Along the same lines, maybe think very carefully about whether you really can't afford it. Do you have any insurance? If not, what would the cost actually be to go to a therapist and pay out of pocket? It's the kind of thing that could be a sound investment -- if you're feeling more capable and on top of things, then lots of other good things follow from that, including the possibility of being more likely to be able to find a better job (better environment and more money).
Noddy, thanks. That makes sense. I hope I haven't moved to that point. From what JB posted it doesn't look like I have. Though I may be getting dangerously close at times.
Ok, this is my fifth rewrite on this. It will be short and sweet.
JB, I have come to the conclusion, having thought about your question that the best thing at this point is to move on from this job. It really appears to me to be the driving force for the anger and frustration I have been living in, yet I've hung on hoping things would change. I expressed my concerns about most of these things to the management at the very beginning and was given a promise that things would change. They have not and really no effort has been made to make the necessary changes. Therefore, I will be turning in my resignation tomorrow. I do realize there are other issues here. However I feel it is this particular thing that is aggravating those issues further and making them that much harder to deal with because of the added stress and frustration in my life right now.
Sozobe,
I found a place on the site you linked me to. I called them today. It is on a sliding scale and could be something I may be able to afford with a little readjustment of my bills. I will be checking into it further once I find a new job.
Glad to hear you've found someplace you can turn to for support. I hope it works out for you.
I think you're probably making the right decision on staying in this job, but should you resign without having something else lined up? Only you know the answer to that question. I'd hate to see you jumping from one cauldron to another by being unemployed all of a sudden with no source of income.
Take care, heph, Keep talking to us and to those who can really help you drill down into what's going on.
lol yeah JB I thought of that after I left for work today. I was like... duuuh... no income = more stress... I think I'll find a job first. So the hunt is on. *sigh* I felt so much better at work today knowing I wasn't going to be there much longer. I guess that's a pretty good indicator that it's past time to go. Anyway, I will take care. Thank you all for talking me through this. I do appreciate it. It helped. Catch you all later.
I put in my resignation today at work. I've been pretty sick with a sinus infection for the last three or four days and then this weekend at work one of the kids let it slip in a house meeting that other staff had told them some negative things about me and another co-worker. I went to my supervisor with it and once again it was dropped and swept under the rug. I realized that being there is only making this problem worse. These people are bound and determined to do whatever it takes to push me out the door and have started trying to pit the kids against me as well.
I have noticed a steady decline in several of the kids respect for me over the last week and was afraid that is what was happening. I tried not to over think that one though, I just figured if it was happening it would come out eventually because that's just how kids are. And it did. I'm not hurt because they were talking about me. I've known all along they were talking about me. What hurts me is that they would try to use these kids, who have enough problems already, who come to us hurting in their own way because of things that have happened in their life. That they would manipulate them and try to influence them to not like anyone. Not just me.
Don't they understand that the things we do with these kids could very well effect the rest of their lives? How they live. How they treat others. How they expect to be treated by others. They are kids for pete's sake. They come here looking for help and relief from their current situation. Not for us to heap our problems on them. Not to carry the burden of our griefs, angers, and resentments. Not to feel like they have to choose between staff members. I can't tell you how sad this makes me. So I just snapped. Not literally. I just mean that I realized job or no job in the immediate future, I don't care. I'm not going to stick around and allow these kids to be treated this way just because someone is mad at me and wants to get back at me instead of just talking to me about whatever it is that they are so mad about.
At any rate. That's it. I'm done.
I put in my resignation today at work. My last day is September 10th. I've been pretty sick with a sinus infection for the last three or four days and then this weekend at work one of the kids let it slip in a house meeting that other staff had told them some negative things about me and another co-worker. I went to my supervisor with it and once again it was dropped and swept under the rug. I realized that being there is only making this problem worse. These people are bound and determined to do whatever it takes to push me out the door and have started trying to pit the kids against me as well.
I have noticed a steady decline in several of the kids respect for me over the last week and was afraid that is what was happening. I tried not to over think that one though, I just figured if it was happening it would come out eventually because that's just how kids are. And it did. I'm not hurt because they were talking about me. I've known all along they were talking about me. What hurts me is that they would try to use these kids, who have enough problems already, who come to us hurting in their own way because of things that have happened in their life. That they would manipulate them and try to influence them to not like anyone. Not just me.
Don't they understand that the things we do with these kids could very well effect the rest of their lives? How they live. How they treat others. How they expect to be treated by others. They are kids for pete's sake. They come here looking for help and relief from their current situation. Not for us to heap our problems on them. Not to carry the burden of our griefs, angers, and resentments. Not to feel like they have to choose between staff members. I can't tell you how sad this makes me. So I just snapped. Not literally. I just mean that I realized job or no job in the immediate future, I don't care. I'm not going to stick around and allow these kids to be treated this way just because someone is mad at me and wants to get back at me instead of just talking to me about whatever it is that they are so mad about.
At any rate. That's it. I'm done. They win. If that's how they choose to see it. Unfortunately it's not really a game of win or lose. Everyone loses in a case like this. I hope they're proud of themselves. I'm sure they will be.
Sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well, heph. Hopefully you'll be able to find something soon, preferably something with adequate benefits that allows you to get some counselling. Get your health back and keep your chin up. You've made a positive step toward the future.
Thanks JPB. I think I really have taken a step in the right direction. I got to thinking after I posted this last night about a lot of things. So I watched a movie to try and distract myself and then decided to post a blog because I had started to realize some important things. I try to refrain from sharing this kind of stuff here so much anymore, but this is good. This is real good I think, so I would like to share it here if that's ok:
Wishes...
I've had a lot on my plate the last year or so. A lot of things have been jostled around, shaken, some things have even fallen away and been replaced. As I sit here on the verge of yet another major change in my life I have to wonder about a few things. I watched a movie tonight because... well... I wanted to. I'm sick. I should be in bed. But I don't care because I need this right now. I need to see the things I'm seeing. When I got done with the movie I just sat there and listened to the music while the credits rolled on and on... Someone was singing, "I will learn to love again."
That's the only phrase I remember. Probably because it inspired what I am writing now. You see, as I was listening to that I started thinking. My first thought was, "Man. I wish I could learn to love again." The thoughts just started rolling. All the things I wish for. I wish that life came as easy to me as writing about it does. I really do. It never seems to. It always seems to be a struggle in one form or another. Trying to overcome. Trying to press on when things get hard. Trying to keep loving people who hurt you. Trying to be my best. Trying to do my best. Trying. Always trying.
Sometimes succeeding. Many times failing. I learned years ago to deal with failure. That it's not the end of the world. Life goes on and so must I. But then I started thinking about my job. The kids. My co-workers. Everything that has happened, and where I am today as a result of it. You see, right now it would be really easy for me to just lay down and die in a sense. To say enough is enough and give up all together on working with kids. It is after all what I did with church. This is my passion in life. My dream. My destiny of sorts. Working with these kids. Giving back what was taken from me.
Yet more and more over the last three years I can't seem to get around my wishes. I wish I could travel the US and do street ministry. I wish I could be happily married. I wish I could do foster care. I wish I could own a farm with horses and do a therapeutic training program with foster kids. I wish I could speak and be heard like some people are. I wish I could feel happy again. I wish I could feel fulfilled. Complete. Needed. Wanted. Even desired. I wish. And I wish. And nothing changes. My life doesn't change. Instead I stand holding a bag of wishes that has a hole in the bottom.
I thought back to a few blogs I've written regarding this situation. These kids. And I realized. Really realized for the first time that I am not the only person in the world who has something to offer these kids. That I am not the only person who can help them. That whether I work in this business or not there will always be kids that get the help they need, and others who don't. There will always be people besides myself who are there because they care and others who are just there to collect a check. No matter how far I run. How many places I work for. This is life. Welcome to the real world Robin.
Oh... and by the way Robin. You cannot save the world. You are not responsible for saving the world. And you definately can't even be much help to anyone if you aren't even living in the real world. Outside of your own universe where everything revolves around you. Where you are the only one who knows how things should be run. Where you are the one who should be calling the shots because the people who are, aren't doing it the way you would.
I thought back to my slide show that is on my profile. I stayed up until 3:00 am creating that. As I was sitting there writing down my fears, it all flowed along pretty nice actually. However, I got to the one that says... I am afraid... I act much bigger... Than I really am... I stopped. Re-read it. Raised an eyebrow and thought, "Hmm... I wonder what that means exactly." Sounds silly I'm sure, but that's the truth. I didn't know or understand until now.
There was a time when I first started out working with kids that I was all the things I wish I could be now. Happy. Content. Fulfilled. But that time ended because I wanted to do more. I wanted to reach more kids. I wanted to travel the US, and have a foster care program, and well everything... I began to wish for things I did not have. Things that maybe I really have no power over achieving. I stopped being happy with where I was at and began wishing for more. I grew unsettled. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. Because it was never enough to just be where I was at doing what I was doing.
There was more. There had to be. God had a bigger plan for me. Better places to take me to. Greater things for me to do. I became sure that there was something more out there and I had to find it. I lost sight of the moment, of what I had. I became bigger to myself than I really am. I see now that wishes are unfulfilled promises to ourselves. Promises of things we can't control. Yes, wishes do come true sometimes. But to build a life on wishes and not on reality is foolishness, because wishes are empty until they come true.
But life... reality... living in the moment... is something that can't be replaced. It can't be taken back once it's passed us by. It is what it is. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One person at a time. Here. Now. Not tomorrow or next year. Not if everything goes just how we planned or wanted it to. Or even wished it would. So maybe... just maybe.. life is actually about learning to love where you are at, rather than wishing you were somewhere else...
This, I believe, is my step in the right direction. Realizing these things and starting to lay down my wishes and face reality... again. Live in reality again. Be happy with my reality again. Maybe I needed for things to get this bad, this hard, this confusing, to really see where I've been living for the last several years. To see that I too am guilty, more guilty than I'd like to admit, of all the things I get so aggravated at "christians" for. I'm as stubborn as they come sometimes, and more than once I've had to lose everything and hit rock bottom in order to really see where I was at and begin making the necessary changes. I think I finally reached it. I hope I have. I hope I can go on now and make the needed changes in my heart and mind. So anyway. Thats it.
I got a job finally. It's working with kids who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. I think this could be an interesting turn. I've made a list of goals and things I want to achieve here. I guess I needed to hit rock bottom to see I wasn't heading anywhere, and I was being quite wasteful with the resources I did have.
I've decided to go back to school and get a degree of some sort in social work. So I have a direction now. Priority wise though I need to regain my independence. Get my own place. This job doesn't pay the best. (Just above minimum wage actually) However, they will pay for 50% of my schooling if I work towards a degree within this line of work. Pay increases will come with each degree I achieve, as well as opportunities to advance within the company.
I've decided to stay in FL. I was considering moving up north because of my dad, but the economy in MI sucks right now and is getting worse every year. Moving in with my brother in Chicago I don't think would be the wisest thing at this point either. Working two jobs I could afford to live on my own here and maybe even help pay for school. So I'll be flying up every couple of months to visit him. One thing he told me while I was up there is that his main concern for me wasn't how close I live right now as much as me doing something to further my own life after he's gone. He's right you know.
I start my new job on Sunday. Once I get settled there I will start looking for a job that can give me about 24 hours a week so I can get my own place and start putting some money in the bank. I hope I can find something that will work me the same days I'm working at the other job. I'd really like to keep my two days off a week. Even if that means working three 16 hr days a week to do it. I'm considering doing online school. I've checked into a few. It seems they are a bit more expensive than a regular school though. Yet I think if I'm working two jobs it might be easier to do it online. Has anyone here gotten a degree from online?
Sounds promising, Heph.
Have you checked with your new employer to make sure that they'd contribute 50% of the cost of an online degree? They might not, or they might accept only specific online schools -- a lot of them are iffy, and I'd imagine there are some kind of rules at your new place of employment about that.
Congrats on the new job, and good luck with finding the second one...
Thanks sozobe. Yeah, I did meantion it to him actually. He said as long as the degree I'm working towards is something related to the line of work there it was fine, they'd pay for half. Though before I sign anything about which ever way I decided to go with schooling I'm going to make sure I'm covered.
We're just in the looking at my options stage right now. hehe
