He doesn't know what he wants

my first thought is to respect his space.

If he is going through a hard time dealing with someones death, he needs the space to grow from it and if that means he needs space with out you fora while, give it to him.

Stay 'friends."
what does he mean?
Random sex? Phone calls? visits??

see if he can at least say what he is ok with and what he isnt.
Stay with in those parameters and offer what you can.

It may not be ABOUT you at all... and all about the fact that his entire world just shifted beyond his control. And thats pretty scary

I was just thinking the same thing, shewolf.
He needs some time to heal. Losing someone close to you is not an easy thing to overcome. Be there for him, help him through it. He'll decide what he wants when he's able to come to terms with the loss.

Merelymemer--



Is this family death the first major tragedy the two of you have faced together?

When he says that he's not going to change, can you live with his approach to major stressful situations?

The sleeping, sleeping, sleeping sounds like clinical depression. The lost of this family member may have knocked your guy for a loop. Sleep is a way of escaping reality. Snarling is another. How does this guy deal with small stressful situations?

Has he always been the strong, silent, shut-off-communications type? Can you live with this? Some people can, some people can't.

Right now, after a year of good times, he deserves your support. He does not deserve to berate you or ignore you or unilaterally set the terms of your emotional relationship.

He says he's a mess right now. Is he doing anything besides sleep and snarl and insist that you accept half-loaves when it comes to emotional satisfaction?

You have both short term and long term decisions to make.

Hey, I'm no shrink, but this guy sounds seriously depressed. He might benefit from some therapy sessions and a checkup with the doctor wouldn't hurt either.

Is this family death the first major tragedy the two of you have faced together?

When he says that he's not going to change, can you live with his approach to major stressful situations?

The sleeping, sleeping, sleeping sounds like clinical depression. The lost of this family member may have knocked your guy for a loop. Sleep is a way of escaping reality. Snarling is another. How does this guy deal with small stressful situations?

Has he always been the strong, silent, shut-off-communications type? Can you live with this? Some people can, some people can't.

Right now, after a year of good times, he deserves your support. He does not deserve to berate you or ignore you or unilaterally set the terms of your emotional relationship.

He says he's a mess right now. Is he doing anything besides sleep and snarl and insist that you accept half-loaves when it comes to emotional satisfaction?

You have both short term and long term decisions to make.[/quote]












He has never been a big talker, I am ok with that, as long as he was able to show me that he loves me. When he gets mad at me he does have a habit of ignoring, usually it only lasts for a day and things are back to normal. This does not bother me.

What bothers me is that he just decided it would be better for me if we were friends, when asked if he was interested in someone else, or if he was seeing someone else. He told me there was noone else.

I love him and want to be there for him, but I also don't want to waste my time. He could decide that we are better off friends and nothing more. I don't think I can handle that.

He is not letting me help him. I have to intiate all contact right now, and that isn't fair.

He told me that he is going to see a therapist, but he needs to work things out on his own.


This is the first major family death, his friend's mother died a bit back, it was a similar situation but he talked with me about it. The thing is that I attended both of wakes and funerals to help him. Only to be told that I wasn't family and I wouldn't understand. When my cousin passed away he did not attend either the funeral or wake, because he could not deal with the death of a child.


I thought we had a future together......

That's a huge life altering thing that happened in his life. He's thrown back. It's only been a month! That ain't long.

It isn't about you. I feel, that after a year and wanting a future with this man, he deserves your support.

Stand by him. Listen to what he says. Get clear cut expectations and what he can do. Then give him his space to sort it out.

You can't control what happens next. Even he does not know. But...if you are to have a future together, oh my will he ever remember how you act during this time!

Maybe I am lenient, but I think a month of sadness and confusion after a first major death - to a person who is not proficient in dealing with expressing emotions to begin with - is not a lot to handle. It's to be expected.

He's already in therapy? That's good. He wants to get well and figure this out.

Yep, that sounds exactly like depression. Good thing he is getting help for it. Since it's most likely not about you, you have to hang back a bit right now. It may turn out that you reconcile. You might not. But in the meantime, he needs to deal with healing himself. Be available enough that he is not abandoned, but not so available that you lose yourself.

Merelymemer--



Good that he's getting professional help. You may love him with all your heart and soul, but you can't kiss his boo-boos and make it all better by tomorrow.



When it comes to Major Crisis, your guy is not in Life Partnership Mode.

Perhaps therapy will help him understand why he feels the way he does, but right now he seems to think that his trouble and grief are none of your business.

He's also indicated that he won't try to help with your personal grief because "he can't deal with the death of a child".

He's at perfect liberty to decide what he will deal with and how he will deal with it. You are at perfect liberty to decide that you'd rather have a relationship that shares both joy and trouble rather than face a life with your umbrella poking his eye and his umbrella being carried well away from the grief in your heart.

He's being both honest and accurate when he says he doesn't have time for you right now. Now that you know how he deals with crisis and tragedy, you should ask yourself if you can live with this approach for the rest of your life.

When it came to his family death, he announced you couldn't understand and your presence was of no comfort or value.

When your cousin died, he decided, "I can't [don't want to] deal with this and I won't. You were alone because he felt his needs were greater than yours.

Therapy will help him change--providing that he wants to change. Otherwise, what you've experienced is what you'll get: Crisis to be faced alone, without Intimacy.

Some women can handle this sort of relationship. Some women can't.

Thank you everyone.

My family and friends have been telling me to walk away. I'm not too sure yet.

I told him that I was here for him. He told me thank you, and I quote " don't stop your life for me, go out on dates, live you life."

I understand that he is depressed, and doesn't know what he wants. Does that mean every time that I try to reach out to him he has to shut me out and make me feel unimportant?

I can only be rejected for so long.


I guess only time will tell....

Thank you again, sometimes you just need some else's unbiased point of view.

How important did he make you feel before the family death?

Do you feel demoted from "beloved" or shut out from "we used to have good times"?

You are absolutely right to set limits on being made to feel inferior, unimportant, intruding.

Honestly, I am hurt and I feel shut out. Like I don't matter and that my feelings mean nothing.

He use to call me at least once a day, text me several times a day, instant message with me. Even after the death of his uncle. Then last week we chatted and now nothing.

He wants to be friends but he won't tell me how or what that involves. He does not contact me.

Is he just using the let's be friends thing as a way to make things easier for him, is it his way of moving on. Like I love you but only as a friend. These are questions I asked him only to have him say, " I don't know, I am not sure. Possibly"

I don't ask for much, the occassional I love you, some form of affection and an interest in my interests.

He knows I am here if he needs me, he knows that being just friends is hard for me, he claims that there is no one else, and he isn't looking for anyone. He is too messed up.

I can deal with depression, I can deal with breaking up, this is new to me and I am not sure how to deal. I am heartbroken....

You can't read his mind after a year of knowing him well.

Neither can I.

Will he change? Neither of us know.

Depression saps energy. He's being honest about not having the energy to deal with you.

How long do you want to continue being unilaterally giving? Only you know the answer.