Bad (humorous) marriage advice

I remember what our soccer coach told us in a game once :

" Guys , if you panic and get in trouble and dont know what to do , grab the ball ( s ) and go straight up the middle "

Ooh, good idea!

Um...

- Establish early on who is in charge. The person who is in charge always gets his or her way. The person who is not in charge may protest occasionally to add spice and keep boredom at bay -- but of course, the person who is in charge ultimately still always gets his or her way.

- Sex should always, 100% of the time, be absolutely mindblowing and transcendant. If it's not -- even once -- immediately get a divorce.

- If your relationship is in trouble, have a baby. It always makes everyone cheer up and be happy.

Avoid having separate interests; always have the same hobbies.

Never say you're sorry.

What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours.

I'm much more sensitive and easily hurt than you are.

I'm much more practical and realistic than you are.

"That's just the way my family is--live with it."

\

Thanks, everyone.

This is more difficult than I thought it would be. I was sure there would be a wealth of light, amusing, tongue-in-cheek, obviously wrong advice. There's plenty of bitter quotes on marriage, or reasons why not to get married, and of course there is the pie-in-the-sky rose-coloured-glasses stuff.

Here's one that sort of captures what I'm thinking about:

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966

Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.

If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

Grooms! Once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear."

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.



The Secret to a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."


The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells "You need more tail."
The father yells back "Thanks a lot! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!!

Henny Youngman:
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!

Get a new car for your spouse.
It'll be a great trade!

there seems to be a lot of sites for clean wedding humor if you google stuff like 'marriage quips' and such. It's all mixed in with other stuff.

Yeah, but they're mostly saccharine or groaners. I was hoping for something with a little more bite. (But not too bitter.) The bride & groom are in their forties, she has 2 teenagers, they've been living together for about a year -- I think they're past the dewy-eyed stuff, but they obviously have the optimism and courage to get married.

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
- Catherine Zeta-Jones

ok yeah, I see what you mean...

I went the wholesome route since I didn't know if they were all ward and june cleaver or not...

I'll think about this....and come back.




pondering......


oh! side note here...anyone who know's me and my husband knows what a partnership we have, and how we each have our areas of expertise....he'll joke with people that he has a chain on my leg that only reaches from the bed to the stove

it's so obvious he's joking, it's funn. Especially when I'm standing there giving him "the look" It's like a comedy skit.

For a happy marriage, keep her barefoot in the winter, and pregnant in the summer.

And get'cha a nice fat one. She'll be warm in the winter, and shady in the summer.

Hey! That's my dad's all time's favorite joke! And he's been married for 35 years to my mom.

That's what I'm talking about!

Ok then -- what's the key to a successful marriage according to the Chai Tea & Earl Grey comedy team?

Or things to avoid (or do) at the wedding, the honeymoon, with the new in-laws and the blended family, etc.

Always tell your new inlaws that their religion and/or politics are stupid. Be sure to complain that their house isn't as big/clean/pretty/well-appointed as you had hoped. Ask for money often.