Things have gotten really bad at work. I could really use some advice. I wish now that I had even a 10th of the support that you guys give each other. I know I blew it here at A2K though and that makes me so unbelievably sad.
I don't think I've ever felt quite as alone as I do this moment, sitting here looking at this box, not knowing the words to say to fix the mess I've made. Feeling like I really just don't have anywhere to turn anymore and even if I did it wouldn't matter because I'd find a way to screw it up as usual. Yeah... I don't know why I'm writing this really. I guess because I know I put on a tough shell, but I just want someone to see that I hurt too sometimes, and as much as I can tend to push people away, I do want to feel like that matters to someone.
Though it probably doesn't really matter in the bigger scheme of things. Because really... I'm just a person behind a keyboard you will never know. You will never see. You will never hear. To you I am not real. I am just a bunch of words on a screen, nothing more, nothing less. Yes, I am in fact really depressed right now. I'm tired of fighting and I want to give up some days. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and regret having written this. I don't know though because this is what is in my heart right now. It's ugly, and to some it might seem like nothing more than a whining session. But it's real. It's my heart, and it's all I've got. And I'm sorry if what I've tried to offer you is broken and not worth much sometimes, but I can't give you what I don't have, and I can't pretend to be something I'm not.
So sue me for feeling lonely sometimes. Sue me for slowly isolating myself over the last several years and not knowing quite how to get out of that. Sue me for wanting to feel needed, cared for, even accepted sometimes. Sue me for looking for somewhere I could find those things as well as give them. Sue me for looking on the internet for it. In this forum even. Sue me for crying because it didn't turn out as I hoped it would. Sue me for sharing those feelings with you now. But when it's all said and done the fact will still remain... My heart is what it is right now... Broken...
I've had moments in the past of feeling totally alone too, so I can relate, but when it comes right down to it each of us are our own best friend. I've sure everyone has had those moments. They aren't fun, but I really don't see them as all that unusual.
Hephzibah--
I hope the world looks a bit more cheerful this morning.
You've had an exhausting year. You've made mistakes and repaired mistakes. You've created a lot of change in your universe and haven't given yourself time and space to adjust to the new order of things.
Do you mean you've "blown it here at A2K" by being preoccupied with the changes in your universe? I don't think anyone faults you for being survival-oriented.
Is the world more cheerful this morning?
Heph, I asked you a couple weeks ago where this was coming from. To be honest, I have no idea how you feel you've been rejected by the people here. I hear your anguish, but I'm not hearing what's behind it. I'm no therapist, but given what you've gone through in the past year, it doesn't surprise me in the least that you're depressed - probably clinically depressed. Are you seeing anyone professionally?
I definitely second J_B's suggestion that you look for some professional help, if you haven't already. No shame in it, and can really do wonders.
Good luck.
J_B wrote:
Heph, I asked you a couple weeks ago where this was coming from. To be honest, I have no idea how you feel you've been rejected by the people here. I hear your anguish, but I'm not hearing what's behind it. I'm no therapist, but given what you've gone through in the past year, it doesn't surprise me in the least that you're depressed - probably clinically depressed. Are you seeing anyone professionally?
Thanks JB. I don't have an answer for you about where it's coming from. I'm not doing the super-duper-self-analyzation thing anymore. I got tired of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I can't afford to pay someone else to do it for me. I'm disappointed and angry at the world right now. It's no one's fault. It just happens. This too will pass.
hephzibah wrote:
J_B wrote:
Heph, I asked you a couple weeks ago where this was coming from. To be honest, I have no idea how you feel you've been rejected by the people here. I hear your anguish, but I'm not hearing what's behind it. I'm no therapist, but given what you've gone through in the past year, it doesn't surprise me in the least that you're depressed - probably clinically depressed. Are you seeing anyone professionally?
Thanks JB. I don't have an answer for you about where it's coming from. I'm not doing the super-duper-self-analyzation thing anymore. I got tired of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I can't afford to pay someone else to do it for me. I'm disappointed and angry at the world right now. It's no one's fault. It just happens. This too will pass.
So there are no mental health clinics where you live? pm me your location and I'll help you look. Seriously, heph, being disappointed and angry at the world and waiting for those feelings to pass are a sure road to misery. They very well might pass on their own but they'll pass a whole lot sooner with the help of someone who knows what they're doing.
Heph--
J_B has some excellent points.
The times may be out of joint, but there is no need for you to sit and wait until the world around you improves.
If you're trying to love your neighbor, you must also try to love yourself--and love means a bit of emotional pampering when needed.
Heph, I forget where in Florida you are now, but this seems to be a pretty good list of places that serve a low-income population (free or reduced fee):
http://www.fccmh.org/index.cfm?referer=content.fullAgencyList&id=32
Heph--
In the past you have found great comfort in your church. Have you talked to your minister?
Believe it or not I really don't think this is "clinical depression". If that means what I think it does that is. As in depression caused by a chemical imbalance
Types of depression
The diagnostic category major depressive disorder appears in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association. The term is generally not used in countries which instead use the ICD-10 system, but the diagnosis of depressive episode is very similar to an episode of major depression. Clinical depression also usually refers to acute or chronic depression severe enough to need treatment. Minor depression is a less-used term for a subclinical depression that does not meet criteria for major depression but where there are at least two symptoms present for two weeks.
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Major clinical depression
Major Depression, or, more properly, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), is characterized by a severely depressed mood that persists for at least two weeks. Major Depressive Disorder is specified as either "a single episode" or "recurrent"; periods of depression may occur as discrete events or as recurrent over the lifespan. Episodes of major or clinical depression may be further divided into mild, major or severe. Where the patient has already had an episode of mania or markedly elevated mood, a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (also called bipolar affective disorder) is usually made instead of MDD; depression without periods of elation or mania is therefore sometimes referred to as unipolar depression because their mood remains on one pole. The diagnosis also usually excludes cases where the symptoms are a normal result of bereavement.
Diagnosticians recognize several possible subtypes of Major Depressive Disorder. ICD-10 does not specify a melancholic subtype, but does distinguish on presence or absence of psychosis.
* Depression with Catatonic Features - This subtype can be applied to Major Depressive episodes as well as to manic episodes, though it is rare, and rarer in mania. Catatonia is characterized by motoric immobility evidenced by catalepsy or stupor. This MDD subtype may also manifest excessive, nonprompted motor activity (akathisia), extreme negativism or mutism, and peculiarities in movement, including stereotypical movements, prominent mannerisms, and prominent grimacing. There may also be evidence of echolalia or echopraxia. It is very rarely encountered, and may not be a useful category.
* Depression with Melancholic Features - Melancholia is characterized by a loss of pleasure (anhedonia) in most or all activities, a failure of reactivity to pleasurable stimuli, a quality of depressed mood more pronounced than that of grief or loss, a worsening of symptoms in the morning hours, early morning waking, psychomotor retardation, anorexia (excessive weight loss, not to be confused with Anorexia Nervosa), or excessive guilt.
* Depression with Atypical Features - Atypicality is characterized by mood reactivity (paradoxical anhedonia) and positivity, significant weight gain or increased appetite, excessive sleep or somnolence (hypersomnia), leaden paralysis, or significant social impairment as a consequence of hypersensitivity to perceived interpersonal rejection. People with this can react with interest or pleasure to some things, unlike most depressed individuals.
* Depression with Psychotic Features - Some people with Major Depressive or Manic episode may experience psychotic features. They may be presented with hallucinations or delusions that are either mood-congruent (content coincident with depressive themes) or non-mood-congruent (content not coincident with depressive themes). It is clinically more common to encounter a delusional system as an adjunct to depression than to encounter hallucinations, whether visual or auditory.
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Other categories of depression
Dysthymia is a long-term, mild depression that lasts for a minimum of two years. There must be persistent depressed mood continuously for at least two years. By definition the symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression, although those with Dysthymia are vulnerable to co-occurring episodes of Major Depression. This disorder often begins in adolescence and crosses the lifespan. People who are diagnosed with major depressive episodes and dysthymic disorder are diagnosed with double depression. Dysthimic disorder develops first and then one or more major depressive episodes happen later.
Bipolar I Disorder is an episodic illness in which moods may cycle between mania and depression. In the United States, Bipolar Disorder was previously called Manic Depression. This term is no longer favored by the medical community, however, even though depression plays a much stronger (in terms of disability and potential for suicide) role in the disorder. "Manic Depression" is still often used in the nonmedical community.
Bipolar II Disorder is an episodic illness that is defined primarily by depression but evidences episodes of hypomania.
Postpartum Depression or Post-Natal Depression is clinical depression that occurs within two years of childbirth. Due to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion combined with sleep-deprivation; motherhood can "set women up" so to speak for clinical depression. [6]
Premenstrual dysphoriais is a pattern of recurrent depressive symptoms tied to the menstrual cycle. The premenstrual decline in brain serotonin function is strongly correlated with the concomitant worsening of self-rated cardinal mood symptoms. [7] Of considerable clinical importance, the recent understanding of premenstrual dysphoria as depression points directly to effective treatment with Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants. Previously, disrupting ovarian cyclicity had been the only recognized treatment. A recent review of studies of a number of SSRIs has revealed that they can effectively ameliorate symptoms of premenstrual dysphoria and may actually work best when taken only during the part of the menstrual cycle when dysphoric symptoms are evident. [8]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression
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