Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 02:50 am
i've got that sign hanhing on my wall Tommy, a little different version tho lol
0 Replies
Merry Andrew
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 07:15 am
Have you been taking IQ suppresants again?
0 Replies
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 07:58 am
If it wasn't for pickpockets, he wouldn't have any sex life at all.

0 Replies
Merry Andrew
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 08:05 am
Don't mind Debacle. He came from a poor family. They were so poor that if he hadn't been born a boy he would have had nothing to play with.
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 10:30 am
Yo mama so fat, they have to paint a stripe around her, so they can tell if she's walking or rolling.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped yo grandmama.
0 Replies
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 12:38 pm
If she played Lady Godiva the horse would have got the applause
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 03:19 pm
One more link
A long-time favorite of mine: Your Personalized Shakespeare Insult -- (Every time a new insult!)
Very Happy
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Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2002 02:14 pm
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

As Jack steps out of the shower he says, "It's too hot to wear clothes today. What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor.

He said - Two inches more and I would be king. She said - Two inches less and you'd be queen.

He said - shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

The husband says, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" Wife: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

(Not exactly quotes but I kinda liked them).
0 Replies
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2002 03:08 pm
Your momma's so fat, every time I yell "Kool Aid" she comes crashing through my wall.
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Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2002 03:12 pm
Callista Flockhart's Mammy always told that her eyes were bigger than her belly.
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Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2002 03:16 pm
She's so skinny, she swallowed an olive and four bachelors left town.

They call her Miss Lincoln, 'cause everybody wants to take a shot at her in the balcony.
0 Replies
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 03:15 pm
"Poor Mexico - So far from God - so close to the United States"

Porfirio Diaz
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Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 03:25 pm
"She would climb a tree to tell a lie when the truth lay on the ground at her feet."
0 Replies
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 05:32 pm
This is long, but its an absolute howl. I wish I could claim authorship, but the following, arguably the most heroic "Flame" ever posted, was lifted some years back from the UseNet Newsgroup in which it appeared. It capped a thread marked by accusation and recrimination, leaving the participants stunned in silent (or keyboardless) awe.

As to yourself, I have this to say about you:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I wager
you couldn't empty a boot of excrement were the instructions on the heel. You are
a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be
seen with you. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before
attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a
nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to
access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its
beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your
ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own
trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are
grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a
fool, an ignoramus.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of
unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have to us who think and reason? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight
than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for
the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh.
You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral
equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You
are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed
drooling meatslapper.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You
grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish
foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated
You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter.
You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing
beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the
stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so
uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we
know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the
rest of this drivel. Duh.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned
to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for
granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget
that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more
difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never
read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the
emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on

You're an idiot. A moron of the highest order. You're so stupid it's a wonder and a pity you can
remember to breath. Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were
coated with teflon. Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in
order to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had an original
thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out.
On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest
attainable IQ) you're rating is so far into negative numbers that one
would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a
distant glimpse of it. Your personality is that of a rabid Chihuahua intent on
destroying its own tail. Your powers of observation are akin to those of the
bird which keeps slamming into the picture window trying to get that other
bird it keeps seeing. You are walking, talking proof that you don't have
to be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking of you when he
uttered his immortal phrase regarding the birth of a sucker. You are, at varying
times, tedious, boring, and even occaissionally earth shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy,
routinely childish, moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.
You are wholly without any redeeming social grace or value. If God ever
decides to give the planet an enema you'd better run like the wind because
anywhere you stand is a suitable place for The Insertion. There is no
animal so disgusting, so vile that it deserves comparison to you, for even the
lowest, dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom fills an
ecological niche. You fill no niche. To call you a parasite would be
injurious and defamatory to the thousands of honest parasitic species.
You are worse than vermin, for vermin do not pretend to be what it is not.
You are truly human garbage. You are a fraudulent, lying, predatory
charlatan. You are of less worth than a burnt-out light bulb. You will
forever live in shame. You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not
apply when writing about you.
You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and
unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear. You are an
aberration, a corruption, a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison
in need of being vomited. You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole
body. You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed
down a toilet. I don't like you. I don't like anybody who has as little
respect for others as you do. Go away, you swine.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a curdled staggering mutant dwarf
smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into this world. Meaningful to no one, abandoned by the puke-drooling,
giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of
what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species
as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I wretch at the very thought
of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are
vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this
earth. And did I mention you smell? Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep
won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for
attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are a waste of
flesh.On a good day you're a halfwit. You are deficient in all that lends
character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy.
You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness.
You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how
incredibly stupid you are.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life,
after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will
have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us
"normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of
mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a
handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social
struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic,
insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive,
double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic,
fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased,
suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy,
weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic,
jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing,
arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-retarded.
Shut up and go away lest you achieve the physical retribution your behavior merits.
Thank you for your kind attention to and expected cooperation in this matter.

Mr Stillwater
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 07:52 pm
Groucho in full flight...

Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure.

I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor. Which is probably more than she ever did.

Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight?

I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing stones at the stork.
0 Replies
Merry Andrew
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 09:59 pm
Timber -- that is priceless!
0 Replies
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 10:06 pm
He exaggerates so much that if someone drops an olive coming into town, it turns into a truckload of watermelons by the time he leaves.
0 Replies
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 10:50 pm
MA, the newsgroup this appeared in discussed philosophy and politics as normal fare, and frequently broke into flame wars. That wail of anguish and discontent, a massive volley, was triggered by the incessant, semi-literate, crackpot rantings of some way-over-his-head rabblerousing troll, and met with no effective counterfire. I believe the author of that post was accorded victory by unanimous decision of all involved.

0 Replies
Mr Stillwater
Reply Thu 26 Dec, 2002 11:08 pm
With his womanly voice, stark white skin and Medusa hair, his gash of red lipstick, heavy eyeliner, almost non-existent nose and lopsided face, Jackson was making this appearance in order to scotch all rumours that he is not quite normal. --- Craig Brown in the Sunday Times on the 1993 interview of Michael Jackson by Oprah Winfrey.
0 Replies
Reply Fri 27 Dec, 2002 12:50 am
Great one timber! Pretty hard to beat!
0 Replies

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