Thanks guys so much for your previous answers - they were more useful to me than you'll ever realize.
I moved to America from Ireland two years ago to live in the town where my wife grew up. We live close to her parents which is wonderful, but it isn't a very big town, and although I see people with my job, I don't meet very many people (anyone?) that I really connect with or could see myself being friends with. We are involved in a building project here and really life would be much tougher elsewhere, we really benefit from the support of her parents, with babysitting our 3 yr old etc. which is great for our marriage cause we get to go out and do stuff.
But... and our marriage is great otherwise.... I just don't have any friends who live anywhere near here, and get lonely when she isn't around, which I think is part of the problem I wrote about before - I sometimes get irritable without meaning to when she has a great time out doing something somewhere because I feel very lonely. For the past few days she has been visiting family with our son and I just have been totally lost.
On top of that, I think the situation makes me clingy. My wife doesn't seem to interpret it as that and never says anything, but I am wondering if she sometimes feels obliged to spend time with me just because I'm always there wanting to be with her?
Since my last post I've had tons of great ideas of things to do with her that we've done - we've connected with another couple we know (but she gets along with the girl much better than I get along with the guy), we've went hiking, we've played tennis early in the morning before work, we've done dinner and lots of recreational things together, most of which she loves.... but I still worry about being too clingy a lot, and I worry that sometimes I'll be a burden on her, and on top of all that I feel very lonely when she isn't around.
As a result, every time she's gone - I get into an awful mood. Every time she and I have a little disagreement - I have nobody to go to or talk to, so it escalates and eventually I come back and make up - I'm sometimes apologizing even though I don't think I should have to, because the lonliness when she isn't there is SO horrible!
It makes me feel kinda pathetic, and I wonder if it ever rubs off on her - I can't imagine her wanting to be with me in this kind of mood, and the whole way I've changed could possibly prove to be a problem eventually if it makes me seem less attractive or less of the guy I was???
MAN. I find myself obsessing over my marriage at times.
I certainly sympathize! I've done that twice, sort of; moved to an entirely new city where I didn't know anyone when I was 7 months pregnant, and moved to an entirely new city where I didn't know anyone when I had a 3.5 year old.
In both cases, it was new to my husband too, and I can imagine it all would have been that much harder if it was his hometown. As it is, we moved for his job and he instantly had a social network through that, that I didn't have. (Are you working?)
Anyway, A2K helped a lot in both of those situations! Just having some instant social contact, something else in my brain. I also did a lot of volunteering -- if you don't work, or if you have a job where you don't have much social contact or you don't like the people you work with, I'd recommend that. Volunteering is a great way to get to know people and to get your brain busy.
If you're not working, some sort of part-time job could help with all of that, too.
Good luck!
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Heeven
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Fri 19 May, 2006 12:42 pm
irishhusband, I am Irish too. I came to the U.S. alone almost 12 years ago and I suffered enormous culture shock and dreadful lonliness. The first year I worked as an au pair and lived with a family. Through them, I made connections and moved to Boston to start afresh, after finishing my stint with the au pair job. In Boston I joined the Irish communities by signing up for Irish clubs and just going to Irish bars. I found loads of people to socialise with. On the other hand, in the job I got, I started making friends with lots of Americans, and other people, yes even Brits!
You are not unusual in feeling what you're feeling. It took me a good two years to finally settle and start to feel like I could do this. You are still home-sick. You have probably had a very close-nit family and a realm of friends from Ireland and it's a shocker to suddenly not have them around you. It is natural for your wife to be more comfortable and confident in her home surroundings but you have to forge ahead and find friends of your own, guy friends, different to her friends. What part of the U.S. are you located? Is it city or rural?
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sozobe
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Fri 19 May, 2006 12:45 pm
irishhusband wrote:
and although I see people with my job,
Sorry, missed this!
Some kind of volunteering, or taking a class, or something like that could help.
Heeven's is the second reference I've seen recently to "Irish Clubs," I dunno if they're all over or not. That sounds promising, hope there's one in your city.
It's taken me about two years each time to get settled in, too. Just starting to reach that equilibrium here. (Moved here summer of '04.)
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panzade
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Fri 19 May, 2006 12:55 pm
the culture shock must be tough. If you remember that you're very unique and can bring a lot to outside social groups you'll start to get aclimatized...how about a darts or pool league?
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JPB
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Fri 19 May, 2006 12:57 pm
Re: Great marriage but lonely? Future?
irishhusband wrote:
... We live close to her parents which is wonderful, but it isn't a very big town, and although I see people with my job, I don't meet very many people (anyone?) that I really connect with or could see myself being friends with.
<snip>
Since my last post I've had tons of great ideas of things to do with her that we've done - we've connected with another couple we know (but she gets along with the girl much better than I get along with the guy),
Hello, irishhusband, maybe you could look at this from the opposite angle; what types of people make you comforable? Are you a liberal living in a conservative area, or vice-versa? What was it about you friends in Ireland that allowed you to feel connected? How about sports or hobbies; was that a shared interest with your Irish pals? Give some thought to what used to make a 'good time' and see if there might be some opportunities for similar activities in your current area.
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irishhusband
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Fri 19 May, 2006 01:49 pm
Yeah, it's not a very big town, there isn't a lot to do. I do see people at my job and really like it, but when 5 o'clock comes I can't wait to spend time with my wife. Panzade- I used to feel very unique and very confident, and I still give off that impression in public, but really the only person I'm 100 percent comfortable with is my wife now. And I am SO American in attitude and everyone says I fit in real well, and I do, and I love it here... but it's this danged feeling of lonliness at times. Sozobe it sounds like our stories are alike in some ways. I appreciate your suggestions a lot. Heeven I wish you lived in my neighborhood. You're right - I guess I am still homesick a little, even though I've invested 100 percent of myself into life here.
Sometimes I wonder if I am giving my wife too much attention, you know? Like if one day I decide to change a few things and she'll miss the attention and the marriage will no longer be any good?
BASICALLY I think I'm thinking too much about our relationship, it drives me nuts. But, due to the fact that my relationship with her is all I have (or it seems so sometimes) - and I don't mind that in the slightest (but maybe I should).... it really makes me think about it a lot, because I'm so invested in it. Know what I mean?
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Heeven
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Fri 19 May, 2006 02:06 pm
Well to me it sounds like you are madly in love with your wife and what woman wouldn't be delighted at that?
Being concerned that you are possibly too clingy and might upset her with this behavior at some point, shows quite a bit of thoughtfulness about you. Sheesh man! We women complain about our men not anticipating our every feeling and thought ... do you have brothers?
Considering the fact that in the last (I am guessing) 3-5 years you got married, emigrated to another country thousands of miles away from your family/friends, moved into a new home in a smallish populated area, had a child, got a new job, etc., etc., - I don't think you are doing too badly.
Worrying that you are feeling lonely when you wife is not around is a valid one but not the end of the world. It is something you can work on. If you don't physically have people or places nearby where you can meet potentially new friends then join an online community for details of where to go in your area. One to try is Irish Abroad. At the very least you might be able to find some members in the same U.S. State as you live and ask for suggestions or even try to arrange a group meeting to find out how others are faring?
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irishhusband
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Fri 19 May, 2006 02:40 pm
Heeven-
We were married 5 years ago. For the first 2 years she lived with me in Ireland, and she was a stay at home mom, and although she didn't say much she was really lonely and doing MUCH MUCH worse than I am here. I eventually saw this (one night I pretended to be asleep when she came to bed but was really awake, and heard her just sobbing in bed beside me). That did it - I immediately made plans to move here to the States - I couldn't bear her to be unhappy by being with me. You're right - I love her MADLY and would do absolutely anything to make her happy.
She didn't get out a lot before marrying me and I think if she could move to a bigger city she'd do it in a heartbeat - but I think the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side. Life is pretty good here really. What we could do with is just having a little bit more independence sometimes, maybe, so we're not spending all our spare time together.
But I don't want that. But maybe she does? HAHA!
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Heeven
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Fri 19 May, 2006 02:57 pm
Have you brought this up with her? Does she even feel that you two spend TOO much time together? You could be imagining that this might be a bad thing. She might love the fact that you two are so close and want to be together as much as possible. Don't make the mistake of measuring your relationship by everybody elses yardstick and thinking you HAVE TO spend time away from each other, be independent and have differing friends if that is not what would make the both of you happy! If she is happy and you are happy spending all your time together then there is nothing wrong. If you are unsure how she feels, ask her and ask her to be honest, tell her she won't hurt your feelings if she says she needs some friend-time or private-time. Sometimes putting things on the table to discuss is a huge weight off.
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sozobe
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Fri 19 May, 2006 02:59 pm
Irishuhusband, I really do relate. My first taste of this was when I had just graduated with my bachelor's degree. I looked for jobs, couldn't find any, and was basically sitting around all day. Most of my friends from college had moved after graduation or had found jobs. My husband (then live-in boyfriend) was working, a lot.
I'd always been pretty confident and self-sufficient, but after several weeks of that (with no end in sight) I started going a bit batty. I entertained paranoid fantasies of what might be happening at my husband's office. I went through an old notepad he had and found a note from an old girlfriend and went utterly ballistic. (He didn't know it was there, she'd left it for him as a secret message sort of thing, for him to find when he came to that point in the notepad, but they broke up before he ever did. ) There wasn't any good reason for me to be ballistic -- I knew he had a girlfriend before me, and the note was old -- but I went ballistic.
Etc.
I finally kinda grabbed my own lapels and gave myself a good shake (er, figuratively speaking), and made a concerted effort to get other things in my brain so that bad stuff didn't sneak into empty spots. Decided to go back to school to get a master's degree, did so, and never looked back.
When I was pregnant, I knew that the emptiness was bad bad bad and so made sure I was scheduled full of brain-busying activities. Haven't gotten back to that empty place since I made the master's degree decision. Has taken some active management, though.
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sozobe
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Fri 19 May, 2006 03:00 pm
Oh, and quite amazing of you to just up and leave Ireland because she was having such a hard time. Hats off.
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irishhusband
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Fri 19 May, 2006 03:16 pm
Heeven- Maybe she likes spending as much time with me as I do with her. But I think she's missed independence her whole life and then got married young to me, we were both young, and I think she misses other adult company sometimes. I could be wrong,... and maybe I should ask her a little more directly.
Sozobe- Yes it seems like a similar kind of feeling. I hear ya. That's why I went through such a hard time following her trip to meet with her online friends, and hearing her talk about the things that went on that night really freaked me out. I tried not to freak out, but I couldn't help it - I really got fairly paranoid that she had let her hair down more than ever before WITH OTHER PEOPLE! And with GUYS! I realize that it was just a good time, now though. What you said about giving yourself a shake was interesting.
I guess I should probably just get more into my own things sometimes. Hard to do, when you love being with someone as much as I love being with her. But maybe its more of an addiction, an unhealthy dependence, rather than just love. ?
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sozobe
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Fri 19 May, 2006 03:34 pm
I don't know that you need to categorize it. You can really really love her, a lot, and also benefit from being secure in your own skin.
It sounds like -- understandably -- you're not, right now. There are things you can do to change that, and I would guess that unless those things are excessive (in terms of time or expense), being more secure and comfortable will be good not only for you but for your marriage.
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sakhi
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Mon 22 May, 2006 12:29 am
Hi irishhusband,
You are catching youself being "clingy"...You've really solved half the problem since you're realizing that you might just be spending too much time with her. You moved in to a new place for your wife's sake and you love her a lot - she;s lucky woman.
BUT:
Yes, though it's very flattering for a woman to have a husband who wants to spend all his spare time with her...it can get a bit suffocating. You say you hate being lonely. Is it only after you have come to the US that you feel this way? Or have you always wanted to spend as much time as possible with your wife? Or is it the fact that she sometimes has a good time with others thats annoying you?
Do you dislike spending time alone? Do you read, paint, or do some activity alone?
As sozobe says, I think all you need to do is to get comfortable under "your own skin".
That achieved, I think you have some wonderful times with your wife ahead and a great marriage to look forward to
Good luck.
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Bohne
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Mon 22 May, 2006 01:08 am
Go out and DO things on your own!
Join a club, go swimming, do evening classes,...
Anything where your wife is NOT involved.
I think that will make it easier for you to meet new people, and you might have something exciting to talk to your wife about, when you are back together.
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irishhusband
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Tue 23 May, 2006 03:06 pm
Sakhi- That's what I'm afraid of ... suffocating her.... my wife is the kind of girl that loves different people and she gets easily 'inspired' by and 'led' by people into different fads and interests, and that's GREAT (although I find it difficult to share her enthusiasm sometimes!) All I really want is to spend my spare time with her, but she doesn't seem to want it as much.
Take today's example. This week she is working Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. Today was our chance to have lunch. But she met this girl that she really gets along well with, so she decided to take a trip with her all day (and may not be back until later tonight). I said 'Ok', and tried to hide how sad I felt that we wouldn't be able to catch up at lunch - but I didn't do a great job and she said 'Its alright, I'll have my cellphone and I'll call you.' So its 2pm now and she hasn't called once, even though it's free!
Sounds stupid, huh? I just KNOW that if I was gone somewhere, I'd be thinking about her during the day enough to call her for just a minute or so to say Hi. Is she just having too much fun to remember? Or does she not think about me during her day the way I do her?
Then again, maybe I'm just jealous of the fact that she is off having such a great time with someone new, when I'm stuck working at home. (Last week she was away for 3 days, a couple of weeks before she was away for 2 weeks, and now she works weekends when I work weekDAYS, leaving us even less time together.)
Sometimes I just don't know if these feelings of mine are reasonable, or whether I'm completely pathetically insecure.
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Bohne
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Tue 23 May, 2006 04:23 pm
for one I don't think you should hide your feelings.
If you are disappointed, that she prefers to spend her ONE day off with somebody else, then I think you should tell her.
That doesn't mean you have to shout or be nasty about it.
I simply think that I would prefer my other half to be honest about his feelings.
secondly I stick with my advice: find yourself a life outside of your marriage.
That doesn't mean you have to start leading completely different lives.
I go out without my husband regularly.
There is times when he cannot go, because he's on call, and sometimes he prefers to spend time with his play station, instead of going out with friends or going to the pub.
So I go on my own or with other people.
That does not mean, I don't like to spend my time with him, when possible.
I might also be out all day, or several days without calling him.
That doesn't mean I do not think of him.
About your wife, you will only find out her reasons if you talk to her, I suppose.
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ossobuco
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Tue 23 May, 2006 05:13 pm
We are all different in our interests, but I'm all for people developing their interests besides work, with the exception of people who do such fascinating work that they're fully involved in it, but even then, I think they should at least go for walks or play tennis, etc. - if not all the time, at least some times. People like myself get interested in whole subjects for no damn reason really. No monetary benefits, just curiosity. I've been crazed about Italy for almost twenty years now, and have read hundreds of books on it, though I've only been back twice since my first visit. That place fascinates me with layers and layers of history, art, architecture, food, music, gardens, ceramics, and a culture different from my own background (U.S. american of irish catholic descent). Some get interested in, say, hiking, and, oh, then perhaps native plants or geology, or both...
Some interesting classes are sometimes offered at a local junior college (the two year type of college), where one doesn't have to enroll in a whole program. Sometimes even the local high school - I took an art class once in the evening at a local high school, and dozens more at a local university extension program. I still have friends from some of those classes, though I didn't sign up for that reason...
Anyway, I think it's good to broaden interests that way, if you are so inclined, and good for both partners to develop their interests - which naturally won't be all the same thing - and then to share experiences later by talking about them. You don't have to "become" the other person, equally fascinated, just be open to their development.
On the timing of all this, I took seven courses in italian at a local university program (extension program, again), never getting all that good in italian, but I loved every minute of it. Those were every Saturday morning, that is, once a week. Some classes meet more often, but a lot are just once a week.
Another possibilty is some sort of camera club..
Well, you get the idea.
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sozobe
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Tue 23 May, 2006 05:37 pm
Irishhusband, again, I think it doesn't have to be one or the other necessarily. I think the feelings you're having are reasonable, and that just now you're a bit insecure -- I wouldn't say pathetically so.
I definitely think that in general you're in that empty brain groove that is not a good groove to be in -- too much of your brain is taken up with thoughts about your wife and your relationship. It's not that you can't think of that stuff, obviously, but if there isn't enough other stuff going on, things take on more importance than they need to, strictly speaking, and that causes its own problems.
Have you had a chance to research Irish clubs in your area?
Just having some instant social contact, something else in my brain. I also did a lot of volunteering -- if you don't work, or if you have a job where you don't have much social contact or you don't like the people you work with, I'd recommend that. Volunteering is a great way to get to know people and to get your brain busy.
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