Move the kids without a hitch?

Hi MzDaisy,

I moved with a 3.5 year old, and it went pretty well (I wouldn't say without a hitch though).

Before I start giving specific advice, a few questions....

Will it be in the same city? Can they (the older ones anyway) stay in the same school they've been attending? Have they been to the house before, and if so, how often? How big is it compared to your current house? (For example, are there more or less bedrooms, etc.) What about the yard? Are there a lot of kids around the new house? Is the current house the only one they've ever lived in?

Er, OK, more than "a few." :-) Your answers will help, though, thanks.

Ok, It is a new town. The town we currently live in is a city in comparison, and it's technically a village. So the new town is very small (pop. 767). The kids will have to change schools, unfortunately, although this is my 5 year-olds first year. His house is an actual house, whearas mine is an apartment. They've been there before, and often. They love the yard and the brook that runs out back. I think they actually prefer his home to mine. We've always lived here, and a change will be a shock to them. But one of my main concerns are the rules that might change once the move is made.

That's definitely something to establish ahead of time as much as possible. The move is going to be a shock to their systems, and consistency is going to be really important.

It sounds like there are a lot of good basics, that they know the new place, and like it.

When will you be moving? Before the school year starts?

Unfortunately, no. The plan is to move before Christmas, so it will be in the middle of the school year. I know that's not the most reasonable time to move, but it is the most agreeable to our schedules. He also has children that come to visit every summer, and every other Christmas. The kids know and love each other. But we want my kids to be established in his home before his come back next summer.

Oooh. There's really nothing that can be done about that?

I'd say that's a really huge piece of the puzzle, that the kids are able to start school along with their peers.

It's not insurmountable -- it's been done -- but if your goal is to make this as easy as possible on the kids, that's really something to work on, I'd say. Either moving earlier or moving later.

How far away from each other are the two houses?

We're about 25 minutes apart. Not too far, but it poses a real dilemma about what to do for school. I'm at a loss, I think. Moving earlier isn't a very real option. School starts next Friday. And moving later might pose a different challenge - pulling the kids out of school just before the year ends. And we really can't move in when his kids come down. We only see them once a year, and it will be stressful enough. Beyond that, I'm paying rent for an apartment in an area that I can't let my children run free in. (The environment here is horrible, another reason for the move.)
It's quite a situation.

Why would you need to pull the kids out of school before the year ends?

Is there any way to get them from the new house to their current school? 25 minutes isn't that bad, at all.

As in, have everyone (you four) move to the new house sometime next spring, after visiting there often between now and then, and the kids can commute to their current school for the last bit.

I know it's not ideal, but leaving in the middle of the school year makes things a lot more difficult for the kids for two reasons -- leaving established school friendships right when they're "fresh" (as opposed to after the 3 months of summer vacation), and having to try to break into things at the new school where friendships and social orders are already quite established.

This isn't as much of an issue for the 3-year-old, but very much so for the 5- and 7-year olds. (My daughter's now 5.5.)

One thing you ought to take into consideration is the culture shock of moving to what truly is a village. I lived much of my childhood in a town of 800. I was born in New York, at a time when it was the largest city in the world. The comparison between the two was nearly that between day and night. I don't know the size of the town you're moving from, but keep in mind that there will be far, far less going on in this new town than in the one you're leaving.

One important aspect of a very small town is how people talk. People usually know everyone else's business, and if they don't know, they'll make something up--after all, towns that size don't generate much else of interest to be discussed, and gossip takes on an importance much greater than in larger towns, in which it is possible to choose a circle of friends and ignore the rubes. Your children can be a prime target of nasty talk if someone takes a dislike to you, so you need to be prepared to counter that. You also need to be resourceful to find ways to keep your children occupied--children complain of boredom often enough even in culturally rich environments--how much more likely in a place where there might really be nothing for them to do.

By the way, I understand how this is a very difficult situation for you, don't want to seem too blithe. Just curious about what the options are for keeping the school year intact.

Next Friday -- that's not beyond the realm of possibility. Maybe just contact the principal, see what the options are? Could be something like you enroll now, get the kids to the new school from your current apartment for awhile, and then move to the new place.

I know that in the last week before my kid's school started the enrollment went up by several last-minute students -- schools are used to it.

Hadn't seen Set's post... good points.

I agree with sozobe, it is very important that your boys have a fresh
start at the beginning of the school year. Bringing them into a new house,
a new school in January is going to be very hard on them.

Why can't you move now? Especially since you mentioned that your
current neighborhood is not that desirable. Or you could enroll them
into the new school, have them stay at the new house (nanny) until you can pick them up after work. Sure, it will be an inconvenience for you for
a few months, but your boys will be so much happier with a sensible
transition that considers their needs as well.

What's this ^^^ about?

(hi MzDaizy)

That triggered my radar too, ehbeth.

MzDaizy--

Welcome to A2K.

Obviously there are many logistical and emotional problems with your move that will crop up before next summer.

You wrote:



Even though these kids see their father only once or twice a year, he is their father and they are accustomed to thinking of his house as one of their homes.

Whatever arrangements you make with settling your kids in, you've got to lean over backwards to make sure that your b/f's kids don't feel left out or displaced.

I guess I never thought about enrolling them into the new school now. We're at my boyfriend's (mine too, I guess) house all the time, and the only thing holding me from moving in sooner is packing and my own schedule. I'm going to call the new school in the morning and see what I might be able to pull off.
As for the rule changes, My boyfriend and his uncle lives in the house. They work opposite schedules (Boyfriend works nights for 4 days, then Uncle works days the next 4). So I just worry that it will be an adjustment to keep them occupied while people are sleeping/working.
I plan on doing everything in my power to make sure that his children don't feel out of place when they visit. Maybe fix up a room just for them, or something along those lines. It's a sensitive issue, and I'm open to suggestions.
Thanks for all your input, guys!

Where in the house do your boyfriend's children stay now, Mzdaisy? Do they have a room/rooms in his house?

They have two rooms in the basement (it's finished, not a dungeon) that are just for them.
Update: I was able to transfer my kids to the new school yesterday. They will be able to start this week and we won't have to transfer in the middle of the year. Thank you so much for your advice!

Oh wow! Good for you for making something happen. What do the kids think about it all?

That's great, MsDaizy. That should help quite a bit.

And good about the rooms for his kids - they need to know they have their space with their dad - regardless of what else is going on in his or their lives.