Expects me to share her with her Ex-husband

I have been having a serious relationship with a woman for about 2 months now. She professes love and desire for marriage and spending her life with me. In the beginning I saw that Sundays were spoken for if a nice day, as she would get together with her ex-husband (the first of 3 failed marriages) to get stoned and ride on the back of his motorcycle with him for the day. This is part of a group of mostly his friends (now her friends too) who do things together. They all live in another town about an hour away. She claims that they have maintained a friendship since before they were even married which is a total of 20 years. She expressed her friendship with him as a tender one but totally just friends with no physical contact as in sex etc. They had this friendship through her other marriages and relationships as well. I will refer to her as GF as I have seen in this forum. She is in her mid 30's and educated. The ex-husband seems like a nice guy, and I think semi-professional, not a biker type at all (not that there's anything wrong with that...)

My birthday fell on a Sunday but she did not know it was my birthday until the day before when GF found out. We were seeing each other for about a month at this point. She had not told me she was planning her routine bike ride for this particular Sunday. The night before she planned the first introduction of me to her 1st ex-husband and some of his friends by having all of us go to a movie. The seating was me, GF, ex-husband and then the rest. GF is normally very affectionate towards me and throughout the movie she was deliberately distant. She would not hold my hand or lean towards me or anything. When leaving the movie the ex-husband had made a comment to GF that he can see she doesn't have time for him anymore because of.... and he looked over at me with a questionably dirty look. Once in car she tried to hold my hand and I was not very receptive and she asked that was her punishment. So she knew very well that she did something uncool.

The next day, my birthday, she was going to get together with her ex-husbnad for a day long motorcycle ride anyway. I would have changed my plans if the tables were reversed given the feelings involved and trying to nurture a love relationship. But of course that's me...not her. In fact it was so important to her to go on this get together that when I asked who was watching her kids she said nobody but she didn't care and that she needed to go on this ride.

To fast forward we talked this out and she realized that she was not being considerate of my feelings and had created a situation where she was uncomfortabe showing her feelings for me in front of the ex-husband. She claims she didn't want him to think she was moving to fast etc. or something to that effect. This is in light of her other failed relationships etc. From this point she did stop the definate regular Sunday excursions. But made another visit with them for a dinner at someone's house. I also asked her hypothetically if I had a motorcycle how that would affect things. She said that would be great and that we could all ride together but that she would have to divide her time equally between me and her ex-husband. Are all of you reading this and reacting the way I did? At this point in the relationship GF is already more or less telling me she loves me and more.

She talks to him on the phone but had not gotten together with him or the other's for a few weeks. I thought it was because the ex-husband had gone away for a few weeks as I heard he was going to. Over this weekend he called while I was with GF and she made plans for him to come to her house to have lunch and a visit with her and her kids. I was freakin' out wondering if she was going to exclude me from this visit as it seemed that she and her ex did not feel comfortable having me around. She did extend me an open invitation to come over at anytime during that day when he would be there. I didn't go because I did not want to deal with her maintaining the cold distance that she did at the movies.

We talked about this yesterday and she claims she would not have been distant because she has told him how she feels about me now. She has explained that he is a very good friend and that he also has a relationship with her kids. I know he comes around for holidays and buys persents for the kids and seems to be a part of many things normally reserved for direct members of a familly. By the way he is not the father of her kids. She told me that there would be times when she would want to spend time with her ex-husband without me around (am I justified and thinking something is radically wrong here?) I thought for a while that perhaps as her feelings for me grew and our relationship moved forward that she might not have the need, attachement or whatever it is with her ex-husband. I asked her about her comment about dividing her time equally between me and her ex-husband. She told me that her riding time with this guy is symbolic for her and that it is a big part of who she is. In other words she stands by that statement. Again am I justified in freakin' out a bit and seeing this as unacceptable for a healthy, normal loving relationship that might lead to marriage? I can imagine that some are going to ask what's wrong with me that I would not leave a long time ago. I'm trying to rise about petty, jealous feelings especially if they are based on nothing more than insecurities. This is hard to sort out.

It seems to me that she wants her cake and to eat it too. She more or less wants me to share her with her ex-husband. Granted we are not talking about sexually but that's only a part of a relationship. I am thinking that this rather, seemingly unusual relationship with her 1st ex-husband might have been affecting and ruining all her other relationships and marriages. I also wonder if she and the ex are in some kind of denial about their feelings for each other. She told me after she divorced her second husband that she and the first ex-husband talked about the possibility of getting back together but decided that there was nothing there and so they did not. It sounds pretty clear that this relationship adversely affected her last relationship before me as this guy was not happy with this situation.

I guess the worse potential is that they are in denial and that might come out some day and I will bare the brunt of the pain of the consequences especailly if we ended up getting married. I don't like the idea of her getting stoned period. I like it less that she is doing it with her ex-husband and even less that they are being stupid and riding around on a motorcycle stoned.

It seems to me that she would be better off getting back together with him and having a more normal relationship and life, rather than continuing to have one after another of failed relationships and marriages and hurting other people along the way, especially if the reason or part of the reason these are failing is because of this ex-husband and the relationship she insists on having with him.

I would really, really like for things to work out with GF but I don't know if I can deal with this out of the ordinary, and somewhat threatening relationship that is so important for her to maintain. It's not just that she has male friends which someone might try to throw at me, but rather that this is a guy she was married to and must have had some love for at one time. A guy that she has slept with and was intimate with. She wants some time to be with him without me around. She wants to be holding to him on the back of his bike stoned and riding around with or without me along. So it is very difficult to accept that they are just friends and that I would never have to worry about anything happening. It seems to me that there is some kind of love there and he is maintaining a degree of importance and priority in her life. It seems like a recipe for disaster and might not the proof be in so many failed relationships and marriages that she has been through? How does one deal with and accept something like this?

A counselor told me that men and women cannot truely just be friends. I think he meant if there is any even remote attraction. Sexual tension will exist.

When it comes to love and making a serious connection we just don't want to see reality if it is threatening to us, her or that love and connection.