My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We also have a 5 year old little girl. About a month ago, I was sitting at my husband's computer fixing a problem. After I finished, I went onto his myspace page and was looking around. Without even thinking, I went into his sent messages in his mailbox. I saw there that he had written a short letter to one of my ex-best friends. (Little background into what kind of person this girl is. She has two children by two different men. Shes single and VERY sexually active. She has lived with us (out of my pure generosity) about 4 times. I have seen her sleep with married men multiple times. She also enjoys sleeping with two men at the same time. Last year alone, she had THREE ABORTIONS! By THREE different men! And in my opinion, she is not the prettiest thing in this world. She is also a TERRIBLE friend. Hence the reason why she is an EX best friend. And she got that title BEFORE my husband did what he did. )
Anyway, I went into his sent messages and saw that he had sent her a message. I was just curious, because I TOTALLU trusted him. I opened the sent item and saw that he had told her "That pic is sexy as HELL!" I was SHOCKED! So I backed out and looked at the next sent message to her on his list. This one said "Where did you go? Melanie has left work and will be home soon." After reading this, I KNEW that something was up. So I went into his yahoo messenger and tried to look at his archives. Of course, they were empty. All of this time, my new best friend was sitting beside me and my husband was obviously pacing hoping that I wouldn't find anything. Well, being the computer hacker I am, I downloaded a program that will decode those hidden yahoo archives so that I can see them. By this time, my husband saw what I was about to do. Right when I got this program up and running, he started to violently PULL all of the cables out of the back of his computer and proceeded to take the computer tower out of the door and throw it in the back of his truck. At this point, I am SCARED and CONFUSED. Not knowing what happened was about to kill me. Later that night after much much maddness, he told me that he had asked her to have sex with him. He also said that he told her that I was LAZY in bed and that I didn't do it for him anymore. He has tried to lie his way out of this situation. He even DESTROYED this computer, (EXCEPT FOR HIS HARD DRIVE, HEHEHE). After all of this, he told me that he never meant it and that he would never have done anything with her. My philosophy is that if you make your bed, you sleep in it. It is hard for me not to bring it up as I feel nasty, used, strung along and not loved. But he gets SOOOO mad at me when I feel hurt and want to talk about it. He says that he is tired of hearing about it. PLEASE HELP!!!! I NEED AS MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN GET!!! I'm soooooo tempted to leave and get a divorce. I understand that he didn't actually do it but since he destroyed the computer, I feel that I am not able to get closure until I find out if everything that he has told me is actually EVERYTHING. Please someone!!! I need advice!!! Should I uproot my family?! PLEASE HELP!!!
First of all, I think your imagination is running away with you because of what you know about this woman.
I think you need to slow down before jimpting to any conclusions.
Ask your husband if anything is going on between them.
If he says no, ask him to explain what you saw on the computer.
After he provides you with the answer, drop the matter if nthing really happened.
If something did happen, ask him what his plans are.
You must confront him to make sure your trust in him is not lost.
If he lies to you, then you have some options to consider.
Talk to a professional before you take any action.
Good luck.
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EmilyGreen
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Sun 28 May, 2006 06:36 pm
Get a look at that hard drive, but be prepared for what you can find.
Either way, you don't want a dishonest husband who requests sex from other women. I'd go ahead and plan for divorce, based on what he told you so far.
I'm so sorry.
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Eva
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Sun 28 May, 2006 07:03 pm
I hardly EVER disagree with c.i., but this man sounds like a cheater from what you have said. I wouldn't trust a husband who admits he asked someone else to have sex, admits that he told another women that you don't excite him, and gets angry when you feel hurt by these behaviors. That is very untrustworthy.
I guess you need to do the old "Am I Better Off With Him or Without Him" test. Make two lists, and compare them. If you think you'll be better off with him, you will have to figure out a way to live with these things.
Good luck.
One thing I DO agree with c.i. about....you should talk to a professional counselor. They have a way of making you see things more clearly.
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BlaiseDaley
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Sun 28 May, 2006 07:07 pm
Is you curiosity so great that you have to see what was on the computer? When you do see what's on the hard drive what is going to change? It may be a bit early but is seems forgiveness isn't an option so, with that being the case, let it go and move on.
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squinney
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Sun 28 May, 2006 07:13 pm
IMO, you don't need to see the hard drive. What he said to you is all I would need to know to make a decision.
BTW, am I understanding correctly that he was there watching you look at his Myspace and messages? He and your new friend were there? I'm having trouble picturing a friend being with me and I sit down to look at my spouses webpage, and he's standing there letting me and then throws a fit and my friend is still there... ??
Why were you doing this with them present?
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makemeshiver33
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Sun 28 May, 2006 07:14 pm
Ok...
When a man goes as far as to pull a computer out of the wall, toss it in the back of his truck to keep you from finding anything more on the computer...do you not think that he's scared of what else you will find...maybe other than just that one sleeze ball that he's been talking too?
I just don't buy it. From personal experience, he's probably been talking to more than just one, (I take it he chats?) and doesn't want you to find the rest of the evidence or what more he's hiding. I mean..come on, if he's actually telling you the truth, then why did he pull the whole thing out of the wall and run off with it? He could have stopped you right there, confessed and been done with it....
Get all the information off the hard drive, then confront him....maybe he'll own up to everything he was hiding...and you can work it out. Maybe not...
But either way, be prepared for what might be lurking....
I'm sorry, I know it hurts your heart...it does.
MMS
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EmilyGreen
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Sun 28 May, 2006 07:23 pm
The information on the hard drive will help in any custody battle and divorce settlement you face. Talk to a lawyer, let them handle it. Maybe you won't have to deal with the horror of looking on it yourself.
This man has many strikes against him. You can't stay with him. You'll never be able to trust him, and who knows what your child will end up witnessing. Do you and your daughter a favor, and gather your strength to separate yourself from this sleeze that has entered your life.
In the future, you and your significant other should both be on the same page about computer usage, and the kinds of people you associate with.
My heart is with you. You're strong enough to do this for your daughter and yourself.
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flushd
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Mon 29 May, 2006 12:10 am
Re: Please help!!! What would you do in this situation!! PLE
I'm sorry, I am having trouble with the font colour right now. My responses have *** in front of them.
southernmel1st wrote:
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We also have a 5 year old little girl.
***How old are you? Did you marry young and straight from your home?
About a month ago, I was sitting at my husband's computer fixing a problem. After I finished, I went onto his myspace page and was looking around. Without even thinking, I went into his sent messages in his mailbox.
***Why did you look at his sent messages? That's not right.
I saw there that he had written a short letter to one of my ex-best friends. (Little background into what kind of person this girl is. She has two children by two different men. Shes single and VERY sexually active. She has lived with us (out of my pure generosity) about 4 times. I have seen her sleep with married men multiple times. She also enjoys sleeping with two men at the same time. Last year alone, she had THREE ABORTIONS! By THREE different men! And in my opinion, she is not the prettiest thing in this world. She is also a TERRIBLE friend. Hence the reason why she is an EX best friend. And she got that title BEFORE my husband did what he did. )
***What is this? High school? No need to bash someone we don't know. It doesn't make your story any more credible. It makes it less so. Also, I don't believe you housed her 'out of pure generosity' 4 times. You had plenty of opportunity to see her character: so what did you get out of it?
Anyway, I went into his sent messages and saw that he had sent her a message. I was just curious, because I TOTALLU trusted him.
***Bullshit. If you trusted him, you'd stay out of his stuff. You weren't 'just curious'. So what's the real deal?
I opened the sent item and saw that he had told her "That pic is sexy as HELL!" I was SHOCKED!
***Were you really? Somehow I think you suspected and were waiting for something like this.
So I backed out and looked at the next sent message to her on his list. This one said "Where did you go? Melanie has left work and will be home soon." After reading this, I KNEW that something was up. So I went into his yahoo messenger and tried to look at his archives. Of course, they were empty. All of this time, my new best friend was sitting beside me and my husband was obviously pacing hoping that I wouldn't find anything.
***That ain't good. I find it beyond weird that your hubby and friend were there as you were doing this!
Well, being the computer hacker I am, I downloaded a program that will decode those hidden yahoo archives so that I can see them. By this time, my husband saw what I was about to do. Right when I got this program up and running, he started to violently PULL all of the cables out of the back of his computer and proceeded to take the computer tower out of the door and throw it in the back of his truck.
***Maybe he was pissed off. He admits below, he has done inappropriate things. Maybe he has cheated. Maybe he is just acting dramatically, right in key with you. Maybe you have an unhealthy dynamic.
At this point, I am SCARED and CONFUSED. Not knowing what happened was about to kill me. Later that night after much much maddness, he told me that he had asked her to have sex with him. He also said that he told her that I was LAZY in bed and that I didn't do it for him anymore. He has tried to lie his way out of this situation. He even DESTROYED this computer, (EXCEPT FOR HIS HARD DRIVE, HEHEHE).
***Sure, he wants to say things and do things to hurt you. After all, he is looking elsewhere and the two of you obviously have problems.
After all of this, he told me that he never meant it and that he would never have done anything with her.
***Translation: He realized he wasn't gonna get any in the sack from you until he 'made good'.
My philosophy is that if you make your bed, you sleep in it.
***Literally? Did you sleep with him that night? Please say no.
It is hard for me not to bring it up as I feel nasty, used, strung along and not loved.
***Of course. It is painful that he has looked elsewhere and disrespected you, his wife.
But he gets SOOOO mad at me when I feel hurt and want to talk about it. He says that he is tired of hearing about it. PLEASE HELP!!!! I NEED AS MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN GET!!! I'm soooooo tempted to leave and get a divorce. I understand that he didn't actually do it but since he destroyed the computer, I feel that I am not able to get closure until I find out if everything that he has told me is actually EVERYTHING. Please someone!!! I need advice!!! Should I uproot my family?! PLEASE HELP!!!
I don't think it matters at this point, except to you, whether he has done more. Your relationship is in big trouble!
What motivation does he have right now to be upfront and honest with you? Not a whole hell of a lot.
Personally, I would kick him out of the house. Then again, I can see equal reasoning for him to kick you out of the house!
Either way: space apart to think and breathe sounds like a good idea.
It would protect your daughter from having to live around constant tension/fighting/whatever is happening now.
Talk to a professional. When you do: Accept responsiblity for your part in the relationship and don't gloss **** over.
See what someone who is trained in this has to say.
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BlaiseDaley
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Mon 29 May, 2006 01:47 am
Wow.
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EmilyGreen
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Mon 29 May, 2006 05:30 am
flushd, are you her husband's lawyer??? Jeeze!
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cicerone imposter
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Mon 29 May, 2006 10:32 am
A wise saying is "don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see."
That's the reason a confrontation is necessary to clear up if there is any misunderstanding, then to seek professional help.
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squinney
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Mon 29 May, 2006 03:40 pm
I was evidently much to subtle in stating my doubts.
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southernmel1st
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Mon 29 May, 2006 03:59 pm
First Off
First Off, thank you EmilyGreen for sticking up for me. You took the words right out of my mouth.
Second, In response to "flushd"
***How old are you? Did you marry young and straight from your home?- Yes. I'm 24, hes 25.
***Why did you look at his sent messages? That's not right. I accidently went into his sent messages. I really didn't mean to. I trusted him with everything. I didn't have a reason to snoop. I just basically ran into it.
***What is this? High school? No need to bash someone we don't know. It doesn't make your story any more credible. It makes it less so. Also, I don't believe you housed her 'out of pure generosity' 4 times. You had plenty of opportunity to see her character: so what did you get out of it? EXCUSE ME!!!! I knew this person ALL too
well!!!! And YES, I did house her out of PURE generosity!!! I felt SORRY for her!!! She was "supposed" to be my "best" friend!!!! And yes I did know her character!! But I am not one to let someone sleep on the street when I have a room that no one is using!!!
***Bullshit. If you trusted him, you'd stay out of his stuff. You weren't 'just curious'. So what's the real deal? AGAIN!!!! I wasn't looking for anything!!! I was just browsing and stumbled upon it! I trusted him with ALL of my heart!!! I would have NEVER thought that he would have done that to me!!! NEVER!
***Were you really? Somehow I think you suspected and were waiting for something like this. NO! No waiting!!! Just PURE SHOCK! DAMN you are opinionated!
***That ain't good. I find it beyond weird that your hubby and friend were there as you were doing this! We were having a "tattoo party". There were lots of people here to witness this!!! But my husband didn't realize that I could go to his hard drive for the coded archive. So he wasn't too worried until he saw me actually pull it up!!
***Maybe he was pissed off. He admits below, he has done inappropriate things. Maybe he has cheated. Maybe he is just acting dramatically, right in key with you. Maybe you have an unhealthy dynamic. Don't talk to me about an "unhealthy" dynamic. By the way you are accusing ME, it sounds like YOU have the unhealthy dynamic!!
***Sure, he wants to say things and do things to hurt you. After all, he is looking elsewhere and the two of you obviously have problems. No **** sherlock! What ever gave you that idea? DUH!
***Translation: He realized he wasn't gonna get any in the sack from you until he 'made good'. Don't EVEN talk to me about what I do in bed!!!! You have NO idea how beautiful or good in bed I am! Sounds like you are reversing this whole thing! Are you having problems keeping your man happy in bed?! Thats what I thought. Now that the line is reversed, it sucks huh? Someone who doesn't know you is commenting on how you are in bed. Stings huh?
***Literally? Did you sleep with him that night? Please say no. NO!
Personally, I would kick him out of the house. Then again, I can see equal reasoning for him to kick you out of the house! And what the HELL makes you say that?!
Talk to a professional. When you do: Accept responsiblity for your part in the relationship and don't gloss **** over. You don't know me so don't sit there with your snide remarks and tell me not to gloss it over. We are NOT fighting. We are NOT yelling. I just came into this site to get a couple points of view on the situation. Not to hear you VENT about your own probelms. (Which, by the way, it definately sounds like you have some personal issues to contend with.) I am going to give YOU a little bit of advice. GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!! It seems like you get off on punching people in the gut when they are down. You are crazy!!! Don't even respond! Just shove your BAD advice up your ass and get off of the computer and tend to you OWN family!!!
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ehBeth
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Mon 29 May, 2006 04:12 pm
Looks like flushd was on track.
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EmilyGreen
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Mon 29 May, 2006 06:59 pm
flushd and ehbeth, I think southernmel1st needs more guidance right now than opinionated attacks. Now you have her on the defensive, and that's not helpful in any way.
How she found out is irrelevant at this point. What she found out IS.
Computers and the internet have gone above and beyone all temptations for most people, and a lot of harm has come out of it for many marriages. True colors really shine through internet usage.
Southernmel1st, if what you said here is true, and you really found out that your husband requested sex from someone else - whether they went through with it or not - that is a problem that should send you to either a counsellor or better yet, a divorce lawyer. You're both very young, and you should either agree to move on together with NO internet, or separate.
There's MY opinion - no attack necessary.
I usually stear clear of the relationship threads, and now that I read one, I'm just shocked at how cold people can be. When you're hurt and upset, you don't type things out perfectly.
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flushd
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Mon 29 May, 2006 08:48 pm
EmilyGreen,
I haven't met you yet, so 'Hi'.
Ok, so I was mean. I admit it. And I probably took it a bit overboard.
However, I did have my reasons for replying the way I did.
It's not personal. I do not know southernmel1st from a hole in the ground and she does not know me.
Out of all the replies here, southernmel1st, you replied to mine by 'taking the bait'. And only mine.
There are a lot of other posters who offered advice and kindness. Maybe you'd prefer to chat with them.
I'll respect your request to 'don't even respond' anymore.
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ehBeth
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Tue 30 May, 2006 02:53 pm
Interesting perspective, Emily Green.
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Bella Dea
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Tue 30 May, 2006 03:34 pm
southernmel1st
You wanted advice but can't take the criticism.
You have a nasty mouth so I am going to keep my comments to a minimum since you will probably want me to "shove them up my ass".
You snooped and you found what you didn't want to find. Plain and simple. Life isn't always sunshine and roses. Now, you need to deal with it. Sucks and it isn't fair and it sure isn't right but you have to deal with it. It won't go away.
What's the problem here? What is your question? Should you leave him? Seek marital counseling? You don't trust your husband. He lied. His intentions are obviously not honerable. He ripped the computer out of the wall to avoid you seeing his dirty secrets.
YOU snooped. HE lied. They are both pretty dishonerable.
Now, you seem to think there is some quick "fix" for this.
I don't think flushd was accusing you of causing your husband to stray but meant that before blaming your "slut friend" and "dirty cheating husband" you might want to take a look at what has happened in the past with BOTH of you. Within your marriage. That is, if you want a better look at what to do for the future.
Here's what I mean: If you were both remiss in the marriage, maybe you can mend things. If you were giving 150% and he was still screwing around, I doubt there's a chance for happiness. A marriage counselor might not do any good if you can't ever trust him again.
Personally, I'd tell him he'd better come clean or I was out.
Now go ahead and tell me that my marriage is miserable and that I should just shut my computer off and work on my family. But dont bother coming back here in 2 weeks to whine about how miserable you are and how you "don't know what to do" because you haven't listened to any advice or done anything about this.
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southernmel1st
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Wed 31 May, 2006 06:43 pm
I thank everyone who had kind advice
Thanks to everyone who had kind advice. But, I'm out of this forum. I just joined, and I'm already out. I understand that forums have some bad apples but geez. I never expected there to be this many people that are so critical of other people that they don't even know. ALL I asked was for advice. Not for people to bash me that don't even know me. The death of this site will be because of those people (who shall remain un-named) who like to bash people RIGHT when they join.
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