Funny you should ask.
I just haven't responded to her latest email asking for more and I was feeling a litte guilty about it. I love animals. I know how important they are to people. I'm not good at ignoring or saying "No" to bio-mom.
Then yesterday I went to a picnic.
It was a picnic celebration for a chairty that I have worked with over the years and Mr. B did a big thing for them (big enough to get his company name inscribed on the fountain) and Mo and I took a rowboat ride with a man named W and his son and I heard the story of how his other son had died from brain cancer a couple of years ago.
When W learned that I am a photographer he lamented that his son had missed what was to be his final photo session because he didn't feel up to it. This promted me to talk to the head of the charity and explain that I was going back to work and that I was available to go on location on short notice.
And my guilty feelings just washed away.
And when Auntie T came by today blahblahblahing about blah and blah and hinting blah I calmly continued packing and smiled.
In short, I have a new perspective: if I am going to work for free it is going to be because I want to, not because someone tries to make me feel like I have to. If I am going to work for free it is going to mean something to the people who get my time. If I am going to work for free it is because it feeds my soul.
This is good, don't you think?
Makes sense to me. You are not a public utility. Doctor's don't give free consultations at cocktail parties. Lawyers don't give free legal advice.
Your talent and your work are at your disposal.
I know exactly where you're coming from, boomer. I've been fending off mooching "friends" and relatives most of my life. Comes with the territory when you have skills in photography and/or graphic design.
These are my rules:
1. Family and friends are not entitled to take advantage of me.
2. If I choose to do something for free, it should be MY idea, not suggested by someone else.
3. Anyone who abuses their position as a relative or a friend is a mooch, and is not entitled to five more minutes of my time.
4. If I want my doctor friend to advise me, I expect to pay him. And I expect him to treat me the same way. (Same goes for my uncle, the minister...my sister, the nurse...my friend, the landscaper...)
Yes, I have lost touch with a few people over these issues, and no, I have never regretted doing so.
Oooh, so good to see you say that, Boomer. Excellent plan.
Ohhhh-hooooo-noooo.
Ohhhhh hoooooly ****.
Ohhhhh a ton of bricks moment for me.
On my "why" thread..... I talked about Mo's mom and her shitty early years.
THAT is why I feel obligated. If I ignore her or if I am mean to her I'm just another shitty mom and she has given her child to another shitty mom.
Andandand.... even though I'm not a shitty mom I DO have to prove to her that I'm not a shitty mom and that she has not trusted me to raise her son while knowing I'm a shitty mom.
Andandand.....
I'm not HER mom but I'm probably the closest thing she has ever had to a mom.
Andandand.....
Things are beginning to make a little more sense but I'm not really happy about that sense......
Andandand......
Oh, that so makes sense.
Oof.
Well, how can you honor her more than by being the best mom to Mo you can be?
And there are some things about being the best mom to Mo that might involve setting boundaries with her.
<wince>
Yeah, that's hard though.
boomerang wrote:Ohhhh-hooooo-noooo.
Ohhhhh hoooooly ****.
Ohhhhh a ton of bricks moment for me.
On my "why" thread..... I talked about Mo's mom and her shitty early years.
THAT is why I feel obligated. If I ignore her or if I am mean to her I'm just another shitty mom and she has given her child to another shitty mom.
Andandand.... even though I'm not a shitty mom I DO have to prove to her that I'm not a shitty mom and that she has not trusted me to raise her son while knowing I'm a shitty mom.
Andandand.....
I'm not HER mom but I'm probably the closest thing she has ever had to a mom.
Andandand.....
Things are beginning to make a little more sense but I'm not really happy about that sense......
Andandand......
Oh boy.
But...now you are Mo's mum first and foremost.
But, of course, how right that she should give him to her good mum to care for.
Very complex, but it fits beautifully with the "your mum cared enough to give you to me" thing.
Remember...good mums have limits.
That realisation is gonna help.you know.
boomer, Do you feel like you can talk to bio-mom about your feelings? Does the adoption agency or some other community group offer counseling that you and she could attend together? This is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with forthwith.
I agree that this is a huge issue. But I think it's my issue, more than bio-moms.
I've been thinking on this a lot today (maybe waiting to learn how the realization is going to help me).
Setting boundries is good.
Frankly, I'm feeling a little petty about some of the decisions I made even though I still think they were the right decisions.
This is really a doozy.
Those ton of bricks moments are, you know, like, good but damn....
They are!
How's it mulling?
