Overprotective mom?

That's fabulous! Good for you, I know it's hard. It's a really difficult line to locate because obviously you want to protect when protection is needed. I certainly spend a lot of my time "close enough" -- being ready to interfere, but watching and waiting. I'd say only 2% of the time is my interference actually necessary.

That combination -- staying back and showing your kid that you trust him or her to get through the situation on his or her own, but also being there in case it really does get serious -- is reassuring and helps build confidence and judgment on your child's part.

But it wont hurt imparting a "dont let 'em mess with you" attitude to him..
Eg, when you do have to intervene, let him know how he can deal with such a situation himself next time, probably.

I think my mom raised me, not with a "dont let 'em mess with you" mentality, but with a "be a good person" mentality. Which is fine and fair and nice, but boy did I land into trouble in primary school. Bullying is an evil thing.

The trouble starts right at the beginning too, because once you're identified as victim, the process is very hard to reverse - the initial bullying will make the kid more insecure, which'll attract more bullying, et cetera. Its just different for boys. They face a tougher deal than girls - "cuteness" never offers an out for looking vulnerable, if you look insecure you're done. (I dont really know where your kid stands on this - you said he reacts rather passively but I dont know whether he's insecure or emotionally troubled or the like).

Preventing all that is a tough dilemma though, I imagine, because you dont want to put any obstacles in the way of a kid's more dreamy or kind-hearted or trusting sides, that would be a shame too, no reason to instill cynicism in a little kid. And there's an open-hearted kind of natural kindness that's not the same as insecurity. But yeah, I sure could've done with a dad who'd have told me, f*ck that, give 'em hell! - and in combination, sent me to a karate class yeah - and that would have had to have started at age, say, 5, 6...

Re: the first situation (the girl), I agree, but with this latest situation, lovemyfamily was indicating that they both (her kid, and his friend) were having a lot of fun. She can maybe follow-up to be sure, but if they're truly both having fun, a "don't let them mess with you" message would be out of place, I think.

I do agree with the general idea that there needs to be some toughness and some boundaries along with niceness. What I learned (and I know it's different for girls) is that "be a good person" was my default mode, but if something was unacceptable, it was unacceptable, and I wasn't gonna take it. Not sure where I got it, exactly -- school was a lot of it, I think, and also the considerable time I spent unsupervised with kids in the neighborhood.

Girls do deal with bullies too by the way, and actual physical threat-type girls, not just the emotional manipulative stuff. I never got in a physical altercation but came very close many times, and got out of it not with girl-type manipulation but by being physically imposing and mean-looking and "you SO don't want to mess with me..."

...and being READY to follow through with opening up a can of whoop-ass, which I'm sure was obvious.

Girls can be physically brutal. The ugliest, most damaging fights I've ever seen were between girls. I'm talking missing teeth and deep gashes.

Yep. Girls don't pull punches. They go for the jugular. Sometimes literally.

I still remember in either 5th or 6th grade punching a boy in the head. I was teasing his girlfriend and he decided to defend her honor. He walked up to me (as a couple of teenagers watched on ready to jump in - imagine a big sized boy ready to hit a little petite girl). As he got closer ready to hit me - I grabbed his head, pulled it down by his neck so I could reach it and punched his head with all my little might. He got up shook his head and walked away - as his girlfriend screamed and asked if he was alright.

As I walked the rest of the way home - I took a lot behind me - one of the teenagers was walking a bit behind and each time I took a glance she would smile and clap her hands. I felt ten feet tall. Don't mess with a girl that has 3 brothers - she can certainly take care of herself.

nimh.. I tell my son (many will not agree with this approach, my husband does not) to hit back if he has been hit or shout to draw attention. Now, he does hit back once in a while, but his occasional hitting back is not doing enough. He still gets bullied. sometimes my teaching back fires also. He hits back when the other kid has not intentionally hurt him. How do you teach a kid when the hit was intentional and when it was not?

He is pretty intelligent for his age. Picks up puzzles, blocks, numbers, alphabets, song tunes and lyrics. Good in sports also. But you cannot have a normal conversation with him. He lives in a world full of imagination.. elephants, lions, monkeys and if I ask him how was your day at school.. boy I get to know about the zoo. This might also be a contributing factor towards his getting bullied. He does not display a mental maturity appropriate for his age. This character attribute will be difficult to change though!!

Thanks Sozobe. It is indeed difficult to stop myself but I am getting better. Yeah... good for me

stop analysing your family, love and enjoy your children. Support your children and your husband where you see fit. Let things progress where you see fit. accept that others (your husband included) will have different views and try these out if they seem to make sense.

I have 2 almost grown children.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

If you analyse all of your actions you will end up confusing your children.

Just go with the flow and accept that sometimes (lots) you will make the wrong move.

From what you have posted here I see your son as intelligent and perfectly normal. Who said he does not display a mental maturity appropriate for his age. Imagination is a wonderfull wonderfull thing to have and encorage. I bet you say stuff like "thats wonderfull darling of course its just pretend isnt it."
All children develop in different areas at different rates thats what make the whole process so magical. Enjoy NOW it will be gone too soon.

Like I said before a baby brother/sister and extended periods in the company of other children will sort him out but let him work it out. Ask his teachers to alert you to any problems, and accept their opinions. They have seen hundereds of children and will know who is not reacting in an appropriate manner in their class.

My approach (also controversial) is that my kids are allowed to hit if someone is hurting them and won't stop. If someone hits them once and then stops, they are not to retaliate, but must use words (preferably loud enough for an adult to hear) to express that they do no like being hit and for that person not to do it again. That way, the person has a chance to say if it was an accident and apologize. Hitting is only allowed to stop someone from hurting them and not in retaliation. I don't know if that will work for your son, but so far it has worked for my kids.

dadpad, I know what you mean by saying imagination is wonderful. I like his power of imagination. Some of it has been fostered by me. Most of the stories we prefer to read together are stories of animals. So his world is built around those animals. But I have this feeling (I may not have thought about this if he did not get into being bullied) that this might be one of the reasons why he is a target and I want to help him stay away from trouble. Hence this over-analyzation. But again, this is a character trait and I don't want to force him out of his world. It should be a decision he makes for himself.

He spends a lot of his time in the company of other kids- almost 8-9 hours a day ( he goes to school in the morning and is in the daycare from afternoon till 5). You mentioned another brother/sister would sort him out. Would you throw some light on this. How do you think that will help?

Freeduck, nice strategy, thanks . Let me see how well I can use it.