What would Emily Post do?

I'd say that one of the points of formal adoption is separating Mo from his unpredictable biological family--legally and emotionally.

If the bio-mom chooses to hide reality from her family, this is her choice--and her problem to deal with.

You are innocent. It would never occur to you that she hadn't kept her family posted.

I think adoption announcements might be in order.

So, Noddy, are you saying that it would be okay to work it into a conversation casually?

And, J_B, would it be appropriate to send celebratory announcements to the child's bio-family?

All of our neighbors and friends are planning a big celebration for when the adoption is finalized but I've not thought to invite his bio-family. The ones that I know, that know, are happy but sad about it too. "Bittersweet" is the word for it, I think.

This is so confusing.

I think they need to know that their "claim" on him has ended and that what I say goes but I don't want to knock them over the head with tossing something so big off as a "by the way...."

I agree! boomerang, for you and Mr. B it is such a joyous event,
an open announcement would be definitely in order. It is your
family now and not theirs. They had their chances and did not take
them, so don't think you need to protect their feelings.

I'd make a nice photo of you as family and send it to everyone
who's on your list. Enjoy, celebrate, and don't let anyone stop you!

Re: What would Emily Post do?

Throw an adoption party and invite everyone?

It depends on if you want them to quit seeing him.

For what it's worth, I think you might wish to quietly contact any key bio family who do not know, after the deed is done, and tell them, just so, as you mentioned, they know your word goes, and so Mo himself never has awkward moments with them about it.

And I would invite ONLY those you really want to be there to the adoption party.

Well, dlowan put into words what I would suggest.

Honestly, if my previous adventures in therapy hadn't elicited raised eyebrows and additional phone calls from the adoption social worker I'd be on the phone now demanding an appointment in hopes of sorting out why I feel such a bizarre obligation to Mo's "family".

I recently did a little .... ahem..... errr..... favor? for Mo's bio mom and it has led to an endless round of Can you? Can you? Can you? and outgoing money and guilt tripping that is making me crazy.

I can't even say I wasn't warned.

Then today I get this strong feeling that none of these people have the vaguest idea of what is really going on and..... and... I start understanding all the "can you"? in a different way.

I don't want them at an adoption celebration.

I don't want them and I think it would be kind of cruel to even invite them.

But they need to know and if she isn't going to tell them then I will have to.

I guess I worry in a selfish way that letting them know will only compound my "obligation".

I'm sorry.

I'm a mess.

Ramble ramble ramble blahblahblah.

Why DO you think you feel the obligation?

Will they be playing a role in Mo's life once the adoption is finalized?

Agreeing with Noddy, I think that it is his biological mom's duty to inform her family. If she doesn't, well, that's her problem (and theirs), certainly not yours, and there's nothing for you to feel guilty about.

I don't think I'd send them an announcement, and I wouldn't invite them to your celebration. It's your family's celebration.

I think that they should feel obliged to you, not the other way around.

Well, reiterating, I would absolutely not bring them in on the celebration.

I would not send any whoopie photo announcement.

I would tell the immediate people involved, straightforwardly and somewhat sympathetically.

I don't know if I would continue with the association, I'm not savvy enough for that. Don't know how good it is right now for Mo - my own own thought is he would be better without it for a while, but with potential access later when he's old and gray. Might be very important when he is fourteen. Might be very important when he is twenty eight. Might not be.

I presume there are as many opinions on this as there are people. Let's just say I don't think you should just keep it all going without further consideration.

But first, get past the deed.

Just so. Let the adoption slide on through, then send out announcements that say something like "Kiss my grits." or maybe "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

I would privately let Mo's biofamily know of the adoption and then include them on a general adoption announcement shortly thereafter. Invite only those you want to invite to whatever celebration you want to throw. At that point it's about you, Mr B, and Mo (and you're more than entitled to it!).

I agree with dlowan, Osso and JB

I know little, really, about birth parent rights at this point in time (gee, I once dated a guy who said 'at this point in time' too often, and that was a deal breaker - I'll have to add that to another thread) and can expound less about the needs of the child over the years to know more. I can imagine there would be sustenance in some information.

But - I'm not and never have been all gung ho about the the birth parent family being swept in to your lives, more particularly, his life on some kind of regular basis. I was surprised about this grandfather birthday celebration. I see you twining the two families, and am not informed enough to back up my point of view, which is ... no, or at least not now.

I may be less severe on that than others here though, in that I can see reason for occasional connection, and be for the sensitivity not to be mean while cutting off from the more than occasional (while still doing it)..

Clarity is vital. but it doesn't have to be established with a hatchet.

You are adopting Mo--not Mo's entire bio-clan.

One way to demonstrate this is to let Mo's BioMom take the responsibility for notify her family about her decision to put Mo up for adoption.

This isn't like a marriage where the two families will be entwined until death or divorce do them part. This is an adoption. The court will formally be removing Mo from an inept, inadequate and damaging family and awarding him to two loving and sensible parents.

Over the years you've become accustomed to doing a certain amount of "mothering" of the BioMom and her extended family. Do you enjoy being a co-opted matriarch to a clan of wilful adults? More importantly, is it in Mo's best interest that he have one big happy family?

In the past you've been a substitute-mom for Mo's BioMom. Perhaps her recent flurry of neediness is a bit of sibling rivalry? "Do you love me as much as you love him? Prove it."

Telling her family that Mo has been adopted is her responsibility. If she doesn't when her omissions come up you can gasp, "But I thought she told you."

As for the party, if Mo enjoys the company of any of these people you might consider asking them, but since they aren't people you'd socialize with if you were given your druthers, you shouldn't be expected to invite them.

You're all of a-twitter because you're making a heartfelt relationship legal and because you're a good person you're afraid that your gain is someone else's loss.

Your gain is someone else's choice.

I have been giving some very serious thought to why I feel this obligation.

Noddy is pretty right - a lot of it is habit.

Some of it is practicality. In Oregon, there is no such thing as a "closed" adoption. Upon a child's 18th birthday that can access every record of the adoption. I think the glamorous unknown might be more alluring to a kid than the known fact of a person.

And, unless I move away I'm just down the street and they know where to find me.

Auntie is the only one who has tried to wiggle into what she must imagine is my very active social life. I am not a social person. Mo will ask "Why didn't you come to our 4th of July party?" and she will say "Why, I wasn't invited <shoots me a look (hohoho)>

I don't make any attempt to socialize with Mo's "others" at all. In that I feel no obligation. I don't feel a need to apologize. What they don't realize is that Mo's invitations are offered indiscriminate of anything. For instance, we threw a pizza party for him and some of the kids in his swim class. Mo invited two cashiers from the grocery store, a bank teller, and a barrista.

I do think it's bio-moms job to tell them but I have a feeling she hasn't. And that she doesn't intend to.

Yesterday when I said that Mo had to be home by 2:00, I was told that "family things usually run later than that.... but I'll try". I countered that "we have a family thing and it starts at 2:00" I could tell that some line had been crossed in her mind.

To her credit, she had him home by 2.

I shall now return to contemplating why I feel this obligation.....

This is what I need to learn: