Asperger's Syndrome kids

I'm just glad nobody put the lable on me when I was a kid and that my parents not only allowed me to follow my own path but encouraged my "obsessions".

For example - my obession was photography. I first stepped into a darkroom when I was about seven years old and I have never lost interest. I now work as a professional photographer, I own my own studio and am pretty successful. The singlemindedness served me well.

That "bad" part (what I'm told is not "normal" about me) is that social activites really seem more like obligations than like fun. I've learned to give a guilt-free "no" to most invitations - something I think a lot of people never learn. I like to spend time alone and never feel bored or lonely. In fact, my husband and I, through a weird series of circumstance, now have custody of a two year old and the hardest part for me is learning how to spend so much time with another person.

I think my behavior is harder on my husband than on anyone. He worked several years at one company that they thought he'd made up a wife and that I really didn't exist. He's had some friends for years that I've never met.

Anyway. I'm telling you this so that you will know that maybe this diagnosis isn't such a big deal.

Yeah...I think you're right. Just at first, it seemed like a bad thing, what with all the crazy websites out there listing the very worst of the worst. Not all of them are bad -- I've found several, actually, that give a view on AS the way you do.

As far as the label, though, my mother has decided that she's going to ask the doctors to not put it in his chart (if they haven't already). She's afraid that should the time come that he wants to get a federal job or another kind of job that would require the divulgence of medical records, that he would be disqualified because of the official diagnosis. I think that as long as he has the IEP (individual education program) test results, then he can receive proper education without having the AS label placed over his head.

I've almost decided that my husband has AS, too -- your comment that your husband has friends that you haven't met makes me think of that. My hubby is an awesome man, but he would rather be with the computer (his obsession) than to hang out with other people, except for a few friends that he's had for years who are also obsessed with computers. It used to bother me a lot, sometimes, but I just jokingly tease him about it now.

Out of curiosity, how's the learning how to spend time with the two-year-old coming along? Has it been difficult for you?

Having a constant companion has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. It helps that I completely love this child and that I have known him and spent time with him since he was born. (We're his proxy-grandparents for lack of a better description.)

Perhaps the coolest thing about having a two year old companion is that he offers the perfect excuse to spend 45 minutes walking to the corner and other leisurely pursuits. He's the only other person I know who isn't in too much of a hurry to stop and really look hard at something. (I HATE to hurry.)

He's been here now for a little over 5 months and I'm still learning and it's going great, we love having him here, but to tell the truth it hasn't gotten easier and I don't suspect that it will. Like most things in life you have to learn to adapt.

Indeed. I think you know that I sympathize on many levels -- parent of a 2-year-old, used to having a lot of time to myself, difficult adjustment, as wonderful as the kid is.

The 45-minutes-to-the-corner thing is cool, isn't it? "Look, an ant! Look, a walking stick! I'm Little Bear and you're Mother Bear. Look, a plane! It is flying very high in the sky. It is making a white rainbow! Look...!"

heehee Makes me want to be a two-year-old again!

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful thing here, boomerang!

It will get easier, boomerang. Trust me. Two-year-olds are among the hardest ages to manage. Especially for older parents/guardians...it takes everything we've got to keep up with them. I used to take my son to the park and let him chase squirrels just so I could have ten minutes to sit in one place.

I've often wondered what karmic purpose my strange initiation into "parenthood" might be serving -- perhaps the purpose is to teach me not to be alone.

Thank you all for your advice and good wishes.

(Sozobe - we've started adding some sign language into our daily wanderings ("Look! A heliocopter" "Look a cat!"))

I don't want to lead this thread to far afield because Liberty has asked an important question and I would love to hear of other's experiences. I've read a little more about it since I joined this discussion and it seems that AS symptoms run the gamut of possibilities. In light of that, I think it is important not to wave off the diagnosis. I think your family is doing the right thing, Liberty D - research the topic and get a variety of thought on how this has affected people's lives. Make sure your nephew gets the help he needs without trying to remake him into Mr. Popularity. With so many people who love him and are so concerned with his well-being, I'm sure he'll be fine no matter which drum beat he marches to.

Boomerang, the spectrum for this disorder is so wide. He falls on the milder end, for sure (thank god), but then they say that the symptoms get worse with age. We'll see, I guess.

Right now they're trying different drugs on him -- AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! I swear, I think that kids are nothing more than lab rats to psychologists, these days. They don't seem to be worried about how chemically changing their brains now will affect them at age 20, 25 and beyond, but, they're the experts, right? They've got him on an anti-anxiety drug along with some form of speed, and hey -- he's more social! Imagine that. So the Doc's advice is to *up* the dose of speed before the beginning of the school year and see how it goes, and then if he's still irritating to the teacher or getting bullied by the other kids, she'll understand the need for homeschooling (something I've been checking into). It's like she (and a lot of other shrinks) has this attitude of, "Let's chemically alter children who are different so that the teachers/parents lives are made easier, and then if upping doses and trying different drugs doesn't work, we'll accept them for being different (maybe) and try more humane treatments." I know some kids need it, but personally I think it should be a last resort. But I digress....

Anyway, I am going to keep up on the homeschooling resort in case drugging him up doesn't work. And here's a quandry -- am I secretly hoping the drugs won't work for him? Also, I spoke with Visitor about homeschooling and she made the good point that it requires a trained educator to give a proper education -- and no one in the family is a trained educator, so would that be a good option simply to keep him from getting bullied by the other kids?

Years ago all kids in Foreign Service families posted overseas were home schooled. As I remember the story, the first page of the first packet of lessons began.

Call your child to the table and tell him/her to sit down.

If your child won't follow these instructions you are advised to send him back Stateside for his education.

Non-cooperative kids need trained educators--or perhaps trained tamers. Most kids who respect their parents and other authority figures do just fine with untrained, enthusiastic, loving educators.

As someone who lives better through chemistry I know that if drugs can help. However, I have a real problem with drugging kids into "acceptable" behavior.

I spent a lot of my early school years sitting in the hall. I spent my later school years cutting class. My father, rest his soul, was even called to my very liberal high school about my attendance record. He told them that I'd show up if I was interested and not to worry about me if I didn't - that I was smart and wouldn't have trouble graduating. And he was right - I graduated with good grades and was accepted into some competitive colleges. (It should be noted that everyone in my family reads like a maniac and my parents insisted that I was born with a book in my hands.)

I guess in the 70s that might have counted for home schooling. My parents were smart people but not trained educators by any stretch of the imagination. I think Noddy is right - the right parents can tackle the job. (Don't ask me to do any geometry though.)

I don't know if home schooling is the solution to bullying - kids still have to deal with kids wherever they go. Interestingly, while I was never part of any group and never aspired to be a part of any group, I was accepted by a huge variety of groups and was able to slide in and out depending on my mood. It's kind of like how shyness is often misinterpreted for snobbiness - if you're not trying to fit in people don't really know what to make of you.

Noddy, that's good info, thanks. I think he would do that -- we'll have to put him to the test! "Trained Tamers" -- that's a great description!

Boomerang, he loves to read, also. A few weeks ago, he came to my house and picked up the NYT Magazine and read a story about a guy who was wrongly convicted of a crime and then proceeded to summarize the entire article for me -- and highly recommended that I read it. lol (He's 10, by the way) We're considering homeschooling not only for the bullying but also because the number of teachers that he's had (so far) who are sympathetic to his needs have been outnumbered by the ones who aren't. You're right about kids having to know how to deal with that stuff, though. I just worry about him having to put up with being called names and laughed at for the majority of five days a week and having his self-confidence completely shattered. Maybe I'm worrying too much, but I know how it feels to be the one who's singled out for humiliation when a group of kids decides you're not "cool enough" or whatever. Not that it's messed me up for life, or anything, but it made going to school complete and utter hell. It worries me to think of any kid going through the same misery.

LibertyD, that's something else we have in common. I, too, know what it's like to be singled out for humiliation in school. You're right, it was utter hell at the time. However, we lived through it, right? Good for us. It probably made us kinder, more sensitive people.

Actually, though, I don't think it's necessary to be a professional educator to be a good homeschooler. But some training would be helpful. For instance, I've been working with my son for four years on his homework, and I still have no idea whether he is a "visual," "auditory" or...there's another category or two I'm forgetting...learner. And I have been told by experienced teachers that each type needs a different kind of instruction to learn best. Also, I don't know enough about the different curriculums to tell the good ones from the not-so-good, or which would best prepare my child for higher education.

From talking to friends who homeschool, I know it is a lot more complicated than simply being able to understand the subject matter you have to teach. And for those who homeschool several children at once...!...well, I just don't know how they do it.

IF you can find schools and teachers that can handle AS students, that seem confident about it, and IF he is doing well academically in that environment, I'd leave him there. He'll have to learn to handle the bullying no matter what social group he's in...inside or outside of school. If you CAN'T find a good school, or if you feel his learning is being compromised, by all means, try homeschooling. Just find out what you're getting into before you commit yourself to that.

(Today was the last day of school...hooray! No homework for 12 weeks!!! We'll have to get the boys together soon.)

Visitor, I can understand what you're saying -- I'm sure it's much more complicated than being able to understand the subject matter. And when I really think about it, I'm not completely confident in myself to be able to provide him with all that he needs to learn about -- I've wondered how homeschoolers who weren't professional teachers reach that level of confidence when it comes to their child's (or any child's) education. At any rate, I've probably just gotten a little excited again (I tend to do that when it comes to this subject ) and I need to trust the professionals. My mom is trying to do that, and so I should support her in that effort.

Jeez -- if I get this bent out of shape over my nephew's problems, can you imagine the overprotective mother I'll eventually be? heehee

Congrats on no more homework for a few months! Getting the boys together would be fun for all!

<Jeez -- if I get this bent out of shape over my nephew's problems, can you imagine the overprotective mother I'll eventually be? heehee>

You'll be a wonderful mother for exactly these traits. You put the child's welfare first, you question the system, and you're willing to get involved. Good for you.

The bullying at school that these kids get can be extraordinarily damaging - for ANY kid - but Aspergers kids tend to be major targets.

I can so see the dilemma re the benefits of socialization vs the removal from the damaging harassment.

Schools seem to be so different in how they handle this stuff, too - some refusing to see it as the very serious thing it is, others really trying and managing to make things a lot better.

Sigh.

I have treated a number of kids with really severe PTSD from bullying.

Thanks, Visitor. I hope so.

dlowan, in the cases of the kids with severe PTSD from bullying, were most of them able to come through it okay with counselling (I guess I am assuming here that you're a counsellor?)

They ended up a lot better - but would not have done so had the bullying remained at the intensity which caused the trauma.

I do not think they ended up as well as they would have done without the trauma!

Schools etc must realise that persistent bullying has serious effects, not just on kids with special problems, but any kids.

It is beginning to dawn - but it is a difficult problem to tackle in some schools.

I suspect that the adult to child ratio in most schools has something to do with bullying going unchecked -- and it keeps getting worse in public schools around here, with continued layoffs and budget cuts. The teachers that are still employed have so much to deal with on top of watching how each child socializes.