"FOOT IN THE MOUTH" Jokes

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and
said, "I think I like playing with men's balls..."

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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were
looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.
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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran
amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror,
she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's
pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of
my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter.

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A lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That
was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice
boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU
PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN
WITH A HAMMER?"

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Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that
Shawn had not asked to go potty in a while, so I
asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept
thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Shawn, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had
an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Shawn, did you have
an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down
his pants, and yelled. "SEE MOM,! IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 10 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing
for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor
who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't
get any....a true story... We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!