When do you stop trying to make it work?

If I were a woman, I wouldn't want a relationship with you! Your oral sex timetable for a start. You seem very self centred. You even boast about your big penis while looking for relationship advice. Do this gal a big BIG favor and get out of her life.

If I was her, I'd have stopped trying to make it work a long time ago.

Oh wait. It looks like she already has!

Okay, whoa, slow down.

A few things.
(1) Because of the very existence of your son, you will always be in each other's lives, or at the very least, you should. Hence there's no need to be in a relationship, per se, for the purpose of maintaining the connection, which seems to at least be a piece of this situation. That is, you are both, I feel, afraid to be completely out of one another's lives. Well, you don't have to be in a relationship and you don't have to be completely gone from each other. There are more shades than just black and white.
(2) She is complaining about two things that many women would be thrilled about -- size (too large) and time spent (too long). Many women would flip to have a man be larger or take longer, or both. So, to my mind, she just doesn't want to have sex with you. She's also saying this by her saying things like, that she had no sexual problems with her other partners. I think these are huge red flags and they are telling me that she is going through the motions.
(3) And, let's face it, so are you. You have some specific sexual requirements and they are not being met, but you're hanging in there just the same. And you admit that both of you cheated on each other before. There is a very real possibility that the cheating never stopped. Even if you are not currently cheating, you have in the past and that line has been crossed, and she has in the past, and who's to say if it's a 100% guarantee that she isn't any more.
(4) While you have said that you love her and "will always love her", that whole thing seems more like an admission that it's at it's end. And it is. Forgiveness is one thing, and it's a lovely thing, and admirable, but forgiveness does not mean subsuming yourself, losing yourself, losing what you need, and giving it up in order to return to some earlier status quo. Forgiveness is just that -- it's letting go of anger and resentment -- it isn't a letting go of happiness which might reside elsewhere.

I think that's what's going on here. You both seem to have let go of some anger and maybe even all of it, but that does not mean that the path absolutely must double back on itself and back to the two of you as a couple. You do not mention your son's age (if you have mentioned that in previous posts, I'm sorry but I've forgotten it), but kids over about the age of 3 or so will start to see cracks in a relationship (although they may not articulate them as such), and kids over age 10 will without a doubt know that a couple is only staying together for their sake.

Your son is going to know the jig is up if he doesn't already. You cannot keep this from him. Do you want him to find you or your partner cheating? Do you want him to feel he is responsible for your unhappiness? Do you want him to feel that love is unimportant?

There are other fish in the sea, for both you and your partner, and there are other shots at happiness. Better to be apart but on good terms than together on bad ones. Better for your son and better for you. In time, you or her may find someone who is a better match, and all will benefit. Let's say it's you who finds love. You benefit by finding love and being happier, and your partner and your son benefit from you being happier and probably living longer. If it's your partner who finds love, she of course benefits from that and from being happier, and you and your son benefit from her happiness and the possibility that a happy, stable home life might mean a longer and wealthier life for her. But you've gotta let her go first.

PS Given the mutual cheating in your pasts, and not to go off on too much of a tangent here, but has anyone considered the possibility of STDs? I suggest, for everyone's sake, that you and her get tested right quick. Stay together or not, but take care of your health, and make sure you are around as long as possible for your son.

well said jespah

Thank you, miss s'wolf.

Thanks to most of you!
First of all I wasn't bragging about my penis size, I was just stating what she has said. Second, she and I both have self-centered tendencies. As for you Blacksmithn, your right thats how it seems most of the time, that she isn't trying to make it work. So thanks for stating what should appear obvious to me.
As for Jespah. I really appreciate you advice. As far as the past, we have been in the gray before and that always led to us wanting to get back together. It seems we don't handle a relationship too well but we also don't handle being apart well either. Then when we stay in the middle somehow we start to want more. As far as her going through the motions, I think your right. There is no telling though. Since I've known her she has never really been a sexual person and has always stated that she has never had the BIG ONE. She says it feels good but she mostly does it for her partner. Almost every girl I've been with complains of stomach pain after 15-20 minutes or they complain about pain. She is no different from the others. Overall I feel that what you say is true about the red flags though. As for her cheating, your right, who knows. Trust will always be a problem. It seems that every guy I've ever caught her talking to as a "friend" turned out to be a partner at some point in time!
When you say it seems like an admission it's at it's end, and it is. Does it appear that obvious? Have I wasted the last nine years of my life in this on again, off again BS? Isn't there any chance that this can work or am I just trying to fit a car through a pinhole?
As far as the STD's. Im a nurse and have always been miticulous about that. In '02 that should have been the end of us. She contracted two STD's. She made ME feel bad for her and said what an asshole I was and should accept her anyway. But I never have. I can't have unprotected sex with her. I can't perform oral. It sucks.
As far as my son he is seven, soon to be eight in June. He said he is ok if me and his mom arent together. He says he hates us arguing all the time and it bothers him. My parents argued a lot when I grew up and it damaged me to some extent. But I always appreciated the fact they stuck together through thick and thin. She has been there for me and I have been there for her many times. More me for her but thats irrelevant. I just see a lot of people in today's society that seem like they give up when the going gets tough. I have and have had a lot of emotional and other problems growing up. She did too. At what point do you continue to try and grow. I mean we are 27 and still not moved on from each other. I just can't make sense of it. I have had two other serious relationships since we broke up and both have failed. I see where she is different and where it seems like all women are the same. Thanks for everything. It seems so obvious to all of you and it kind of seems that way to me but damn its so hard to let go!!!!!!!!!!!!

The easiest way to get out of this relationship and walk away from it will be to find another relationship. Women are not all alike and, with only 2 other serious relationships under your belt, you've got to admit that you don't have too large a sample. So look for someone else. And it need not be all-fired serious at once. Don't bring anyone to meet your son unless you are serious, but there's no law that says you cannot have some fun, provided, of course, that you are careful.

But right now, you and this woman are together and keep colliding because right now there's nothing better. And that's only because no one seems to be actively trying to find anything better. I know all about this kind of inertia -- it's comfortable, it's easy, you don't have to dress up and be polite and all of that stuff. You don't have to try. And you know something? This not wanting to try something new is not doing you any favors. All this is doing is keeping you from going out and meeting the woman who you really are meant to be with.

Your son can see this. That's why he's letting you off the hook, and telling you that you don't have to stay with his mother. It's about time you let yourself off the hook, too.