How Should I Approach The Waitresses? Suspect Husband ...

My advice is:
Speak to your husband, rather than the waitresses.
Alternately the only other suggestion is, ask a friend (preferably somebody your husband does not know) to go to the restaurant at the time when he's usually there and watch him.
I would not approach the waitresses at all.
Even if there was something going on, they are not actually doing anything wrong, since you and your husband are separated.

Hi Bohne,

Actually I have asked him about this ... cause he seems to go there allot, and he tells me he only orders most times .. sometimes he'll talk to them chit-chat and it's nothing. I called him on his cell when he was there once, and he had ordered a hot fudge sundae .. I heart the waitress laugh loudly when she served him. I asked why and he said she had put a LOT of whip cream on it .. like overflowing and a few of the waitresses were laughing allot about it. I guess I read something 'sexual' into that.

He told me he asked somebody sitting next to him once about his computer ... but then he admitted it was the waitress. Why lie? He says it's because if I told him it were her, I'd think something more.

Not sure if that was a cover up or the truth itself. It's hard to know with him, cause he's cheated on his first wife several times. Of course I know that was 11 years before he even met me and we've been married for 10 years now .... and as far as I know, he hasn't cheated .... but still, I guess it's because he's a big flirt ... and stares at every ass that he sees, I'm a bit insecure.

About us being separated: we both decided that we still loved each other and the separation was for space from fighting, stress and to take a break. We have continued to see each other regularly ... just live apart.

The other day while in a diner, I said something about going to dinner at this restaurant with him, meet the waitresses. He got this big smile on his face, started to laugh and got a bit red. I said .. what's up with that? He said I made him laugh because I'm trying to make something out of nothing, and he had NO problem taking me. Of course, now I wonder if he really WILL.

He gets really ANGRY if I push it ... and if I truly DID go with him, I believe it would make him even angrier and he would use that against me to say I really don't trust him. So it seems I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Dee

My advice, for what it's worth:

Drop it.

He says you don't trust him because you don't. You are separated. Just let it flow, see where the two of you go.

You said you still see each other regularly. Does that include sleeping together? If so, try letting him know you'll resume that activity when and if the two of you work out your differences. That should give you some indication of his love and devotion without sneaking around and spying on him.

If you love someone, set them free. Let them be. If they come back...

Ditto what squinney said. Is one of the reasons of being separated a result of your insecurity? Perhaps that is why he doesn't want to bring you to the restaurant - he is afraid you will embarass the waitress by asking her. Maybe that is why he said a little white lie because he knew you would get upset if he was talking and maybe a little innocent flirting with the waitress.

Since you're already all paranoid about it anyway, I think you're going to somehow do this regardless of the good advice to let it drop.


That said, since you're gonna end up doing it anyway…..here's how you go about it…..

#1 - you know when he gets off of work, so you need to already be there in your car. Don't park in the parking lot itself….Park next door if possible.
The trick is to be far enough away and parked casually enough out of sight that he doesn't see you or recognize the car. However it's got to be close enough that you can see him going into and coming out of the restaurant.
It would be really great if you could park in such a way that you can see who the waitress is…..

#2 - be patient. Sit kinda low in the seat and don't do anything to make you stand out. When he leaves, wait 15 minutes or more in case he forgot something, then go in to eat yourself.

#3 - This initial experience is just to get the lay of the place. You don't need to get the same waitress. Just enjoy your meal.

#4 - start doing this every chance you get…..except now you are a regular also….get friendly with the waitresses because you're a regular. Make up a story that you come to eat there because you just finished work and are on your way to a 2nd job, and this is the best way to get dinner.

#5 - by this time, you'll have figured out which is HIS waitress, and can sit at her station. You can talk about how your boyfriend is upset about you working 2 jobs, and casually ask if she's got a boyfriend.



This sounds like something a crazy person would do, doesn't it?

Yet, I know you've already thought all about this.

Jealousy is a terrible terrible thing. It doesn't keep someone with you, it pushes them away.

Wouldn't it just be easier to hire a PI.

Ahhh....It

dd54--

Welcome to A2K.

I agree with the other posters. Marital separations are supposed to be times for each person to evaluate his/her own life and character and to grow as a person.

You'd rather play Nancy Drew--and you're not particularly good at Girl Detective. What makes you think that the waitresses would have more fellow feminine feeling with a snoopy outsider than with a co-worker?

If you're really worried about your husband--from whom you are separated--sleeping with other women, either refuse to sleep with him yourself or insist that he wear a condom.

If you can't trust him, why do you plan on eventually getting back together with him? Of course, your snooping isn't exactly trustworthy behavior, is it?

You appear to be your own worst enemy. Your husband might love you, but you're driving him away. He's afraid to have an ordinary conversation with you. He must be careful and guarded with respect to everything he says. You subject him to interrogation at the slightest hint that he may have talked to another woman. You're constantly searching for signs of infidelity and you're driving yourself crazy--and him too. You're jealous, suspicious, and insecure. It doesn't appear that you're resolving any of your marital problems during this separation. You're just making things worse for yourself and for him.

It is impossible for you to isolate your husband so that he will never come into contact with another woman. He shouldn't be expected to live his life with blinders on his eyes in fear, if he glances at another woman, that he will have hell to pay with you. If you can't trust your husband--if you can't trust that he loves you and will be faithful to you--then end the relationship for good. I recommend that you seek individual counseling and try to understand why you're driven to put yourself and your man through all of this drama.

You obviously can't bring yourself to trust him, for whatever reason. Trust being fundamental to a good relationship, how do you propose to fix this? Either you decide he's trustworthy or he's not. If not, why are you wasting time on him? If so, why are you so paranoid?

All this sleuthing around is just so much juvenile bullschit. What makes you think the waitress will confide in you or, should she choose to do so, that she'll be anymore trustworthy than the husband to whom you are so quick to assign nefarious motives?

Hi dd54...

From experience, you need to just drop the whole waitress idea....sure, he goes there to eat, its relaxing to him, stress free, and the waitress makes him feel good about himself, thats probably all there is to it.

I'm a former cafe manager (jack of all trades in that area) and part of our job is to make things pleasant for our patrons, we all flirt, you know what? Thats the trick to a good TIP...and a customer that comes back to tip again.

But like Chai mentioned..your probably going to do it anyways...but questioning the waitress will undoubtedly cause you more problems...she will tell the husband, who in return is going to go off on you....for embarrassing him, and not trusting him.

Chai Tea gave you some good tips for spying, but she forgot one.

You'll need a ski mask.

In June?!

June, July, whatever - you gotta be inconspicuous. Right?

A black ski mask is a must in any season.

Besides, all good spies work at night anyway.

What about the old wig and dark glasses?


Huh?

Huh?

What about them?

Sure, that'll work. As long as he hasn't seen the wig before.

Did you tell her about writing her notes in code, too? Good spies always have their own secret code, y'know.

the word for the day is paranoid.
You two are seperated.
He visits a resteraunt and you heard a waitress laugh! Oh the cad! that scoundral! How dare he be around somebody who laughs! eeeeeeeek!
You will either get back together or you wont. Have you thought about going to a resteraunt yourself? And I don't mean the same one he goes to.
Enjoy your life, whether he's part of it or not.

But, that's just me

Also, call me nuts, but when you're separated, doesn't that mean that you can see other people?