This just in...
Republican Party Tests Positive for Steroids
by Steve Young
NOTE: The illustrated version of this article may be seen at
http://www.americanpolitics.com/20060902Young.html
Sept. 2, 2006 - Hollywood (americanpolitics.com) - For years, Democrats
and their political consultants have been stymied over how the American
electorate can lose complete faith in the Republican party and yet at
election time - no matter a failed a the management of deadly war, high
crimes or leaks that may have placed CIA agents in jeopardy - they seem
to vote the same GOP back into office.
Now the Dems can take some solace in the fact that it probably wasn't
their fault.
In a story that seems to have escaped the pens and microphones of the
elite liberal mainstream media(tm), 90% of the Republican officials
elected over the past six years have tested positive for illegal steroids.
"It wasn't so much a shock that we discovered the usage," said one
researcher who asked not to be identified at DNC Laboratories, "it was
that our wives weren't outed before we made the announcement."
Anabolic Diebold Steroids (ADS), artificial performance enhancers
developed at Diebold Laboratories in Ohio, have been distributed in any
number of applications but up until now have gone undetected or
unreported by the media because, as one sarcastic researcher put it,
"They're so elite and liberal.
"Up till now we've not been able to do a thorough investigation into the
problem as ADS usage is difficult to track, it leaves no trace of actual
votes, and it can easily be discarded before it can be tested," said Dr
H. Dean of DNC Labs. "But finally, when a bunch of Republicans started
getting cocky and got into a p!ssing contest, we were able to finally
test their urine samples. VoilĂ ! ADS."
The first credible evidence of ADS use came into light during the 2004
presidential election, when John Kerry seemed to walk all over a
seemingly defeated George W. Bush in the presidential debates. Polls
taken through the election day showed a wide lead for Democratic nominee
Kerry, especially in Ohio. Yet when the ballots (not actually ballots;
more like cyber votes) were "counted," Bush was declared the winner.
"We started to notice a high incidence of side effects with
controversial candidates who, despite unethical and possibly criminal
behavior in office, seemed to be Teflon-coated when it came election
time to vote for them," said Dean. "It could have been the Teflon
itself, but more likely, the Gynecomastia Breast development, testicular
atrophy in their supporters or the male-like body hair increase in women
candidates, we always traced it back to regular ADS use."
ADS delivery systems vary dependent of the venue and circumstance. In
debate settings, a drip device is stored in a small box that can easily
affixed to the back and hidden under a sports jacket and administers the
ADS throughout the contest.
During the voting process itself, ADS is applied directly onto the
voting mechanisms. For example, if it is determined that a particular
district has a likely large plurality for your opponent, ADS is
discharged causing breakdown or deletion in the amount of available
voting machines. It has yet to be determined if this is due to a racial
element in ADS itself or just one of those coincidences that happens all
the time.
ADS can also be indirectly applied through campaign funds of Secretary
of States who oversee election results with near undetectable or just a
"C'mon, this would need a huge cover-up for this to happen" process.
Lawyers close to the ADS controversy say that while its use may have
handed the Republican Party undeserved victories, steroids weren't
actually illegal in politics.
"Look, politicians always taken advantage of questionable methods to get
a leg up on their opponent," said presidential historian Doris Kearns
Goodwin. "It may not have been ADS, but it was just as effective.
Richard Nixon would have been president in 1960 if it weren't for CDC
(Counting Dead Chicagoans), a crude hallucinatory employed by the
Kennedy boys."
When presented with the findings, President Bush said that he would find
out what kind of steroids were used and get a case of them to every
Republican senator and congressman who are in a tight race.
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Steve Young is a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Foundation'
Political Husbandry Conservation Centre and Stereo Repair. In his spare
time, he is also a comedy writer, columnist, LA talk show host and
author of 15 Minutes" and "Great Failures of the Extremely
Successful."(What? You STILL haven't bought it? Then visit
http://www.greatfailure.com/).