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Mon 2 Jun, 2003 01:58 pm
Let me give you an overview of my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. She has been out of her relationship for 2 years. She was with her ex girlfriend for 6 years and she helped raise her ex girlfriend child. Her ex girlfriend cheated on her with a mutual friend and they have been together for the last 2 years. My girlfriend gets the little girl 2 times a month. I have never had a problem with her ex girlfriend what so ever. I met her ex girlfriend and it was an experience. I could see the feelings her ex had for her. I asked my girlfriend if her ex still has feelings for her, she said no she has her own life. Well my girlfriend had me keep things in the extra bedroom and when i was putting things away I came across some cards and they were written by her ex telling her how she is very emotional right now, how she feels like they are together even thought they are living separate lives, she will always love her and cannot wait to see what the future holds for them, there were lips prints on the card. The other card was thanking her for flowers, dinner and a gift, I was already with my girlfriend in a relationship and she never told me any of this. I then found out my girlfriend has lied to me about her conversations with her ex. They only talk when they are both at work or when i am not around and if she does call the conversations are always short and allot od yes, no's, ok i do not know and then bye. My girlfriend was telling me she only talks to her ex once in awhile, i looked at her call log, it is everyday. With phone calls back and forth to one another. I confronted my girlfriend about all of this and she tells me she loves me and she does not know why she lies to me when it comes to her ex. I also found out she goes to her ex for advise on our relationship knowing she is a cause of the problems. How can a cheater and lier give advise to someone. Now her ex calls and leaves messages saying she does not want to cause any problems but after 2 years she found an ornament that belongs to my girlfriend and wants to give it back to her.
Well, first off, welcome to Able2Know.
And now, I'm sorry you're having this problem.
It sounds to me like your girlfriend and her ex are having problems letting go of one another. And then there you are, and this just isn't right, I say. I think you're being poorly treated, even if everything is on the up and up (and you say it isn't, given the call log, etc.) the trust just isn't there. After all, not only why would you check her call log, but also why would she give you a reason to want to do so?
I think you probably know the answer to this, and I'm sorry about it. You deserve someone you can put your trust in, who deserves your trust because she's proven to be reliable and faithful and true. She's out there.
When one of them dies? c.i.
Welcome here, lvnicky90!
I would like to tell you something more hopeful - but it really seems to be so, as jespah already said in a similar way: there is no trust anymore.
To build this trust up again seems very difficult in my opinion.
And do you really want it?
This could be nothing but I noticed you didn't say you love her. Is it possible there's no (even implied) commitment? There is suspicion and apparently justified. It sounds like it's time for evaluation. So examine with her what exactly caused their breakup. Going over with her if it's decided it was a major problem then a minor problem and then no problem then it sounds like you were an expedient or experimental breakup.
All of this could be way off base but you asked for opinions. Only you would know. If you are angry at these suggestions that would indicate you care more for her than the way you formed your question implies.
when is an ex an ex
I do love my girlfriend very much. We are in a commited relationship. We are with one another everyday, stay to gether everyday (eventhough we have our own places). I have most of my things at her home (that is how i found the cards while putting my things away in the extra bedroom). My problem is she was not not honest and upfront about her ex having feelings for her when i asked her about it. When i asked her about phone conversations. Out of the 7 months together her ex has called her 3 times since while i have been around. So when i asked if she talked to her ex from work or on the road or when she is traveling she was telling me no, she has not talked to her in weeks and when i knew she was lying, i looked at her call log and the calls were there. Other than this issue with her ex girlfreind we actually have no other problems.
I had a friend who went through a similar situation recently, and they finally decided that they had to get out, and that was very painful for them. However, their life was getting unbearable, and there were kids involved. I don't mean to pry, but are you male or female? It sounds a bit like you are a male involved with a woman who is bisexual....please let me know if I am totally off base, and I don't mean to offend.
Drawing on what to me would be a comparable period of time in my relationship with my now ex wife (35 years married) I knew men still chased her. I wasn't worried and you are. I was not surprised at men chasing her. She was a beauty. I based my lack of reaction to no change in lovemaking (an important barometer) but even more so by the warmth of her greetings and genuine pleasure in cuddling, teasing, touching. If you've noticed a difference in these you may be in trouble.
Ivnicky--
You will have to decide whether you want a deep relationship in which you can trust your beloved....
Or whether part of the appeal of your present situation is that your girl friend is dramatic, devious, exciting and untrustworthy.
Trust and Security vs. High Drama and possible betrayal.
Some people thrive on High Drama. Are you one of them? Do you like being the unaware part of a triangle?
Do some thinking. If you choose to suffer, this is your business.
Let's see - she talks to her everyday, has letters from her, has given her gifts - but has told you none of this?
"How can a cheater and lier give advise to someone."
Are you talking about your girlfriend or her ex? I can't tell the difference.
Look, you seem pretty convinced that she loves you, etc etc., so you are going to stay with her, and she'll keep talking to her ex, and buying her flowers and getting cards, and she'll keep lying to you and you'll keep telling everyone how great your relationship is....
Until she goes back with her ex (she kind of already is if she's buying her dinner and talking to her everyday) or dumps you for someone else she's seeing behind your back. Have fun!
She's lying to you...if that's something you're willing deal with, then you're being clingy, needy, and it's going to be a miserable relationship. She's just going to string you along.
You should move on.
Maybe try to hook up a three-way before you jet, but either way, move on and dump her.
I'll give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe your girlfriend is torn between you and her ex. Perhaps each one of you satisfies part of her emotional needs, and can't let go of either. She gets "full pension" and each of you get "half pension". Give her a chance to decide: either she is totally with you, totally with her ex, or totally alone to think it over.
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