Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Huh? Can I? Can I?

Most kids are like this, boomer. I've learned to tell Jane of a specific
event only hours before it happens, otherwise she'd pest the heck out
of me.

30 minutes is an eternity for a child, and when I used to say, that we'll
go to the playground in 30 minutes, Jane would ask me every few minutes,
if it was time to go. To keep my sanity, I had started telling her 2 minutes beforehand, and it worked.

Yet, I still find myself telling her "which part of NO don't you understand?"

Now, with the neighbor's puppy, I would tell Mo, that the pup needs
a lot of rest, and playtime is very limited, and he first has to set up
a play date with the neighbors, like he does with his friends.

Put it this way -- again without making any judgements about whether it is or isn't OCD, 'cause I plain don't know -- there are all kinds of behaviors that are pathological in one context and fine in another. They can be identical behaviors that play out identically. So it might even be obsessive behavior -- and still developmentally appropriate.

I would agree with J_B to throw in a reasoning. A detailed one. But again you need to make sure that he is listening and understanding. I had these episodes and still do. In those times, to me it feels like he is so busy obsessing about it that my reasoning and telling him no is making no effect. Like Chai said, if I said yes, he would still continue asking. In those times, what helps is sitting down with him in a separate place away from distraction(house work, magazine, tv, music), just me and him, may be in his room or the study, get his attention and explain him the reason. I wait for few minutes to understand if he got what I said. If he did, then I distract him with some activity or some game that he enjoys.

Also do you see any trend in this? Like this happens when he is sitting at home all day or did not play with his favourite ball.

One other thought is that this could tie in to the RAD. I can see all of this coming down to trust. He really wants a toy, and he's not sure if he completely believes that you'll get it for him until he has it in his hand; he wants to play with the dog, and he doesn't really trust that you'll let him know when he has an opportunity (and that he'd therefore miss the opportunity).

If that's the case (it's late, E.G. isn't back from a plane trip yet and I'm trying to figure out what's up, not sure if it will make sense in the light of day), then just going through it all until he's gotten to the point where he knows you're trustworthy may be necessary.

Yeah, kids at that age can be merciless in their pursuit of something they want or set their brains to. Super-focus. I won't even speculate as to whether this is OCD or something like, or regular kid behavior.

Have you tried the 'Why?' trick?

"Can I go play with the puppy now?"
"Why?"
<stunned>
"I want to go play with the puppy!"
"Why do you want to play with the puppy?"

One kid cracked up laughing when I did this. He realized he was being silly right away. He had been asking for a chocolate bar over and over.
I've done this with mixed results. It really depends on the kid.
Sometimes it will set the kid off into a tantrum of emotion 'gimme'.
Sometimes the child will actually get a kick out of being asked, answer, and give a clue as to the drive behind their persistence.
It can work at times to find out if the kid is just wanting something, or if there is something else at play.
If it's something else, then I usually try another way of filling the need, or it blows over by itself.

Just a thought.

Re: Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Huh? Can I? Can I?

This could have been me, or any of my two sisters, or any of my two little cousins. (On the other hand, our kindergarden psychiatrist once told my mother I'd grow up retarded unless she were to seek professional help for me, and my mother declined to seek it. You want to take my opinions with a grain of salt.)


I like DrewDad's approach too. It seems to me that it generalizes naturally to "sometimes yes" situations, and that generalization would be Socratic questioning. "Is the sun shining?" "Were you invited?" "Is it past the neighbors' lunchtime?" Go down the list, and if you don't pass a show-stopper while doing it, say "okay, this means you can go".

From his view, the way it currently works, you are the obstacle between him and what he wants. So he's working hard to overcome you, as would many children his age. I suspect the trick is to teach him that the obstacle isn't you: it's the cold, hard facts of meteorology, other people's habits, and manners, which exist whether you tell him about them or not.

Thank you all.

I think I need to get my patience back on track. When this first started I did take time to explain things in a more rational/reasonable manner but after dealing with it for so long and for so often I think I have blunted down my responses.

I will try to go back to square one - more explaining and start asking him questions. I can do that.

I guess one of the reasons this drives me so bananas is that we have two dogs and a cat right here in our very own house that he can play with any time he wants.

Completely understandable.

(Preschoolers are weird.)

Hm ... could he be testing his power? "Demand something I can't get, see if I can wear her down." It's not entirely unheard of for children his age; in fact it's one of the perks of unclehood as opposed to parenthood. You have my fullest sympathy.

boomer, when my daughter was about two years old, every time we would go to grandmother's house, she would become fascinated with the knick knacks on the mantle piece, constantly saying, " Have it; have it."

They were antiques and priceless. Finally, I took one and we sat in the floor and examined the thing. That seemed to satisfy her curiosity.

Why not try this. The next time that Mo wants to play with King, go with him to the neighbor's yard and both of you fool around with the dog. Pre schoolers always seem to want what they can't have, and this approach may well solve the problem, but only temporarily. <smile>

Uncle Thomas has an excellent point.



Boomer--

I'm guessing part of the problem is that part of your mind is dealing with the long range tactics and emotions of the open adoption. This is exhausting.

Mo is living totally in the Here & Now and has abundant energy.

Perhaps he not only wants access to the puppy, but he wants your full and complete attention?

Have another grey hair.

Hold your dominion.

Now that you mention it -- I have been a bit taxed mentally of late.

We've been blowing off steam by being very physically active lately. I took the training wheels off of his bike which means I race up and down the street providing a bit of balance 50 times a day. Then we ride scooters (foot push scooter deals) then we work in the garden, then we dig holes/play in the mud/whatever. Even with all that my attention is a bit divided.

He is going to spend tomorrow with his grandparents. I think I'll just blow everything and everybody off and take a day to unwind.

Sounds great.

(And I agree with the possible "pay attention to me!!!" aspect.)

We're doing the bike-training thing too, ouch my back. For some reason I thought she'd just kind of take off and it's not happening. Yet, anyway. Running all crouched over like that is murder tho.

Re: Riding without training wheels.

I used to launch the kid for ten steps and then start to count seconds in a loud clear voice.

Once you get to thirty seconds, mastery has been achieved.

Of course, I've always hated exercise.