Don Rumsfeld Orders Breakfast at Denny's

That's a good question. Am I ready to order? Let me answer it a little off to the side.

First of all, there are things that we know. I can look at this menu and see that. But there's a danger there. Do I "know" that hash browns are not included in the Original Grand Slam Breakfast? It says that on the menu, which, by the way, is nicely laminated and we're grateful to the laminator. But getting back to the hash-brown potatoes. I should "know" that they're not included.

The real truth is, there are no "knowns." This is a whole new menu. Are we in the past? No. Are we using the past's menu? No. Are there things that we know we know? Not exactly.

There are known unknowns. That is to say that there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. These are things that we don't know we don't know. Got that? I want you to note that on the check.

By the way, the Meat Lover's Skillet is a fine piece of work. Thank you for putting that together.

Now, as far as ordering. First, juice. And a small glass of skim milk. Then, to answer the question that I know you were going to ask, yes, this maybe isn't the healthiest place to eat, but we're here. That much is not debatable. We're here. Here. Not someplace else. Not there. Back in philosophy class, that's what we used to call a "given." Now, who said we should be here? We don't know. Who picked this place? I can't say. Who drove the car? I wasn't paying attention. Who's paying for this? That will become clear. Where do we sit? Anywhere you like. Do you like a booth or a movable seat? Makes no difference. Do you want to sit facing the door? Not at this time.

All these questions are not "givens." We can talk about them and we will talk about them when the time is right. Now is not the time or the place to talk. It's the time to order, and that's exactly what we're doing.

Now, another thing. Does this place have a hell of a lot of cholesterol on the menu? Sure. Does cholesterol result in clogged arteries? Probably. Do clogged arteries cause cardiac events? Sometimes. Is it a good idea to clog up all your arteries so your blood stops moving completely? I doubt it. Has the blood completely stopped moving in several parts of my body? Sure. Am I going to grab my chest, fall on the ground, and twist my face into a grotesque mask of pain? Absolutely. Am I gonna go ahead and order the Original Grand Slam Breakfast? You betcha.

Look. I want bacon and sausage. Now, let me stop right here. Bacon is, we all know, and nobody seriously doubts it anymore, very similar to sausage. They both come from pigs, they're both cooked, and they're both eaten. They're similar. S-I-M-I-L-A-R. They're not the same. S-A-M-E. If they were the same, I wouldn't be ordering both of them. I don't think the most liberal person in the world can deny that, unless he wants to maintain the existence of a parallel universe, with spacemen and ray guns.

Now, is there going to be a cost for this? Sure. Will it be a high cost? I don't know. Am I going to pay for it? Don't know. Am I going to pretend I'm going to the bathroom and then just bolt on the check? Maybe. Are they going to catch me getting into my car? Not if I send somebody out to start the car and pull it up right outside the door so I can just run out and dive into the back seat. Do I have a good chance of getting away with it? Absolutely. Is this a crime? I personally think of it as defending myself from breakfast items of exorbitant price. Period.

It's just a rational way of dealing with expense, a very forward-looking, sensible way of dealing with breakfast in a very cost-conscious manner. That's all.

Thank you very much.


The New Yorker