How can I be a better listener when Mrs. Cuervo is speaking?

Hi Jose. It's good to see you. I think it's great that you admit this is a problem. My advice is to make sure you are listening to her when she talks. Put down what you are doing and look her in the face when she speaks.

Thanks Swimpy. That's good advice. She wants me to come up with "concrete ways" to insure that I am more attentive. I also thought of taking notes.

My husband does the same thing. I usually make sure I don't tell him something important when he's reading or watching television. Maybe your wife could try some things on her end as well.

Can you give a bit more context, Jose?


Do you mean in normal conversation, or when she is giving you information you need to act on....................?

Good luck to you in your worthy quest, Jose!

Personally, it really offends/upsets me when (important, of course! :wink: ) information I've communicated to someone I care about has somehow failed to register.

(This is my bm. I'll be very interested to see what advice folk here give.)

I'm curious about context, too. E.G. (my husband, the Evil Genius) is very good at remembering a lot of things, but he's terrible about events/ dates. Like, if he's expected to come home at a certain time to watch the kid so I can go to a meeting, saying it once in person ("will you do this?"/ "sure") just doesn't cut it. I have to send him an email with something about it in the header (or else "reminder") so he puts it in his calendar, and if I really want to make sure it happens I send him another reminder about an hour before he's supposed to leave.

This is annoying, but it's the system we've worked out. And he's probably better than I am at remembering things like who came to our wedding... it's the temporal stuff that kills him (he's a professor and used to just dealing with what is in his face until it's done).

Unless she's giving you a shopping list, I wouldn't be taking notes. It's a bit condescending, don't you think?

Hi, Jose: It sounds like you've already decided you're at fault here. Step back and ask yourself if that's true. My life has become wall-to-wall Post-It notes (an age thing, I think) which is now aggravated by the arrival of the most hectic time of the year at my workplace (and my private business.) Factor in springtime, with its obligations and temptations, and there aren't enough hours in the day. Stressed??

Plus, how much of the "burden" are you carrying at home? I know I'm currently doing well over my 50% (75% might be more like it right now) which is all well and good as long as your schedule and lifestyle permits, but when the going gets rough ... you tend to forget things -- sometimes selectively. Any chance you're harboring conscious or subconscious resentments and "forgetting" to even the score for the perceived slights?

Interesting idea.

A few listening tips (most have been touched upon, but I think it helps to put 'em all together):

• Stop anything else you are doing. Do not split focus.
  
• This means turning off anything with sound. No radio. No TV. No CD player. You have to be able to hear the message.
  
• Don't take notes, because that is a bit of split focus. However, you should take one quick note. E. g. if it's a conversation about getting little Jose to school or whatever, try just one note: Take little Jose to school on May 1st. Arrive at 8:30 AM. This can be paper, iPod, computer or whatever. Whatever it is, it should be something you look at and use.
  
• Repeat back the statement(s). You don't have to parrot stuff, but it helps if it comes out in your own words and with as much detail as you can muster. Not yeah when you're told to pick up little Jose. Rather, okay, yeah. I'll pick up little Jose on Sunday at noon from soccer practice in Malden.
  
• Ask questions if things are unclear. Don't assume you have it right. You might think noon when it's really one PM, or Malden when the town is really Medford.
  
• For detailed tasks, use a detailed list. This is stuff like food shopping. Don't just sit and try to remember everything. Write down: milk, bread, eggs, orange juice or whatever
  
• Become a part of the planning/telling conversation. If you're asked to go to the store, you don't just have to nod and smile and go. You can involve yourself in the conversation. Do we need coffee? or if you're asked to pick up little Jose. Who's his opponent at soccer this week? Taking an interest is a way to keep your attention focused

I hope these help. Good to see you back!

Jose, welcome back. Sorry that I don't have any good advice for you.

I have to say that I'm glad to see that others share the problem.

Good advice, Swimpy and Jespah. Split focus, exactly. I've learned not to participate in conversation with Mr. M when he's anywhere near a TV screen. His eyes inevitably slide away.

We might be sitting at the table in the kitchen, in the middle of a conversation, when he'll reach for the mail and soon I've lost him.

I used to say, "Am I that boring?" Now I quietly get up and walk away. That helps his focus immensely.

I'm wondering if it's an issue more common to long marriages.

Good for you, Jose, for trying to fix it!

Interesting reading.
A question, though: is it mainly men who have trouble listening?

You may larf!!!!!

LOL.. same here. I just have to quietly get up and Mr. is paying attention.

Jose, nothing more to add than what has been said already. But also, it is completely OK if you are pre-occupied with some thought or some important news on TV. But be sure to tell her that you will finish it off in so and so time and give her your complete attention when you are through and keep your promise. After you finish your work, you should be the one to initiate what she wanted to talk about.

Is Mrs. C. discussing subjects of mutual interest.

I'm very fond of Mr. Noddy, but I'll be double-damned if I'm going to feign interest in a monologue on automobile mechanics.

It can be something totally insignificant that I did hear but failed to register. For example:

Mrs. C: I got the coffee ready for tomorrow morning.

I hear: All you need to do is turn it on.

Tomorrow comes and I get up and throw the switch... NO coffee!

(this is a Gevelia coffeemaker that has a carafe)

Turns out, the H2O was still in the carafe and I forgot to pour it in

Mrs C. immediately gets angry and knows there is a disconnect. She assumes that I didn't hear a thing she said and that hurts.

On a personal note, thank you all for your concern. I have been diagnosed with MS since '98 and sometimes wonder if the cognitive problems I've been having are related to the progression of the disease. I have taken a proactive approach and have been on Beta inferon treatment for years. Just recently had a comparative MRI and the results showed no prgression and things appear to be stable. The only symptom at the moment is a slight decrease in vision in one eye.

What we have here is failure to communicate. That example at least doesn't indicate that you didn't hear her. You just misunderstood her. I would try to get tho the bottom of Mrs. C's concern. She got angry most likely because there is a pattern of these types of interactions. Sometime, not right in the middle of another conflict, ask her to think about what you both can do to improve communication. This is a two-way street.

I agree.

So many marital arguments are about something else -- I wonder if this is partly about her fear of the progression of the MS, and her worry that she'll be in a caretaker position eventually?

What you describe sounds like a reasonable enough misunderstanding -- what's processed is "everything's set up for you," even if you missed the water detail. Her reaction, in a vaccuum (as in, knowing only this story) seems outsized.

So it sounds like it would be good to figure out what made her reaction outsized -- whether she feels like she is not listened to in general, whether she's worried about having to be your caretaker and guilty about the worry which translates to being sharp with you, etc.

Good luck!