4 yrs marriage and still deep in love.All done I need advice

Divorce, no warning-no talk-no chance.
To not talk about it or warn you sucks big time.

How did you find out, did she actually tell you?

It sounds like you are missing one very important part of marriage................communication.



What is THIS all about? Apparently your wife is extremely angry about something. Why have you not addressed this problem when it first arose?

If you really love your wife, you need to sit down together and talk. Find out why she is considering divorce, tell her how you feel about her, and see if you can work things out. Marriage coundelling might just open the lines of communication between the two of you.



What is this "financial situation"? Is it the normal lack of money that befalls many couples starting out, or is there something more?



How long has this lack of sex and affection been going on? What was the catalyst that began the estrangement of the two of you? It looks like you had many signs in the past that your marriage was in trouble, but for whatever reason, you chose not to deal with the problem, until the situation became critical.

She is your wife, and the mother of your children. You say that you love her. It important that you show her that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to save the marriage. Good luck!

I'm assuming that your first notice was being served with divorce papers. While that may not be entirely true, that's the impression I get from your post.
That's really unfortunate and, as has been stated above, it shows a huge lack of communication. There is/was something that she just could not talk to you about and, instead of attempting to work it out, she has filed.

Given the mood swings and the nastiness she has said about you (Yes, it's nastiness. You did not characterize it as such, but referring to you as stupid or implying such is perhaps name-calling or even verbal abuse. At minimum this is not kind and loving behavior), it sounds to me like she and you would benefit from counseling. Has anyone tried it? Maybe she has become manic-depressive. It would be a pity if your marriage was ended because of a solvable organic problem.

Now, about your children. They need you right now, more than ever. Might I suggest you contact an attorney and get your legal rights protected, as soon as possible? A divorce out of the blue is not good for your children, either, and you should claim for custody, see what happens. Even if you want your wife to have custody (yes, you have to think about these things right now, even if you don't want to), you need to get a lawyer to speak up for you now about your interest in your children and their welfare. If your wife has an untreated mental illness (I'm no doctor, I could be wrong), then your children really need to be in your care and not hers.

I'm sorry to bring up unpleasant things but unfortunately they have been thrust upon you. Best of luck to you.

Here I go
Thanks for replying,
I will try to answer.
First of all,
She has not said anything nasty or so to me.
She is not ill or so. Just unhappy with our marriage.
I would/could not take our two boys from her.I would not even consider it except if she would ask me to take them.
We are not fighting about anything like that.
Yes I saw the signs before I found out that she is going to file for divorce.
I asked for weeks.But the answer was alwas NO.
The financial situation is not severe.It is just an fact that we have spent too much money too fast and now we have to work for it and pay it.Thats life but it is bugging both of us.We want to free money for whatever.
So I will work 2 jobs if I get another one (I have 2 interviews up)I will help to ease the anoying part of having debt. We created it together and we will solve it together.
Yes I knew there was something severely wrong.
I did not know what my asking would cause.
I felt the growing distance, I missed the part of talking about it.
I missed telling her that I miss a hug, miss a kiss other than before leaving for work,miss having a sexlife.
I missed telling her that without walking on eggshells trying not to upset her. MY FAULT!
Right now we try to figure out how we can restore what has been broken.
I called counselors today so I will see one by myself or with her.
We are trying to work it out.
We had a pastor out here last week and yes as everyone else he told us about the giant lack of communication.
So that seems to be the key.
I have to change myself and break out of my shell.
I will have to learn to communicate.
I do not know where to start but I will find a way.
My family means too much to give it up.

Re: Here I go

No, it's not. Necessarily.

The kind of person that has extreme moodswings and makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells can also easily impart the feeling on you that whatever is going wrong, is your fault, and that you can do no right. Going along with that feeling, internalising it, wont help, and can harm you.

Good on you for getting counselling, and for deciding you're getting it for yourself even if she doesnt join you. Very important. He/she can help you getting your thoughts in order and perhaps help you recognize some of the awry dynamics in your relationship.

To actually solve those dynamics, you and your wife would have to work together, but even if you get counselling just for yourself it'll help you get a grip on the situation, cause you really seem lost now (and I'm really feeling for you). And all that when you're stranded in a foreign country as well - awful.

As for Phoenix saying, "you chose not to deal with the problem", I dont think thats fair. If she had a problem she should also have spoken up about it - its not your responsibility to fathom out what could possibly be wrong, in a relationship you both have a responsibility for speaking up for yourself too. Besides, if you asked and asked again and she kept saying "no", I mean - thats just not fair, to say "no" (no there is no problem? no I dont want to talk about it? no I'm not going to divorce you?) all the time and then suddenly wham you with the big one.

Then again, life's not fair, and if you truly want to go on with her you'll have to find ways to deal with her not speaking up fairly when she's bugged. You'll definitely need to talk (with her, with your counsellor) about how comes she didnt feel like she could speak up earlier, couldnt talk freely about it. The reasons why could have to do with you or the dynamics of your relationship (are you very closed? overly sensitive? are both of you always busy? are you always at work?) - but they could also have little to do with you (has she always found it hard to talk about personal stuff? does she feel she has no right to talk about what bothers her? does she stew when she's angry, or tend to blame everything that goes wrong on the other?).

(Those Q's are not for answering here, btw, just lines of thought ... ;-))

Re: Here I go


Hi. I'm sorry you are in this spot. I'll leave it to the others who are very good at this sort of thing, and have solid marriages under their belts.

I only wanted to highlight what you wrote about your boys. I think jespah had a good point about talking with a lawyer and being prepared for the worse. And..and horrible as it may seem to think about...please remember that your children need you as badly as they need their mother. It would awful if something unforeseen happened and you got squeezed out of their lives.
You need to think of your children as well as yourself; as hard as that is with what you are going through.

Good luck with the council and in finding a way to make this work. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm still thinking - there could be so many different things the matter ... problems in your relationship, ways you might truly have failed to be there for her, mental problems of her own, even something physical (your youngest kid is nine months, perhaps postnatal depression?). Very much a pity that she didn't speak up at all in order to solve things, and now wants to give up altogether, presenting you with a fait accompli. A divorce when you have two young kids...oy.

Perhaps she's also just helpless/desperate, and went for the emergency brake because she couldnt fathom a solution? Whereas with outside help and now that the problem is belatedly out in the open, you might still find one ... Or perhaps she might just have wanted to shock you into recognizing there was a problem?

When did she start "alienating" from you? Before the kids already? Did the two of you spend much of a happy time together before things started going awry? Did you know each other a long time before you went there? With you coming there as immigrant, and then within 2 years a kid, and another one, and financial problems, it does sound like it's been a stressful time non-stop, plenty of possible reasons for a meltdown ...

Problem is, the same point also raises the possibility ... well, if you didnt spend much in-love time before the kids came, time to slowly get used to and grow fond of each other - it might be that she just simply feels she made a mistake. We all make mistakes getting together with someone who turns out to not be what we want, after all, and end up leaving after a year or two again - but with you having immigrated for her, and then two babies entering the picture, the stakes shot up toweringly high, and that might not have seemed like an option to her anymore, or even have stopped her from talking about her doubts. Then, once she realised she's gonna be trapped in a marriage with someone that wasnt really right for her anyway for the rest of her life, it makes sense that she would just bolt like this. Sorry - that is the most depressing scenario I can think of - it's just one of the possibilities of what might be the matter.

I hope its something more solvable though; it sounds like there could be many reasons for the current meltdown, things that would have her panicking - many of which possibly solvable too, if you can get to talk about it and get help on it ... It's hard to assess as outsiders whether it's already too late. We're crossing our fingers for you, anyhow.

Thanks
well you have many points I put in my pocket to sort through.
Yes we spend a lot of Happy times before the kids! I would think we did.
Both kids are made because we wanted them , we feare ready.
And we wanted them to be as close together as possible.
We did not consider the affort it will take to keep them happy and healthy and teache them how life goes and keep our relationship in the"Happy Mode"
Maybe we did not spend enough time with ourselfs before having kids.
But while still just beeing unmarried we allready talked about them.
It is hard to judge what caused the meltdown.
I knew it was coming and asked for a hint.
Now I have to work on how to fix it.
How to bring the"Happy Mode" back into the game of life.
How to ease her stress and how to teach myself to be NOT just a good dad but also to be a supportive husband.
Maybe I have not been that.
So lots of things changed in 10 days and even more will have to change in who nos how long from now.
I just apriciate having the opportunity to share thoughts and problems with people like you through a forum.
There is so much input I need and look for.
And I will keep looking for more.


Thanks

nimh- In my years on this earth, one of the things that I have discovered is ultimately, each person is responsible for him/herself. Yeah, maybe the wife would have been wise to have said something when things where beginning to go awry, but the reality is that she didn't. The fact remains that svenr sensed something, but chose not to discuss it, until it became a serious problem.

This is not a matter of fault. svenr wants to save his marriage. We have not heard from his wife, and don't have the foggiest idea of what is the deep down reason that she wants a divorce. We could speculate until the cows come home...............postpartum depression, "buyer's remorse",
another man, or whatever, but that is not the most important thing.

To me, the most vital element is that svenr and his wife start talking, about what each of them wants, and if they can achieve a happy life together. And communication is the only way to start the process. Even if the marriage does not work out, svenr will need to be able to communicate productively with the mother of his children for many years.



Svenr- I am glad that you are going to counselling, whether your wife goes or not. I think that you have made a difficult, but important step. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

i don't know a asubject
Here I have a pro and contra out of my sight.
It is not complete but at this point I have the urge to tell whoever what I have at THIS moment.
I am loosing ground at this point so I really really need some input.
I will have a counseling next wednedsday and I am looking forward to it wether it helps or not.

What I love about my wife from A- Z

• Her attitude towards our two sons
• Her love to animals and nature
• Her smile,her houmor,her heart,her kindness towards other people,her
• Her eyes
• Her mouth
• Her scent(it drives me crazy)
• Her body
• How hard she works for our finances
• Her romantic part if she shows it from time to time even not admitting it
• The way she can shut off everything- just turn the world on "mute"
• Pretty much everything than can occur in a day of life
JUST HER !

What I do not like

• Her way to say shut up and leave me alone for a day or two
• Her way she acts if she is tired -I can't help it -Go to bed earlier! Maybe with with me!
• The swings from am minute to another
• Her drive for baby clothes that don't even get put away. We sell them with the price tag on!
• Me First!


Why to fight for my marriage?
• I love her too much
• It is worth any effort
• My wife,kids and marriage means everything and the only thing worth fighting for in my life.
• For them little guys
• I will dive if I can't
• It is worth because we share the same idea of a future and we are working on it
• We can work it out
• We- at least I hope she was too- used to be happy and whatever came in between us can be solved and fixed. If it is not a new man in her life

Why to let her go
• I love her too much
• To see her happy again
• If she needs,dates or loves another man if will benefit her from here on out I will not take love away from her
• Maybe I am not good for her
• So she can have more money buy doubling her income
• To give her more material freedom than I can provide
• To give her her sexlife back
• To save my kids future

I know that you are going through a highly emotionally charged time in your life. It is not easy for you. You need to know though, that it is YOUR life that is the bottom line.

It would be wonderful if you could work on your marriage together with your wife, and straighten things out between you. I sincerely hope that this would be the outcome of your efforts. But, whether the marriage works out or not, you have your children, and your own life ahead of you.

A person who is in the midst of such emotional turmoil, often believes that their life is over if things don't work out as they have planned. In an ideal world, a happy ending would happen. The thing is, that people do go through divorces, learn from them, and go on to have gratifying, satisfying lives.

I think that you are wise to do your best to save your marriage. But no matter what happens, you are a young person, and have a lot of happy years ahead of you. Fight for your marriage, but if it does not work out, it is not the end of the world for you.