuff rather than on buffing up.

Good luck to him!

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A woman wants to feel like she's special. Like she's the most compelling, fascinating person you've ever met. Like your world lights up when she walks in the room.

Fake it if you have to....and pretty soon you'll mean it.

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I agree w/Eva about a woman wanting to feel she's special, and a particular man lights up when she enters a room. That's enough for me now that I'm in my 40s, but when I was in my 20s, that wouldn't have been enough. I wanted 6-pack abs, not any keg barrel bellies, I liked strong arms, sexy eyes and smiles, I liked men who wielded power (either in work or in sports) but would stop to spend time with me (kinda like simply feeling special, but to alpha men, rather than average men.) I also had a bit of the naughty dare-devil in me, so if you asked me to engage in carnal knowelege where there was a risk of harm to life/limb or getting caught, that would've turned me on and made me more into spontaneous sex than the ole back rub and candlelight routine in the privacy of the marital home would've.

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Oh yeah. When I was in my 20s, I had a very long list, too. But what I said before was still the MOST important. I have known truly ugly men that were always surrounded by gorgeous women because they knew how women want to be treated and followed through.

Ooh, alpha males. <shivers> Yes, yes. When one of those treats you like a queen, it is impossible to resist.

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Had a good talk w/Randy today. He understands the romance and needs to work on that. We also said the same thing as Eva & Princesspupule. Women want the good looking stud, and when they have avg. joe at home they will go out hunting. Maybe it was just two dumbass'(Randy & I) sitting on my tailgate drinking beer, but I think we hit the nail on the head. Women aren't that much different than men, they will stray just as often as men. Some men won't, some will. We believe our wives would stray if they had the chance. I don't know about Randy, but I never have and NEVER will. Bash me all you want, but I NEVER will.

Randy is still at sq 1, and I think I'm back'n up to sq 1 when I thought I was past that bad spot. Randy is gonna work on romance, not to get laid but to work on his wife, and not her ________.

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I dunno.

A guy who can make me laugh can get a long long way. I've noticed that men who make me laugh suddenly look verra verra attractive. Luckily, I know a particularly funny guy Cool

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Yes, wit trumps all, and if not wit, sheer funniness.

Well, maybe not all, but it sure helps.

I should explain that, to me, to have wit is to have perspective.

Genuine respect is important and hard to fake.

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LuckyLad wrote:

We also said the same thing as Eva & Princesspupule. Women want the good looking stud, and when they have avg. joe at home they will go out hunting. Maybe it was just two dumbass'(Randy & I) sitting on my tailgate drinking beer, but I think we hit the nail on the head. Women aren't that much different than men, they will stray just as often as men. Some men won't, some will. We believe our wives would stray if they had the chance. I don't know about Randy, but I never have and NEVER will. Bash me all you want, but I NEVER will.

I think you're putting words into my mouth if you're claiming I said women hunt for men. If anything, I'd say they gather men. Now, whether it's like gathering berries or like a flame draws moths to gather around, that seems to depend on the woman. I'll agree w/you and Randy, women stray as often as men do.

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Princess, that is just how I took it at that time. I apologize if I made you mad.

New update to this problem. I'm going to tell Randy to buy some books. His needs/ Her needs by Harley. He has 2 that I know of, one dealing with kids and marriage and the other dealing with affairs and how to keep the other from having an affair.

I must be pregnant or something, because these two books I mentiond have had me on an emotional roller coaster. (Yes I'm a man, yes this a little joke, yes it has been up and down fast) I would like to tell everyone to go out and buy his books. They have helped me so much words can't describe. Reading his book last night, from 8pm to 3:30am, on affairs I could see that my wife (then engaged not married) probably had an "affair". At first I was mad thinking she is so inconsiderate, but I kept reading. Now I realize it was my fault, not wanting to hurt her but to hold her and talk.......tell her how much I do love her. Simply amazing how I feel. I almost want to stop reading, seams now (oddly enough the sun is just comming up here)....seams now that I see the light. My eyes are open.

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Well, I myself believe that in order to make someone else happy, I have to be happy first. Otherwise all the attention, however well meant, may turn into smothering, and spouse might be running to get a breath of fresh air. Sounds like your friend has not only relationship, but also a bit of existential crisis, so why not start from himself? Does he feel that his life is fulfilled? is he content with himself? relationship, no matter how good, is not a cure for all. We women want our men (mostly) to be confident, to know what they want and work at getting to it.... we want to be proud of them.
so, i would ask your friend how content he is with his life outside this relatitonship, how does he get along with himself, are there any issues to work on? nothing is more appealing than a person who is cofident, who knows his own worth, is at ease and happy with himself. to me that would be the right place to start, i think.

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That is a good point dagmaraka. He does not "carry himself" in a manner that tells me he is confident, but I don't know how his wife see's him. His dad is a real prick and probably knocked Randys self esteem. I helped the guy one time and that was it. Randy probably needs some confidence built up.

I'd like to talk to his wife, but think that this is something that is intimate and only for them. I don't want to cross the line and make matters worse. Like everything worth while, this will take time.

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LuckyLad, I don't have anything to add to the good advice you've gotten already, I am just popping in to say how great it is that both you and your friend are so commited to working on your relationships. Good for both of you! It's nice to know there are men out there who will put so much effort into it, and are willing to read the books, talk about it, etc... Very Happy

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I'm always more likely to feel romantic if Mr. Noddy and I have spent some active time together. Watching television is not a romantic prelude.

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One thing that really stands out for me in regards to my failed marriage and how I felt in the last years of it was the intimacy. I was less interested in sex because it felt like it was something he was expecting. Like he needed his fix, it became less of an intimate excounter between two people. I just didn't feel that he was interested in making love to me in particular or with me as his wife. As it turns out he was slowly disengaging from the marriage as he explained to me when he left.

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Quote:

Then it kinda ended there. Is this what a woman wants? I have come to believe that looks aren't #1 on a womans list. I know every woman is different, but what to you ladies think? Guys, what have you learned?

Believe me, I have the same questions myself regarding men. I'm just interested in finding someone who loves me unconditionally, who wants to love me and share life with me. I want the bedroom to truely be a place where we can share a trusting,wholesome and nurturing bond.Wild sex would be great too, but the point is that I want a man who truely loves me for who I am and tells me as well as shows me this. A good sense of humor is a plus and I agree with being with a man who is confident in himself and has a positive outlook on life. Someone who is happy enough with himself that he wants me to be happy too.

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Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. No candles, no sweets dear.
If u keep doing what those people are telling u u will end up having sex on christmas eve as a presend from santa clause.
Women are maniacs, dear. Make her feel jealuous. A few phone calls to some stranger, start dressing nicer, start spending more time with ur friends and u will notice that she will start getting all alerted. Listen, she is taking u for granted...she is setting up the rules, not u. And when woman does that, she is not even happy herself.
A friend of mine, was married to a guy for 7 years and he was all nice and stuff and used to give her flowers tell her how much he loves her. She could tell him "I am not coming home tonight" and he would not even fight with her over that. She left him for a russian guy who is keeping her on her toes-She is worried and paranoid most of the time, but, heck, I think she really likes it. She is not leaving him and says, might be strange, that the less attention men pay to woman, the more thy want them.
If u want, I will help ur friend, give me his number and I will make a few phone calls, and his wife will fire up and would f**k him all weekend. Twisted Evil

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Ah, more great relationship advice from NoNe. Rolling Eyes

You have friends and everything, m'dear? Well, I guess that qualifies you.

May I suggest you try the "Original Writing" forum? You seem to have a real talent for fiction.

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Eva wrote:

Ah, more great relationship advice from NoNe.

You have friends and everything, m'dear? Well, I guess that qualifies you.

May I suggest you try the "Original Writing" forum? You seem to have a real talent for fiction.

Yes, I have friends, family, parents who have been married for 25 years.
Eva, russians have a very good saying "Do not tell me what to do and I won't have to show u where to go"
I am not trying to be rude, but what do u want?
do not like me-SKIP MY POSTS then, dear.

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oh no, not the russians! there we go again.

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Friend needs some help

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