Help Needed-Very Tensed Plz help

kjyoti26, I just want to get in quickly so that I can be towards the front of the queue, to tell you that you should do your own thing, and strike out on your own.

I won't go into too much detail, as I can hear a thundering of American women on the way, who will give you all the support and finer detail that you need.

If you hear a stampeding noise, duck your head for a minute or so.


<distant rumbling heard through left hand speaker>

That is the logical choice.

And by the way, kjyoti26, Lord Ellpus and myself are the resident experts regarding marital problems such as yours.

Heed us.

I gotta agree with Gus, option #3 seems best.

You left your home to move to Canada for him; now he wants to uproot you again and it sounds like he is not considering what you want.

You need to take care of yourself if he's too selfish to take your needs into account, and you should not have to move and change your whole life AGAIN just because he wants to.

Hello, kjyoti26, welcome to A2K.

What is your legal status for remaining in Canada? We have a few Canadian folks here who might be able to give you some direction on determining whether you can stay, or must leave, if your husband leaves.

Of the three choices you presented for yourself, I would probably lean toward #3. Your husband has decided to devote himself to his religion and wants to return to India to do so. Assuming you can stay in Canada legally, then you don't have to go back with him. But, if your family is there and you remain in Canada, will you have friends and/or other support?

If you go back with him and are unhappy, what options are there for you in India? You're family is there for you, but what would their response be if you decided your marriage wasn't working?

Has your husband presented you with a timeline for when he plans on returning to India?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but more information would be helpful before giving you specific advice. It will be difficult to remain alone in Canada, but if you don't want to return to India, and you have a good support circle in Canada, then I would lean in that direction.

There's another option that perhaps isn't being considered, which is to return to India but to do so on your own terms.

I know, I know, there are things that go on, faith-wise and culture-wise, and perhaps you need to defer to him in some decisions, but it looks like you've already done a lot of deferring, you've already uprooted yourself once and moved to the other side of the planet and now he's asking you to do that again, albeit at least back to a familiar setting among family and friends.

Being with a support system (hopefully) means that people will support you if you are less than subservient in dealing with your husband's rather unilateral decision to live his life in religious service and devotion. But I know that sometimes the opposite happens, that a Hindi wife can sometimes be pressured by her or her husband's family -- or both -- to hang in there and keep on trying even when that might not be in anyone's best interests.

I'd love for sakhi to weigh in on this.

Hey there. (Hi, J_B, Jespah. Thanks, J_B, for the PM)

kjyoti26, from what I read, i gather that your husband is simply using religion as an escape route from his current sorry financial state. Try and see if you can talk him out of his decision (i'm sure, you have already..). So, assuming that his decision is final - you say you don't want to return to India.
(Do you like it better in Canada? Do you have friends who will help and stand by you?)

Tough situation...i have more questions than advice ...

1 As J_B asked, what's your legal status in canada?

2 If you were to go back to India, can you live with your parents? Will they support you in your decision? If you were to go back, will you be able to find another job?

3 Are you a satsangi too? Do you believe enough to live a totally "satsangi" life? Can you live with a husband committed to religion?

Good luck. Hope you will respond to us.

Hi, KJyoti,

Hope you are reading along, and that you will check in again here.

Just wanted to add my two cents ...

1) Have you talked to your husband about this change (focus on religion) that has happened in the last 9 months? Is it possible that he is depressed? You mentioned that you don't have any family in Canada. Does he have any family there? Do you both have friends? I'm asking because often new immigrants have a hard time making the new country a home, and depression is a common ailment in this group. Two years is not a long time at all, it can a lot longer to find your comfort zone in a new country. It's hard enough trying to make a life in a new country, and it's still harder to do it without a support system (family, friends) in place.

2) It's important, as others have pointed out, to know your visa status in case you decide to go with Option # 3 (you joining your husband later in India). Can you write in some more about that?

3) You said that life in India would be hell for you. Can you talk some more about that? Is there a particular situation/problem that will make your living in India hard?

4) Is there a family member or a friend that your husband (and you) trusts and can talk to? Can you talk to them - have them talk to your husband? Maybe they can get some in-depth answers from him, find out his reasons & motivations.

I don't know much about Satsangis - the only family I knew was that of my landlord's in Delhi a long time ago. They were affluent, working class, had children. They didn't allow eggs/non-veg stuff in the house, and that was the only obvious way I knew that they were Satsangis. I'm bringing this up because it seemed from your post that your husband would be, sort of, renouncing the material world (apologies if I'm wrong). He might be able to balance work (finances) and religion after all, and life may not be that hard.