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Mon 10 Jul, 2006 10:02 pm
Hello,
My fiance' and I met almost 2 years ago. We are expecting a child, which is due in October. I dont know where to begin really, but I am hoping for some advice.
When we first met, the first week and even first months together, we had sex alot, almost daily, even multiple times in one day. Now it seems we only have sex once a month or even longer. It all started when I made the mistake of lying to her about a small purchase I had made. It wasnt anything big and I shouldnt have lied about it. Then she noticed that she started to develop a growth on her clitoris. She researched what it could be and was unsuccessful. Because of starting a new job and also losing it, we werent able to get her medical insurance. Well, we finally got her insurance and she went and saw a doctor. The doctor said it was just skin and it wasnt anything to worry about. After these 2 incidents, it seems she has lost interest in sex. We have talked about it, but it seems she wants me to always initiate.
She has also told me that I am overweight. I am only about 30lbs over weight. I am confused, because I know she loves me, yet I get so frustrated because she is rarely in the mood. There are other things, like communication. We try to talk, but to me it seems like she is doing nothing but bitching about me, money, this baby and whatever she is thinking about. I know she hates being pregnant.
I am confused because I know I love her, but I hate her. I hate the fights, the bitching, and everything that is negative in this relationship. She is always calling me selfish, yet she seems to be the selfish one. Even her parents said she was high maintenance.
When she lived in my home town, she wasnt anything like this. Course she was 1600miles away from her family, but now we moved to be with family and I am all alone. I am very frustrated because it feels like I mean nothing and that I am just a nuisance in her life. I dont feel like she loves me, or even cares about how i feel. I am even wanting to go out and cheat, just to get some personal satisifaction. I mean, I am at the point of wanting to do whatever it takes to make me happy.
She says I lie, because she'll ask me about things and I dont tell her everything or only tell her what I want to tell her... the problem is, when she gets that agitated tone in her voice, I clam up. Especially when she is pressuring me to tell her. I tried to tell her this, but she says it's an excuse. I am at the point of giving up, just because it seems like she doesnt want me and that she is pushing me away. Nothing I say is right. Nothing I do is right. Her parents said she doesnt last long in relationships because she leaves them... her dad left her at an early age and they think she is scared to be left again.
I tell her I love her and that she is beautiful. I used to write poems and give her flowers, but I never gotten anything from her that shows her feelings for me. It was like it was suppose to be just known. I dont mean to sound like a baby, but I have been divorced and have been in an abusive relationship, where I was the victim, and I have scars...
I guess what I want is to be happy. For us to be happy... have a healthy relationship, both mentally and physically. Right now, I dont even want to be around her, for fear of fighting.
Oof. And the real problem is, you can't just leave, as there's a child involved. This woman will always be a part of your life. Fortunately for you (yes, I said fortunately), she need not be a part as your wife, lover or girlfriend.
One thing you need to recognize is that pregnant women are a cocktail of emotions and can say or do things that they wouldn't normally. But another thing - ai yi yi - she has a growth and you can't see a doctor, yet she's pregnant? Hello! She needs prenatal care. This is whether or not you have health insurance.
A) Try getting a second opinion about the growth. Skin tends to not just grow. Maybe it's nothing but it's worth a look from a specialist. That is, an OB/GYN.
B) I know you're trying, but you need to back off on sex. She may feel uncomfortably hot and big, or be afraid of hurting the baby, or resenting being pregnant, or any number of things, and they are keeping her out of the mood. Satisfy yourself with masturbation if you must, but she has made it clear that she wants no part of sex right now. You have to respect that. Sorry if you don't like reading that, but such is life. Any complaining, whining or just sad looks about this are not helping your cause.
C) Strongly consider counseling. If she won't go, go alone. This is not a happy, loving family that is being developed here. It is the land of pissed off, resentful people, and the person who will be in the middle of all of this is your child. While you are currently very far from your home and support system, recognize that cutting out means, essentially, cutting your child out of your life. But it's possible to break up, if it comes to that, and stay in the area and at least give it a go with joint custody.
D) Cultivate friends, associates, anyone in the area. Work colleagues. Anyone. You need to have a life outside of this toxic relationship. This is not only for your own self-esteem and survival, but also for your child's. It will take the edge off if you have someone to talk to -- even if it's just your bowling buddies.
E) Consider having a fight. I know they're unpleasant, but you might clear a lot of air that way. Or at least start it out as a discussion and see where it leads, even if it's not to a fun and happy place. Your fiancée is being utterly unreasonably about the lying, at least according to you, but you might want to find out what's the real underpinning to what's bothering her. I mean, really, if my husband lied and told me he was going to play frisbee and went out and played basketball instead, I'd shrug and ask him how many free throws he'd made. But if he lied and told me he was working late when he was really hooking up with another woman, or if he lied and told me he was paying the mortgage when he was really out gambling, I'd have a very different attitude about it.
PS I realize I'm probably rambling here, but the gist of it is, you don't have to take it, but you will have to bend, perhaps more than you want to, if you want to hang onto this relationship. And that begs the question: is it worth hanging onto?
jespah wrote:Oof. And the real problem is, you can't just leave, as there's a child involved. This woman will always be a part of your life. Fortunately for you (yes, I said fortunately), she need not be a part as your wife, lover or girlfriend.
One thing you need to recognize is that pregnant women are a cocktail of emotions and can say or do things that they wouldn't normally. But another thing - ai yi yi - she has a growth and you can't see a doctor, yet she's pregnant? Hello! She needs prenatal care. This is whether or not you have health insurance.
A) Try getting a second opinion about the growth. Skin tends to not just grow. Maybe it's nothing but it's worth a look from a specialist. That is, an OB/GYN.
B) I know you're trying, but you need to back off on sex. She may feel uncomfortably hot and big, or be afraid of hurting the baby, or resenting being pregnant, or any number of things, and they are keeping her out of the mood. Satisfy yourself with masturbation if you must, but she has made it clear that she wants no part of sex right now. You have to respect that. Sorry if you don't like reading that, but such is life. Any complaining, whining or just sad looks about this are not helping your cause.
C) Strongly consider counseling. If she won't go, go alone. This is not a happy, loving family that is being developed here. It is the land of pissed off, resentful people, and the person who will be in the middle of all of this is your child. While you are currently very far from your home and support system, recognize that cutting out means, essentially, cutting your child out of your life. But it's possible to break up, if it comes to that, and stay in the area and at least give it a go with joint custody.
D) Cultivate friends, associates, anyone in the area. Work colleagues. Anyone. You need to have a life outside of this toxic relationship. This is not only for your own self-esteem and survival, but also for your child's. It will take the edge off if you have someone to talk to -- even if it's just your bowling buddies.
E) Consider having a fight. I know they're unpleasant, but you might clear a lot of air that way. Or at least start it out as a discussion and see where it leads, even if it's not to a fun and happy place. Your fiancée is being utterly unreasonably about the lying, at least according to you, but you might want to find out what's the real underpinning to what's bothering her. I mean, really, if my husband lied and told me he was going to play frisbee and went out and played basketball instead, I'd shrug and ask him how many free throws he'd made. But if he lied and told me he was working late when he was really hooking up with another woman, or if he lied and told me he was paying the mortgage when he was really out gambling, I'd have a very different attitude about it.
PS I realize I'm probably rambling here, but the gist of it is, you don't have to take it, but you will have to bend, perhaps more than you want to, if you want to hang onto this relationship. And that begs the question: is it worth hanging onto?
I appreciate the advice.
She has a doctor and insurance now... so she is being taken care of. I was told that I am selfish but some other people. I love her and want us to be happy, yet at the same time, I need to keep my sanity during this pregnancy. So, What should I do? Spend more time hanging out with friends?
I have tried to diffuse the fights by just listening, and she thinks I am ignoring her. If I answer her questions or make comments, then she gets pissed. I find myself claming up more and getting angry faster than before. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My mom used to yell alot and I have also been in a few verbally abusive relationships. So when someone gets mad at me, I clam up. I just feel I cant do anything right and I am in between a rock and a hard place.
Obviously this needs to be dealt with -- nothing will get easier once the kid actually arrives. It sounds like you guys have kind of hit a brick wall in terms of dealing with it yourselves, so I'd highly recommend counseling. Glad your wife has insurance now... do you, too?
Good luck.
sozobe wrote:Obviously this needs to be dealt with -- nothing will get easier once the kid actually arrives. It sounds like you guys have kind of hit a brick wall in terms of dealing with it yourselves, so I'd highly recommend counseling. Glad your wife has insurance now... do you, too?
Good luck.
Not yet... just started a new job... should have it before the baby is born.
Good. Use it to get counseling.
Your history of taking it on the chin while someone verbally abuses you is coming out right here, right now in this relationship. If this continues, you can end up with a son who thinks that's the only way to deal with women, or a daughter who thinks that's a perfectly acceptable way to deal with men. Either is a recipe for disaster.
Like soz said, it's not going to get any easier when your baby arrives, so the time to act is now. Even without health insurance, you can talk to a clergy member or a mental health professional for free, for now.
Arent I overreacting since she is pregnant?
Am I being selfish? She says I am... because I wish we could be more sexual, I wish that she would not be as hostile towards me... She is telling me that I am always thinking about myself. I care about her and try to make a genuine effort to show her that I am not being selfish. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and with the words she uses, I am not sure how I am suppose to act.
You mentioned being tempted to cheat-- if you want to preserve the relationship, you REALLY need to put that out of your mind. Cheating is just going to add another layer of hurt to work through later on. Seriously, just masturbate if you need to, but don't make things more difficult for both of you (not to mention your child) by giving into the temptation to cheat...It is not going to be worth it in the long run.
I really think you need to give her a break on the sex issue for a while-- she may not be able to help how she feels about intimacy right now, because of the effects of pregnancy, etc. Work on the other issues first, and a better sexual relationship may start to develop naturally.
You guys are at an impasse right now as far as communication goes. You have good reason to just clam up when she's getting angry with you, but she's not going to understand that, and it's not getting you any closer to solving your problems. You need to get counselling of some kind, because you both have to get another person's perspective on these issues. Please go talk to someone before your baby is born. You've got to give your child a chance to be born into a healthy and loving home.
Good luck, I'm pulling for you!
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