update - even if you don't care ;)

Hi Danielle,

I'm glad that things seem to be turning around for you. Zoloft doesn't seem to help everyone; there are definitely some people in whom it inspires feelings of hopelessness and suicide, and evidently you're one of them. Not to pry (and you don't have to go into detail), but I take it you remain under a doctor's care and perhaps have been switched to some other medication?

And you're right, your health, right now, is of paramount importance. Your ex may or may not wait for you. I hope he does. In the meantime, you seem to be pulling yourself up and that's wonderful. Everyone here wants you to succeed and be well.

Good grief!

You have been through the ringer. Bless your sweet heart!!
<<<<<<<<<<hugs precious girl>>>>>>>>>>>

You must be incredibly strong to make it through such a nightmare.

What kind of work do you do on the farm?

Feel free to PM any time you feel like it.

Damn meds for depression can be worse than the depression sometimes.

Talk to me about your farm work dani. Its my kind of thing.

Right now on the farm we haven't been doing too much. I live in the Northeast and it has rained 6 out of 7 days here for the past three months. This is quite unusual for spring time.

But, it is a hay farm. Right now I have been painting the house and barn when there is a dry day and weeding the vegetable gardens on the rainy days. But it looks like it might start drying out pretty soon. So we will be cutting and baleing hay throughout July. I'm no sure what we will be doing in August yet.

That sounds like very exhausting work. But, if there's a good exhaustion, that sounds like it.

I'm glad you're okay! ((mademoiselle jean))

Just really good to hear from you. I wouldn't mind getting a farm job myself right now. Good for the soul. Good for the mind. ahh. I'm stuck in the city! I need out!

You sound better than before. Hopefully your trip through hell is over!

We're here for ya'.

Danielle, glad you're ok....my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

My goodness, youre having an eventful summer.

Sometimes you have to open old wounds to get rid of the infection.

If I'm prying, tell me off, but was the policeman who stopped you for speeding non-plussed at your request for transport to the hospital?

Hold your dominion.

oh d-jean, I'm so glad you made it through that crisis.

We might be anonymous to each other, but we still care

You talk about enjoying waitressing on your other thread...maybe that's what you need to be doing right now.

The Police Officer was very concerned about me actually. I was in tears when he stopped me and I said, "This has nothing to do with the ticket; I am going to pay it, but I was just thinking about how I could get my hands on a gun so that I could kill myself." He took me into his cruiser and asked me if I had any weapons on me. I told him no, and then proceeded to tell him how I had closed my eyes and taken my hands off the wheel. He was the one who asked me if I wanted to go to this hospital actually. I told him yes, so he called another officer who was not on highway patrol.

The other officer picked me up and took me to the hospital. He was very kind to me (not bad to look at either - even in crisis, you can't help but notice a good looking man). He talked to me for two hours. He stayed with me until my aunt and uncle came. He even brought my uncle back to the spot where my car was parked so that he could drive it home and it wouldn't have to be towed.

This officer suggested I call my ex-boyfriend to see if he would come visit me in the hospital. (this was before we went inside - we were still in the cruiser) I thought he might because I had seen him that day, and I knew he still cared for me. I called him right in front of the officer, and all he said to me was "Danielle, you should call your aunt". I was crushed. The officer looked at me, "So, is he coming?" I was so embarrased to say no. He said, "What are you feeling?" I said, "abandonment".

That was it. I stayed at the hospital for three days. Then I got released and went straight to work at a swanky resort - had another mini breakdown there, and came home.

Chai, I got a job waiting tables at a grill type resturant in the evenings as well as my farm job in the mornings. So, I am optimistic about all that. I also am off the drugs, and I have been exercising a lot. I even picked up my trumpet for the first time in weeks today. I am reading again, and I am feeling a lot better.

But every time I think about how he wouldn't come to the hospital to see me after he told me he'd do whatever it took to make sure I was well, I just become so angry and sad. I understand why he didn't come. He thought that it was his fault that I tried to kill myself because I had taken him out to brunch that day even though we were broken up. He told me that he thought every time I saw him, it made it worse. Maybe there is some truth in that. But it wasn't his fault that I wanted to die. It was that I felt like I didn't have control of my own life.

Anyway, I sent him an email last night (my first correspondence with him in over two weeks. I basically just apologised for expecting him to save me from my pain. I didn't say this in the email, but I am still very angry at him for not coming to see me. But I will move on with my life. I have to close that book, I suppose.

{{{{daniellejean}}}}

Sometimes anger is a good thing. I think this could be one of those times.

Danielle--


You Ex-Boyfriend deserves your anger--but he did make it clear that he's no Tower of Strength or Rock of Refuge for you in an emergency.

One psychological theory is that Depression is repressed anger, anger turned inward where it festers.

Why did you apologize to him? Because you took him at his word?

Righteous Anger isn't limited to religious fanatics. You're entitled to express rage instead of carrying it around like a tumor.

Hold your dominion.


P.S. I'm very impressed with the mental health savvy of the highway police. Hang onto their professionalism as one of the first of an accumulation of "good" memories.

yes, I was surprised at how well the officers handled it. I kept apologising to Officer John (the one who took me to the hospital), and he said not to apologise. He told me he deals with these things often and that I was going to make it through. He really put me at ease and actually put a smile on my face that day. I actually thanked God for sending me such a respectful and understanding person. I'll probably never see him again (unless he comes to eat at my restaurant - I work right off the stretch of highway where he works), but regardless, people like that make you realize that life really is worth living. Okay, I confess it - I have a crush on Officer John ;-) Can you blame me?

In all seriousness, cops are good people - even though they sometimes get a bad rep.

He was a good person, and he definitely knew what to do. I'm very glad that he was there for you when you needed someone like that the most. And hey, crushes can be a good thing.

Officer John sounds like a wonderful, temporary, emotional focus.

First qualification of a Dream Man is a guy who wants to help you.

He's probably taken, but there are other guys like that out there. Believe.