Will you stop please? Will you stop please?

For whatever my opinion is worth, I think you're doing a great job, shewolf.

I might also add...I was occasionally spanked as a child when I did something REALLY out of line. It didn't hurt me, and it didn't result in a lack of trust for my parents at all. Mind you, we're talking about a few swats to the bottom...not a beating. There is a huge difference, and I think most reasonable people know that.

You're right, it shouldn't be a first response. It should be a last resort.

We had friends whose children could be disciplined with nothing more than a stern look. God, how I envied them! Between the ages of 18 months and 2-1/2 yrs., it was a constant battle of wills for us.

My mother told me a story of when I was 2. I used to bang my head against the stairs to get attention. She didn't want to spank me but one day she did. I have never banged my head against the stairs again! Even though the spanking surely hurt less than what I was doing to my head it worked!

that sounds like me as a child.


And eva, thanks for your opinion. I value it, more then you think.



I was a child who wasnt 'spanked' i was beat. Wooden spoons, belts, fists you name it. I was an out of control child, but I was also a terribly sexualy abused child so being a mom now, I can absolutly understand the frustration my mom felt with me. And I can only imagine how SHE felt thinking that spanking was a last resort.
I dont like how she did it, and it took a while for me to trust her again as an adult.
There is alot to be said about those studies.

But I think that is where my fear of spanking comes from.
I dont ever want Bean to feel that way... but I am not the same person my mother was and I hope Bean never has the type of childhood I did to where she would feel as out of control as I did...
but sometimes just the word spank sends shivers up my spine.

good job. So you are getting a hang of it

Terribly sad to hear about your childhood. I can assure you, kids know the difference between a quick spank and true abuse. You being a Mom will know when you are beginning to loose her trust.

Heck!! I got spanked all the time. I was always all over the place, hurting myself. I jumped from a table on a row of glasses and cut my forehead. I jumped on a table because I wanted to switch on the lights, broke my nose when I fell down. I cut my chin twice. Everytime I got multiple stiches. I accomplished all of these by the time I was 6 yrs old. Poor mom. She was more hurt than I was. I remember her crying when I broke my nose. Spanking did not make me any more controlled but I never stopped trusting my mom.

That's exactly what the research shows, in fact.

Kids will try the same thing over again, even if they get spanked.

I'm not a spanking Nazi; I'm just reporting the research.

I appreciate that, DrewDad. It's just that, like I keep saying, there is no one right way that works for every child. In Shewolf's and LoveMyFamily's cases, spanking didn't work on them. In my son's case, reasoning and timeouts didn't work. He'd ignore the reasoning, and I could leave him in a timeout for 15 or 20 minutes, and the second I released him, he went straight back to what he was doing wrong. He seemed to enjoy showing me that no matter how long I made him sit there, he was going to do it anyway! Hardheaded *#&!@~! (Wonder where he got it? )


Ooh, Shewolf. Now I understand where the angst is coming from. But don't worry. There is a HUGE difference between what you went through and a simple swat on the bottom when she's doing something dangerous and needs to stop it immediately. You know that, don't you? Well, let me say it again. What you did was very responsible. You're a good mom.

spanking/smack on the bottom is for life threatening actions. Playing with matches or running on to a road are two situations where i have used phisical discipline. The less this form of punishment is used the more effective it becomes; because of the shock value.

Distraction......... my wife and i used this to good effect with our children. instead of just "stop it" when behavior became annoying we tried to substitute an activity that replaced the annoying behavior. In effect we tried to channel behavior into constructive or creative activity.

"How about you draw a picture with these crayons and we can show daddy a nice picture when he gets home."

Think about how many times you say NO, DONT and STOP to your child. These are negetive words.

We both agreed that STOP was a word that meant "stop, stand still this instant because something was really wrong"

Now that My kids are 18 and 15 I can confidently say It is really really easy to give advice.................

This is the exact thing that I used to be able to do with little Bean and it was 100% effective.
Now, she has caught on to the fact that I am quickly jumping into her 'games' because what she is doing isnt OK and she is having a moment of confusion where she is ( i think) trying to figure out WHAT it is that brought my attention so quickly.. so she can do it again.

Hence the- stop, please? Stop stop stop

I dont usually use the wort STOP. My favorite word is don't.

Because, for much of the same reasons you gave , the word stop means just that. Stop.
But when she is hitting a glass window with her chair ( because mama was looking else where for a minute) stop is what I want her to do!

The SOS book I linked to earlier has some excellent guidelines on using timeouts.

Rule of thumb is one minute of timeout per year of age of the child.

But "time out" is not helpful for all children, it wasn't for mine.
It seemed, for the longest time, the only word spoken in our house was
NO! I got down on my knees to be on eye level with my daughter and
firmly said No!

It didn't work in a day, or two, or three, but I consistently repeated my
spiel and we did have a breakthrough. After that, things got much easier,
as she respected my discipline.

As she got a bit older, I started counting to three. Had she not responded
by then, her bedtime was pushed up 30 min. earlier. That worked like a charm for a long time.

Yeah, we read that, too. <ROTFLMAO>

Unfortunately, our son didn't.

At the age of two, he hadn't even calmed down in ten minutes. At two minutes, he was still pounding on the chair and screaming!

We used distraction, re-direction, verbal warnings, etc., etc., etc. You name it, we used it. Spanking was only a last resort.

Something happened to our son at around 18 months. One morning, I went in to wake up my sweet, lovable child and found that someone had replaced him with an evil, psychotic lookalike. He went around the house as fast as he could all day, going from one "no-no" to the next, making messes everywhere. I couldn't clean one up fast enough to get to the next. As I was on my knees picking up broken glass, he'd be grinning malevolently at me with fistfuls of dirty cat litter. When I said, "Stop!," he'd run in the bedroom and throw the litter into my closet. After 10 straight hours of this (no naps!), Dad would arrive home and I would grab my car keys and leave. This went on all day, every day, for months. Then, for some equally unknown reason, one morning when he was about 2-1/2, I went into his room one morning, and my sweet, lovable child was back. I don't think it was anything I did...I think it was just a phase he went through. But ever since then, when I read of child abuse, I check to see what age the child was. Sure enough, age 2 comes up more often than any other. I am not suprised.

Hang in there, shewolf. One day it will mysteriously be over.

Oh! You were playing with him....

No, and I'm not going to play with you either, DrewDad!

Look. If your methods work for you with your children, I think that's great. I never suggested you were doing anything wrong. I'd appreciate it if you'd show the same respect for those of us who have found an occasional spanking works for our children. In other words, don't be so dogmatic.

At 2 (Although yours is older now compared to when you started the post) they do not have the control established between thier brain and body to stop even if they want to.

I would not intentionally SPANK. Most often when we spank we are venting anger not Disciplining. Disipline is not about Control. It is about letting go of control and letting them develope their own. By spanking you are encouraging them to be good only because the consequences are ..........