Editing needed

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In 1998, a French tried to carry out a complicated plan for a successful suicide. He stood on the edge of a dangerously high cliff, with a rope around his neck, the other end of the rope was tied to a huge rock; then he drank up poison and began to get himself burned. As he jumped the cliff, he shot his own head with a handgun.
The consequence was: the bullet missed the target but shot the rope broken, so he dropped to the sea without getting hanged; the icy water put out the fire on his dress and the brunt on his stomach got him vomit out the poisonous drug.

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My former husband -- raised Republican and barely resurrected -- did occassionally say things that were sensible. One of those things is that people get the government they deserve. My only problem is who deserves bush? Not me!

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Re: Editing needed

oristarA wrote:

Please edit it:

In 1998, a French tried to carry out a complicated plan for a successful suicide. He stood on the edge of a dangerously high cliff, with a rope around his neck, the other end of the rope was tied to a huge rock; then he drank up poison and began to get himself burned. As he jumped the cliff, he shot his own head with a handgun.
The consequence was: the bullet missed the target but shot the rope broken, so he dropped to the sea without getting hanged; the icy water put out the fire on his dress and the brunt on his stomach got him vomit out the poisonous drug.

With quick edits:

In 1998, a Frenchman tried to carry out a complicated plan to commit suicide. He stood on the edge of a high cliff over the ocean, with a rope around his neck. The other end of the rope was tied to a huge rock. Then he drank some poison and set himself on fire. To top it all off, as he jumped off of the cliff, he planned to shoot himself in the head with a handgun.
The consequence was that, first, the bullet missed the target but hit the rope, so he dropped to the sea without getting hanged; then the water put out the fire, and the salty water caused him to vomit out the poison.[/quote]

I'd also suggest adding something at the end about how he didn't drown.

(It's an oldie but a goodie.)

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My sincere apolgies! I never meant to post on this thread and the above, rather inane appearing comment from me that reads here as a non sequitor, was actually posted on another thread. How odd that it ended up here! Was it Mozilla Firefox?

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Re: Editing needed

sozobe wrote:

oristarA wrote:
Please edit it:

In 1998, a French tried to carry out a complicated plan for a successful suicide. He stood on the edge of a dangerously high cliff, with a rope around his neck, the other end of the rope was tied to a huge rock; then he drank up poison and began to get himself burned. As he jumped the cliff, he shot his own head with a handgun.
The consequence was: the bullet missed the target but shot the rope broken, so he dropped to the sea without getting hanged; the icy water put out the fire on his dress and the brunt on his stomach got him vomit out the poisonous drug.

Then he drank some poison and........

He then drank some poison.....(maybe?) ....it just sounds better to me, but what do I know about editing? I could make a short statement into a novel!

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Thanks.

I especially like the edit - "Then he drank some poison and set himself on fire. To top it all off, as he jumped off of the cliff..." Because the edit has swept away the ambiguity in the rudimentary writing. But "he planned to shoot himself?" What I wanted to describe is that the Frenchman was now in the process of committing suicide. so "he shot himself" is different to "he planned to shoot himself." Am I on the right track?

PS - the end of the story:

And so "unfortunately," a fisherman's boat came by to rescue him before his consciousness, which was lost in the great brunt as his body touched seawater, came back. (Still need editing)

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Editing needed

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