Need Advice: 37, shy and looking to settle down

I believe that is the first time I've seen that particular sequence of words

Merely an observation.

sputters at Gus...


hang on, you'll get lots of useless advice soon, amidst which will be some small pellets that'll be helpful.

(somewhat kidding, as a bunch of advice on these threads on the a2k relationships and marriage forum is actually helpful - hah, but which advice??????)

Hi contradncr, and welcome to A2K. In a way, I have to agree with Gus. My Dad's an engineer and he's never been a dancer. He barely danced at his wedding or mine (I'm his only daughter), and not at my brother's at all.

Anyway, to get back to your issues, you have the right idea, looking where you have something in common with the woman, rather than in a bar where all you have in common with someone are the acts of getting hammered and looking for a pickup.

Engineering societies tend to have get-togethers, usually these are networking events for jobseekers but it might be another option. Of course you are not your job, but it would be another avenue to explore. I imagine that the dancing crowd might, in general, be a bit older, so that would fly in the face of trying to find a younger woman to woo. I think you're being practical re childbearing, but at the same time there are other ways to have a family. You can marry someone who already has children, adopt, foster or have a child via in vitro fertilization or even a surrogate. So don't lock out all older women automatically. Plus, practically speaking, the older you get, the less likely it will be for you to attract younger women. I'm not saying that you should be in a hot hurry right now, but when I was 25, I wasn't interested in 40-year-olds.

Another option is using the personals, either online or at a newspaper or magazine or perhaps some combination. If there is a magazine devoted to your interests or at least some of them, and it has personals, that's a more focused way to go than a big site like match.com. There's also the local paper which is another way to create a focus. Do yourself a favor and check out the ads in the paper and online or wherever you think you might want to place an advertisement, and see what trends emerge. One thing I noticed when I did this (I met my husband through the personals, BTW, and we're married 14 years. It really can happen) is that anyone with a G or an H starting their ad ended up in the same newspaper columns as people who are gay. This is fine for people who are gay, of course, but if someone is heterosexual and just scanning the paper, the ad can get lost. So the moral of that is, don't start an ad with good-looking. At least, that was decent advice back in '88. You might write an ad something like

SWM, 37, seeks a young lady, 22 - 35, for companionship, love and a lifetime of happiness together. If I wasn't so shy, I'd ask you to dance. Give me the chance to sweep you off your feet.

Or, something like that.

Re: Need Advice: 37, shy and looking to settle down


You mention dancing several times but don't say what type of dancing. "Dancing" covers a pretty broad range. It sounds like you are in the ballroom and/or square dancing crowd.

While many women will mention dancing as an interest I think you'll find that most of the 22-35 set are thinking "nightclub" when the word dancing comes up.

type of dancing
In my second paragraph, I mention that the type of dancing I do is Contra Dance.

It's true that most people read "dancing" and think "nightclubs". I have been trying online dating and every time it fizzles out before we even meet. I'm not sure how I come across exchanging e-mails, but it doesn't seem to work. I also think that women who know nothing of contra dancing don't know what to make of me. Another part of the problem is that I'm very busy with work. I don't always return messages right away. Maybe that's being misinterpreted.

Thank you for the comments about not being absolute about the age range that I'm looking for. I do know that there are many ways to be a parent and I am open to most of them.

Any other thoughts?

P.S. You'd be surprised how many engineers contra dance. The dance itself is very structured and full of patterns with room for flourishes and improvisation. It appeals to our mathimatical side as well as our creative side. On the other side of things, my Dad is an engineer, too, and I doubt I'll ever see him take a dance step.

Contradncr--

Welcome to A2K.

Forums like this one are an excellent place to practice chatting with people.

contra, perhaps our fathers attended school together. My Dad went to Brooklyn College, then Widener.

But I digress.

I looked up contra dancing: http://www.sbcds.org/contradance/whatis/#Def0 I know that you're going to tell me it's not square dancing, and I respect that, but it seems like there are enough similarities that a lot of people who are into one are into the other. But of course a lot more people have heard of square dancing.

Since contra dancing is pretty old (http://www.freenet.hamilton.on.ca/link/jig/a_contra_dancers_primer.htm says it was all the rage in 1800), are there costumes that go along with it? If so, are there any occasions where you'd show off your talents? I am thinking about something comparable to the Renaissance festivals that come to a lot of towns (Carver, Mass. is one, it's just about this time of year).

Or perhaps is there a village restoration in your area, where docents dress up in period costume and explain history to visitors? Old Bethpage Village in New York, Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia and Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts immediately come to mind. If one of these events or places exists somewhere near you, perhaps you can get involved. Even if there isn't any dancing, there may be people who come, either to work there or visit, who would be interested. I knew a guy many years ago who worked as a blacksmith at Sturbridge; my parents know a couple who act as the parson and his wife (which is ironic, as they're Jewish) at Bethpage. I suspect that a lot of these places need people to do some forms of grunt work, such as cleaning stables or manually shoveling snow in the winter. It's not glamorous but it will get you out and about and among people of similar interests.

One thing about finding someone to love is that some of it is networking, e. g. it's almost like looking for work. You meet someone who knows someone, and they introduce you, and so on and so forth. Hence you might meet older people at a village restoration or at one of your dances, but they know other people, yes? One thing about meeting people and being shy is, the easiest thing is to try to make up your mind to meet people, even if they aren't the people you don't want to end up with.

I know that sounds nuts, but what I'm suggesting is, you say hello to everyone. The mailman. The nurse at the doctor's office. The school crossing guard. The person in front of you in line at the ATM. The gas station attendant. Everyone. And some of those people say hello back, and sometimes it even leads to an actual conversation. It's not perfect, but it's a way to help with shyness. Why? Because you have nothing to lose. Who cares if the school crossing guard blows you off, or the guy waiting for the ATM fails to answer? So what! But what this does is, it helps to take the mystique out of things. And it gives you practice, so that when the wonderful contra dancing woman comes around (and I hope that happens), you'll know how to break the ice.

Oh, and what Noddy said. If you want to practice tone and all that in email, posting here is definitely a good way to do that.

Have you tried online sites? I haven't ever tried but it might be a good way to at least meet some nice people and see what's out there.

You sound like a nice guy who just doesn't have any where to meet women.

These might sound like cheesy ideas but....try striking up a conversation at a coffee house or book store or the grocery store. Love is often found in the most unlikly places.

Good luck.

Bella--

I'm sure Princess Charming frequents bookstores. Crossmyheartandhopetodie.

If you love to dance, want to settle down and have kids: marry an African. there are plenty of online sites, but make sure you don't get cheated...

Have you considered joining a singles club?? This is a great way to meet other singles your age. And you're right, most women over 40 who have kids are probably not interested in having more. This coming from a 40 year old single with kids

quick, somebody send playon a pm ~ this just might work....

Hello, contradncr, welcome to A2K. I flippantly mentioned one our regular posters above who is also looking for a serious relationship and I recently suggested she use the personal ads as well. A close friend met her husband by answering an ad from someone looking for a ballroom dance partner. Neither of them had any ballroom dance experience and discovered a passion for both the dance and each other while taking lessons. Is there a hobbie/activity you would like to learn? Maybe you could find someone who wants to learn alongside you.

Another option is checking out online matching services. I don't have personal eperience with them, but I know at least one of our regular members here met his wife through an online service, perhaps he'll notice this thread and be willing to share his experience.

Shyness is a wonderful attribute. My husband is very shy and was unattached until he met me, who just happens to like shy men. There are plenty of women out there who would love to get to know someone who is caring and warm, whether or not they are shy.

Good luck to you. Why don't you stick around A2K for a while and practice not being so shy :wink:

I love contra dancing!! I did it most at the age you mention, college and immediately thereafter. SO fun. I'd go out to a small town outside of Madison, WI, with a bunch of farmer-types who were so damn good.

Anyway, just mentioning that it'd be a definite positive in my book, though I'm not on the market.

Good advice here about personal ads et al. I wrote an ad for my shy dad who wouldn't do it himself, he got a passel o' responses, and he's been with the one he liked the best ever since (about 13 years I think).

try a dating site like'' cherry blosooms dating'' be careful and take time to know the women who you want to meet...