THE BRITISH THREAD

hey, I didn't mean it like that

:wink:

to be "on the piss" means drinking to get drunk which can be done in a pub, in the comfort of your own or someone elses home, local park, bus stop etc..

Before this topic shifts to something more Christmassy, what does "Don't piss on my chips mean"?

Personally, I've not heard this expression being used but it may be in use on other parts of the country.

I would guess that it means "Don't ruin things for me"? ...or something similar.

I know when someone is being particularly grumpy, people will say "Who's pissed on your cornflakes this morning?"

There's a lovely image. Would put you off cornflakes, I'd think.

pissing in someones pocket.

ingenuouse or unneccessary compliments.

"Don't rain on my parade"?

I know. :wink:

Okay, porridge this morning.

I prefer my porridge not to be cooked in the microwave, but will she listen?

I have a problem. A month ago my wife told me not to think about buying her any Christmas presents, but I'm finding out now from several hints that she did not expect those remarks to be taken absolutely at face value.

Oh, you foolish man...

Better get yourself to the Arndale!

Mornin' everyone - I've been on the piss, and I am paying for it this morning. I need a fry-up.

x

ummmmahhhhh Mctags doing porridge

Tell her a friend in Australia is buying her present, that will buy you a little time.

What is your good wife making your breakfast for, McT?

Did your arms drop off?

x

Demarkation and strict division of labour.

I make the soups, she makes the porridge.

I make the mess, she clears it up.

I've been sent now to get some streaky bacon and a packet of mixed nuts, so I'm walking into town, where I'll also pick up a festive magazine or two, maybe The Spectator and The Oldie for some relaxed Yuletide reading.

Correctomundos

Went to see a friend, had some Glenfiddich, had some more, came back.

Mince and tatties for tea.

Been scrumming with the massed throng in the High Street, and then had a singsong with twenty old grannies, as my Mum played various wartime hits on the organ whilst wearing both her dentures and party hat at a funny angle.
Debit card and shoes worn out, feeling queasy from mince pies and sherry with the grannies, all I need is to watch a Tarzan film whilst sitting next to famously flatulent Uncle Tommy to really make it feel like a complete Christmas experience.

Ho Ho Ho!

Mind you, Arsenal have just beaten Blackburn 6 - 2, .....so the day's turning out to be pretty good, after all! (insert six smileys here)

It's a good job them Arsenal Cockney's only get about six weeks a season to grin.


SPENDI.

It's died in here, have you seen the script?

I've seen more action on a nuns pubes than these cockney's can generate by themselves.

Cracking week as well, Ralph is retiring next year, and he's bought an old petrol station, de-tanked and de-contaminated. Shop still standing etc. So he's selling convenience stuff about 14 hours a day, two young women working it for him. He intends knocking it down to build a fancy pad there, but its making him a few quid as it is, and paying two wages, can't be bad. Anyhow, the bogs were blocked up and he asked me to give him a hand to clear the drains. They were bloody chocker, crusty and ripe. Three man holes solid and all leading into a cess pit. We couldn't get a sucker wagon anywhere. So we set to with rods, it was going no where. Ralph goes out, comes back with ten gallon mixed petrol and diesel, pours some into each chocker man hole flushed about four gallon down the bogs which was coming out on the over-spills. He put the man holes back except for one, and he threw a burning rag in there. It was rumbling, blowing and then two mighty bangs blowing two man holes off, **** everywhere, we were running for it and got pebble dashed with style all down our backs. Funny part though, this guy had gone into the shop toilet as we had come out apparently, nobody had noticed. He was covered from head to bloody toe in ****, holding his pants up with both hands. Quick as a flash, Ralph said, "What have you done mate," the pan is shattered and flames are coming out of the stack.

The bloke say's " I only farted, I cant understand it."

Ralph says, "Well you'd best get out of here quick, before the boss comes, and keep your gob shut, it'll cost a packet to put this lot right."

The bloke say's, "Thanks mate"

And off he went in a Mini Cooper, I bet that reeked.

Me and Ralph hosed down and left in his pick up. The drain guys will be out next Wednesday, and a plumber.

1.

2.

Sorry to break in on your thread, but I'm having a bit of a problem.

Seems someone just bought the house across the street from me, and when I went over to introduce myself, I had a devil of a time at first catching his name.

In my best American way, I solved the immediate issue by saying "Whut?", upon which he let fly a few other words before repeating the name.

"AH HA"! I thought to myself, "He can't fool me! He's speaking English"!!!

By channeling smorgs, lord ellpus and dorothy parker, I was able to determine his first name was "martin".....To verify, I said to him "Oh! Martin!"

I don't know why, but he gave a slight shiver when I said he name. I hope he wasn't becoming aroused by me. If he was, he covered it up pretty well by saying "er, yes".

So, what exactly should I say to "Martin" when I see him, to let him know that I'm not interested in him "that" way, but to make him aware he's welcome to come over and borrow a circular saw or quart of soy milk any time he wants?

pip pip