A rant

Well, maybe if you weren't such a bad mom, you wouldn't have these problems . . .

heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee . . .

phhhhhhhttttbbbbbbbbttt!

A good response might be - "I'm not implying that you are a bad mom. I am implying that you are a bad person."

Or, at the very beginning, you could just post "You are a bad mom" and get it over with.

Screw 'em. They never could take a joke.

Certainly sounds like a lot of uncertain mothers out there. Don't let it get to you. Mothers are dealing with a sensitive issue when their kids are involved. The reaction you're describing sounds like a lack of confidence in their approach. Rather than getting into head butting or accepting at face value try to get them to open up more by asking questions which can't be answered yes or no. They need to communicate the reason the question comes up. They may be fine and just have to blow off steam. Agreeing too quickly may be interpreted as lack of interest. I don't envy you on this task. It's not for nothing that psychiatrists are very high in alcohol/suicide lists. Good luck.

Sugar, I posted this here because I had written that very thing in a reply box and as my finger hovered over send I hustled over here.

I get so tired of women sometimes.

Not that I don't get tired of men sometimes, too. But there's a particular kind of person that drives me absolutely insane, and that I don't think I've ever run into a male of that particular type.

E's mom just sys, I feel like sucha bad mom. What do I say to that? Nonono, just can we try _____ with E for a while?

yup, you're right on several counts, bobsmyth. Often the intervening exchanges are in fact those kinds of questions from me. Then I'm stuck. If I think they are doing something ill-advised, what the heck do I say? They are begging for advice, feedback, etc., but they are really only begging to be told they are doing the right thing, no matter what.

Argh.

Some people.

Soz, just give them advice. Don't worry about their reaction to you.

littlek, I was thinking about you and E's mom during one of these exchanges. The "am I a bad mom?" person said that she currently is running a business from home, she has a 7-month old baby, she is paying someone to come for 5 hrs a day to watch the kid and her hubby takes the kid for 3 hours a day. She is overstressed because of the business. She is thinking about quitting. But she knows she couldn't handle being with her daughter all that time, so she would want to still have someone come and watch the daughter while she is being a stay-at-home mom.

My honest reaction is why the hell did you have a kid??

bingo!
tell her to rent a space to work from. If someone's there watching the kid anyway....

Soz- Haven't you noticed yet? If a woman is neurotic, parenthood magnifies it all. You strike me a very "together" mother. You really don't have to subject yourself to all this manipulation, by other mothers who don't have it together.

Next time someone pulls this on you, tell them to f*** off, (or other words to that effect ) and stop allowing yourself to be manipulated!

Honestly, this sounds a lot like "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Go for the gusto. If you have to ask, "Yes, honey, it does."

littlek, the thing is that it's a community like this one, and the real-life ones are with real-life friends, and if I didn't worry at least a little bit about reactions I would be a pariah in no time. I have to keep at least a few mom friends.

Rog, you're either a brave and bold man, or a complete fool . . . which may be interchangeable terms . . .

If ever i am asked such a question, i fake a choking fit, and fall on the floor, rolling around and gasping for breath . . . usually takes care of that pitfall . . .

So I'm an IDIOT!

Um, I'm also a divorced idiot. Any connection come to mind?

Soz

I'm with Sugar.

You did what??? - hell - yes, you're an absolutely rotten mum - why did you have kids, you dill?!

Roger and Setanta -

Soz - maybe a different mom-site? For non-neurotics....?

Sozobe--

Haven't you come across "The Great Big Rulebook In The Sky" or "My Way Is The Only Way"?

Mimi Wanna Be Good Mom probably shouldn't have had a baby. Unfortunately, you can't send babies back to the factory. If you put them up for adoption, your friends and family will probably disapprove.

Ergo: You must change yourself.

Mimi Wanna Be Good Mom likes herself just fine the way she is--stressed career woman. She senses that "can't stand the baby" is probably not becoming to a stressed career woman--or anyone else.

Because her conscience already has a layer of guilt, she doesn't want to examine her conscience--she wants to use you for a conscience. Having honored you with this choice she expects you to be totally and completely approving of her: her life, her career, her mothering choices, her mothering feelings.....

To prove your gratitude (and invalidate her own strong suspicions) you must agree with her completely in every particular. Every particular. Every single particular.

If you deviate, you are saying she's a Bad Mom and you've got your nerve setting yourself up a judge and jury!

I assume you're using the Parenting Site as a soundboard. She's using it as a mirror: "Mirror, mirror on the wall....."

Sozobe, even on the Internet void accepting apples from strangers.
When the knowledge of Good and Evil gets heavy, leave her alone in her fantasy land.

Roger, leesen to Setanta...

Littlek, yeah, I've looked, and that was the least neurotic mom-site I found. I think it's hard to find an un-neurotic mom-site.

Noddy, yes yes and yes. And another yes for good measure. I realize this. Every now and then -- once in a blue moon -- when I am the sole voice of "Well actually..." the recipient says, "thanks so much for your honesty. That's exactly what I wanted to know." Wasn't there some study about occasional rewards providing a stronger incentive than consistent rewards?

-sigh-

Anyway, thank you all for listening and for saving me from becoming an instant pariah. I may take permanent leave myself, but nice to have that be optional. As for my real-life mom friends... I could give Setanta's method a try...