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Tue 2 May, 2006 02:22 pm
Ok, for all those out there who have helped me out with my issues with my husband but don't think I listen to any of you, I will show you just how much I actually do listen by attaching an email I wrote to him about how I felt our relationship was getting out of control. I decided to write him an email not because I didn't want to see him in person, but because I feel I can structure what I am trying to say better than if I were saying it aloud. I wrote this email to him a few days ago reguarding our huge fight over him wanting me to do activities with him. I have also had a huge talk with him about how he has been treating me based on my conversations with the people here on this forum. Since the talk and this email, things have gotten much better (minus the sheet incodent). The reason I felt the need to write this email was because for some reason he felt that if I wasn't taking my body to the extreme then I must be some kind of fat lazy slob who does nothing all day and it was really affecting our marriage.
Dear Mark, (Yes...his name is Mark. I was tired of typing "my husband")
Here are my two cents about our little discussion the other day at lunch. The obvious nature of the conversation sprung from you wanting me to take an active part in the activities you love to do. I think couples should at least make an effort to engage themselves in each others interests. However, taking an interest in each others outside activities does not mean that person is expected to exert themselves to the maximum level. When you laid out on the table the activities in which you like to do, such as hiking, mountain biking, backpacking, and kayaking, I expressed an immediate interest in learning more about these activities. Most would say that your objective would have been complete. Your goal was to get me interested in getting into the things that you like to do, and I was. The problem occurred when you started to expect more from me than I was able to give. I agreed to all of the activities in which you wanted me to participate but you were unwilling to accept how I would need to get involved. As the saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." What angered me most about you unwillingness to compromise was the simple fact that you were asking a lot from me. For example, if I were to turn the situation around, it would be like me asking you to come along on a horseback riding session and then starting you off in the jumping arena. I didn't learn to play roller hockey by going to the gym. It took me weeks just to learn how to stay up. It took me months to learn how to stop. It took me two tries to get ice skating down. And it took me all summer to learn to stay on a horse in canter. It took me about three times before I was finally comfortable to go on a black diamond when snowboarding. It took me just once to learn how to drive an ATV. The only "training" I really need is to get out there and do it. I am not out there trying to win a marathon. By actually doing the activity my body automatically works the parts of the body that needs to be strong in order to accomplish my goals.
The difference between us is that you like to give everything your all. You love to take everything to the maximum until you just can't move anymore. That's what really excites you about doing these activities. I am the complete opposite. I love to take things slow and cautious. I am all about doing something just for fun, not for competition or to show how much endurance I have over the other. I like things like light hiking, swimming, beach cruising, roller blades, boogy boarding, and riding horses. If you want me to become an active part of your outdoor life then you can't expect me to prepare myself for a three or more day backpacking trip or all day long mountain biking and kayaking trips on my first try. I am perfectly willing to be a part of that life if you are willing to be patient with me as I take my time learning how to do these things on my own. Rome wasn't built in a day. If you try to rush me into an activity or have high expectations of me then I won't enjoy myself and that activity will officially be scratched off my list. These character traits are traits I have had my whole life and you won't change me. This is how I work and you knew that before you married me. If after all that I have said you still won't accept the fact that we learn in different ways, then I suggest you find someone else like Jeff or Lucas (friends of ours) to share your outdoor interests with. It is perfectly natural for a couple to have completely separate interests that the other does not wish to be a part of and be able to do those things without their partner and still be satisfied.
As per the other part of the conversation (this is the part where he told me that if I am not working out to the extreme to him that makes me fat and lazy); I think you need to spend a little less time commenting on how I look physically and more time concentrating on how to be more sexually satisfying.
Hurts
doesn't it.
ME
The long conversation I had with him had to do with him taking all of his frustrations on his lack of self control in bed out on me. I told him it's not fair to me if he expects me to be suportive of him while he is going through these hard times and then punish me for doing so. I told him that most any other woman wouldn't stand for being treated so wrongfully and would have left him and his problems to himself. I also told him I understand what he is going through but if he expects me to stick around his whole outlook needs to change. He needs to understand that I am there to help and be support for him and he should be thankful for that.
I think that I really made an impact on the way he was feeling towards me. He has really tried to make an effort to change himself or at least his ways because niether of us truly want this marriage to end if there is still hope out there for us.
All I can say is I hope it works out for you in the best way possible. Let us know how it goes.
Re: This is for you
kitkat_bar wrote:
As per the other part of the conversation(this is the part where he told me that if I am not working out to the extreme to him that makes me fat and lazy); I think you need to spend a little less time commenting on how I look physically and more time concentrating on how to be more sexually satisfying.
Hurts
doesn't it.
ME
This is very immature.
Taking a jab back at him doesn't make you any better than he is.
While I wholeheartedly agree you needed to let him know what hurt you, if you love the man, you shouldn't feel the need to hurt him back.
Re: This is for you
Bella Dea wrote:kitkat_bar wrote:
As per the other part of the conversation(this is the part where he told me that if I am not working out to the extreme to him that makes me fat and lazy); I think you need to spend a little less time commenting on how I look physically and more time concentrating on how to be more sexually satisfying.
Hurts
doesn't it.
ME
This is very immature.
Taking a jab back at him doesn't make you any better than he is.
While I wholeheartedly agree you needed to let him know what hurt you, if you love the man, you shouldn't feel the need to hurt him back.
That struck me more as a "tough love" kind of statement, a little verbal shock therapy to show him how his remarks feel to her by turning them back on him for one instance. One tit for, judging by her other posts, quite a bit of tat. I can see how it could be read as a cheap shot, but I don't get the impression that it was her intent to do that.
Good luck, kitkat.
In addition to what Bella Dea stated, let me note the following:
Frankly, I feel a little dirty, getting such an intimate look into the private lives of you two. Does hubby know that you're airing his linens in public? I'd hate for my fiancee to start posting all the sordid details of our day to day relationship. Some things between a couple should be sacrosanct.
blacksmithn wrote:In addition to what Bella Dea stated, let me note the following:
Frankly, I feel a little dirty, getting such an intimate look into the private lives of you two. Does hubby know that you're airing his linens in public? I'd hate for my fiancee to start posting all the sordid details of our day to day relationship. Some things between a couple should be sacrosanct.
yes, cyphercat won't marry you if you start kissing and telling.
really though, comments about sexual performance to others is hitting way below the belt....as is saying negative things in a hurtful way about sexual performance directly to you partner.
Anything intimate must be handled very delicately, and in a loving, productive way.
Although, I must say I would be a stranger to having to approach MY man with any suggestions, since none are needed.
Ahh baby, you know cypher don't mean a thing to me! Why you wanna treat me like that?
Re: This is for you
tin_sword_arthur wrote:Bella Dea wrote:kitkat_bar wrote:
As per the other part of the conversation(this is the part where he told me that if I am not working out to the extreme to him that makes me fat and lazy); I think you need to spend a little less time commenting on how I look physically and more time concentrating on how to be more sexually satisfying.
Hurts
doesn't it.
ME
This is very immature.
Taking a jab back at him doesn't make you any better than he is.
While I wholeheartedly agree you needed to let him know what hurt you, if you love the man, you shouldn't feel the need to hurt him back.
That struck me more as a "tough love" kind of statement, a little verbal shock therapy to show him how his remarks feel to her by turning them back on him for one instance. One tit for, judging by her other posts, quite a bit of tat. I can see how it could be read as a cheap shot, but I don't get the impression that it was her intent to do that.
Good luck, kitkat.
Thank you...that was exactly my intention. Some people learn differently and for my husband, he is one of those people who don't see the whole picture until its laid out for them. He doesn't understand that saying those things to me hurts my feelings so I gave him a small taste of his own medicine and he hasn't said anything about it since.
I hope you can see where the others are coming from, too, though. I mean, "airing your linens" as blacksmithn put it, and things do seem to be going round and round. You may be taking steps, and I hope things are getting better and/or have gotten better, but it has been going for so long now that people are starting to get discouraged. Or are getting the impression that you are dragging it out for the sympathy. You seem to need and want the help, and this is one place to get it, but maybe you should look into some professional help if things keep up.
I hope I'm not stepping out of line by saying this. I'm just trying to offer what help I can. I do wish you all the best.
tin_sword_arthur wrote:I hope you can see where the others are coming from, too, though. I mean, "airing your linens" as blacksmithn put it, and things do seem to be going round and round. You may be taking steps, and I hope things are getting better and/or have gotten better, but it has been going for so long now that people are starting to get discouraged. Or are getting the impression that you are dragging it out for the sympathy. You seem to need and want the help, and this is one place to get it, but maybe you should look into some professional help if things keep up.
I hope I'm not stepping out of line by saying this. I'm just trying to offer what help I can. I do wish you all the best.
Yes, I truly am and I really do see what others are saying. They are the ones that helped me here to begin with. If I sound like I am fighting anyones honest advice, it isn't that I don't want to hear what they have to say, it's that I think they have a little bit of a different view of how my relationship with my husband really is. For example, I told someone my husband and I got in a fight after we had been drinking one time and there were 12 pages after that post telling me how much of an alcoholic I am without even knowing me. I hate alcohol. It just happened one night. I just want to make sure that people don't get the wrong idea about me.
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