Cancer and Loved Ones

Ah, flush'd, sorry to hear this. Some people seem to have a fatalistic sense that perhaps does, or does not, come with the inroads of difficulty of keeping on keeping on in life. Various cancers are labelled into stages, though they don't always pan out. Some early small breast cancers are speedy demons (would that they soon find out how to identify those except by the five year pass), and some late late late bc's seem to be beatable (I've a friend who had a bone marrow transplant in stage 4 and is fine about seven years later now).

I never had chemo so can't really address it, but have friends who have been through very tough chemo. I'd suggest you look under websites for the particular cancer, and then you can link to data on chemo and discussions with people going through it. One friend really swore by her bc support website, for the depth of info and the emotional support. Whether you tell your relative about that, I dunno, but you might check it out.

Flush'd, you are obviously very distraught. I can't offer any wisdom, but I can offer thoughts and support. She is lucky to have you.

Chemo is harder on some people than on others. I had four wretched months, consoled by the idea that if chemo made my normal cells feel so miserable, the cancer cells had been completely routed. No one wants to grow up to be a Toxic Waste Dump, but Chemo is useful toxic waste.

Now when I say "wretched" I don't mean four months of total and complete misery. I was able to enjoy all my usual sedentary pursuits all the time and ten days or so after each treatment, I felt comparatively perky until the next one session.

I'm in remission now and have been for seven years.

A large, important fact that no one tells you. Chemotherapy destroys new cells. This is why your hair falls out--the new cells are destroyed. This is why the cancer is defeated--the new cells are destroyed.

Unfortunately Chemo induces temporary "chemobrain". You learn somethng new setting up new pathways in the brain....and the next morning some of that new learning has vanished. You make a mental note to buy corn flakes and brie...and you forget why you went to the store.

My computer skills were painfully acquired while I was undergoing chemo and I was Not Nice to my Son & Tutor. In fact, I was quite cranky. Lack of energy does that to me.

Chemobrain doesn't mean you become a blithering idiot--your poor little brain is just temporarily very stressed. You recover--although it may take as long as a year after the last chemo session before you're back to "normal".

What can you do?

Remember chemo is an energy-sapping therapy. The patient wants to enjoy life, but may lack the energy to jump start fun. Keep in touch. Call. Write. E-mail. Send little surprises. Do everything you can to provide a bright spot in a day.

Listen. Lots of chemo patients like to bitch and bitch and bitch. A good listener is a joy.

Hold your dominion.

My heartfelt sympathies, flush'd. I went through kinda sorta the same thing almost two years ago and one thing I learned was, what you're feeling tonight will probably not be where you're at next week. You'll figure out what needs to be done but go easy right now. You're still in shock.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((flushd)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am very glad your friend has you. THAT...loving support, and not shying away from the big stuff, not being scared to talk about fear and death and all that, while laughing with her when that is what she needs to do, that is the biggest thing. Being there.



I do not know how much you can do, nor what other supports your loved one has.


Here is what what we did for a friend recently.


I was able to take a day off work (combination of holidays and special leave.....she was our boss at the time) and take her to all chemos.

I just sat and chatted, or got warm blankets, drinks etc......empathised with the yucky bits, or distracted, as her mood dictated....massaged feet, or just sat there.


I handed over to other friends to stay with her for a few days, until she felt a bit better after each chemo.

We all bought treats, talked on the phone or visited or took her out.

I am used to death, cancer, medical aspects of treatment (worked as counsellor on a breast cancer unit, plus my mum died of it) so I was the friend she could really talk about the deep fears and the technical aspects and treatment choices to.....others preferred to stay with "you will get better and don't be silly stuff.....both have a place, especially with deniers as your friend seems to be.


I think just, in your times with her, staying firm and steady that you can cope if she wants to air the heavy stuff...showing that you are not scared to talk about it (most people are) will be your great gift.....also you know, I would imagine, how people can share fears through symbol and metaphor?.....being open to that and responsive on whatever level she is choosing to communicate on is a great gift.


It's trite sounding, but just love her....be the you she loves.

Would I be right in thinking she is one to whom others come, rather than she being one who is comfortable asking for help? If so, accepting support may be awkward for her, just naming that, and even making it a matter for humour can help...


Ack...the anger. I know that one....(my mum had to have a doctor forced on her after I had been nursing her bedridden for months at home, denying there was anything seriously wrong...I was just a kid).....but deniers do it for good (to them) reasons...I guess you just have to express your anger and accept that there is some sense to it.



Hugs again.

Thank you so much for the sweet replies. Eoe is right. I'm still in shock. I had a good cry tonight. Swallowed my pride and asked the bf if he would find some extra time for me right now. So I'll stay there for a while.

Osso, thx for the suggestion. I'm going to check that out. It also gave me the idea to go over to the cancer clinic (we have a good one here) and speak to someone. I should find some good resources there.

Noddy, thank you for your insight into what it truly feels like. I had never heard of chemobrain before. It calms me to hear the reality from someone who has been there. If I can understand some of what she is experiencing, I'll be less likely to unintentially irritate her. There is no way she will tell me or admit to how she feeling, so, I kinda have to know what to look out for. Cues.
And, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about your 7 year remission. I'm so glad I've had a chance to meet you.

Dlowan, thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot right now.
Your post makes sense, from the heart. I can do this; once I have my time to stop my little world from spinning. It's those practical things that get me through tough times - doing something.

She is one who others come to. She's a pillar. Strong woman, kind of spiky on the outside (i have to sneak-attack hug her ) with a big warm heart. She is a denier, and she doesn't ask for help. That's why I'm sending out the net to get as much info as possible - so I can know what do without waiting to be told (she'd just stay quiet).

She'll bitch when I call or show up, I know that already. But I know she loves it.

littlek and eoe,
thank you for the warm thoughts and support. it helps a lot.

night all. Hugs. Seeing the kind responses really touched me.

My mother went through chemo in '03 and, thank God, she has been cancer-free since October of that year. She went through chemo and it was tough because she's in NY and I'm in Boston and my brother is in Maryland.

A few things helped --
1) I visited a few times, as I could, so did my brother. Just a few days. Even if all you do is the laundry, it means a lot. She also came (with Dad, of course) to both of our homes and the diversion was extremely helpful.
2) My brother got her a subscription to a crossword puzzle magazine. You spend a lot of time waiting around and it helped pass the time. If your dear one doesn't like crosswords, perhaps a book club or just a few books are in order. DVDs/VHS tapes are fine, too, but for home. The books are for the waiting room. She might even like a Game Boy or music; does she have a Walkman? The things you want to do are: give her something to do while in the waiting room and also something to do at home when she's going to be mainly sedentary. These go a long way.
3) My mother's sense of smell became extremely acute; this was a part of the nausea. So I sent her some pot pourri packets, and that helped. If she got ill-feeling, she'd just grab the bag of peach-smelling stuff and it smelled okay to her.
4) Some foods are okay, some aren't. Mom was fine with Italian, but Chinese was no good. So we would go out for Italian, or cook it, when we saw her.
5) She will be tired a lot. Sometimes even just talking is going to tucker her out. Be prepared for this and don't overschedule. There's no problem with going to a museum, for example, if you make sure to only go to one or two exhibits and not the whole place, and bring the car around when the trip is done. A nice gift from the shop, to remember the trip, can be very special.
6) Mom got a wig, and I went with her when she got it. The people there were wonderful, and I helped her pick it out. I also got her an A2K hat and some kerchiefs for when she was just gardening or whatever and didn't feel like putting on the wig.
7) Irritability, like Noddy, said, may come with the territory. After all, it's no picnic. You will do best to be patient and assume that anything less than wonderful that is said or done is nothing that she really means to do. The more you can roll with the punches, the more she can.

She is lucky to have you.

I went through something similar with my grandfathers, having lost them both to cancer. You have my deepest sympathies, flushd. I hope she pulls through.

As you well know flushd, you'll find great support right here.