Reply
Sat 15 Apr, 2006 12:53 pm
My mom and i are very close and yesterday we went out for coffee with some family friends and we hade a debate on evolution and i disagreed on some technicalities with her, maybe i was little verbose in my disagreements but other then that it was a debate and i think i'm allowed to disagree on some things. Then we came home i was working and she walked in and stood here and I didn't really feel like talking and I've going through a lot of stuff emotionally- i'd also spent the whole day with her- (see the post about my friend earlier) anyway I jokingly said "hey i've seen enough of you today..." Anway she took that very personally all though i was joking she went crazy at me.
Now today I was doing some research for my job and she walks and sits down in my room eating oats and says nothing so I go "Whatsup?" she says nothing, eventually and I must admit perhaps a bit rude i said "do you have to sit there?" although i didn't think it would evoke what it did. she went mad she stormed out my room to find books that proved me wrong yesterday and told me I treated her so badly etc etc. When I pointed out to her that when she works at her computer and she asks me to leave i do she still told me to basically get f::ked. i don't know. it just upsets me so much when we fight. i don't want to cry but i always do and I think she likes that.
Sometimes when it comes to real problems although my mom and i are close I don't talk about them in case i seem weak, i think that it I don't want to expose a weakness that she might use agaisnt me. i always feel i should be stronger and more independent from her but she always gets me back in. Thing is when it goes well it's great but when it goes bad it's terrible.
Jeez, sounds like me and my mom in a lot of ways...We'd be really close and get along well, and then some little thing would happen (maybe I'd disagree with her or joke in a way that did sound a bit snotty) and she'd just make it into a huge fight, reduce me to tears, tell me what an unkind and insensitve jerk I was, etc...until I really felt like I was and I'd practically beg her to forgive me...
I don't know that I have any particular insights at the moment, but I just wanted to tell you I'll be mulling it over, hopefully come up with some thoughts later...
Meanwhile, I can tell you that things only got easier with our relationship when I finally got my ass in gear and moved out-- might be time for you, too, eh?
"do you have to sit there?"
"hey i've seen enough of you today..."
What if your kid told you that. When you get older what your family says to you hurts more because when you get older you realise family is one of the only things you really got that counts. You discounted it when you said that (I think).
Put yourself in her shoes. Young girls can be vary mean. Then again I could be totally wrong.
Yeah, Amigo, you have to consider their perception, as well as your own.
Sure, t_l, she put you on the spot, both times, but even I would have been offended.
Yeah, thats why I was saying I could be wrong. But i'm sure tagged will see it either way. She said they were close.
Just reading your retorts ruffled my neck feathers, Tagged, but I'm from a background where I as a child wasn't allowed to "sass". I see now how restrictive for learning to carry on discussion all those old rules were, but I believe in showing respect, assuming of course the parent isn't abusive.
My suggestion is that if you were tired of talking, just say that, describe yourself, as needing quiet now, could we talk later or tomorrow? - not put the onus on the mother who is trying to engage you.
I also see you have a relationship I've not really had, so it's a little hard to comment. When a parent of a teen/early twenty year old becomes one more pal - not that that is an exact description - it's tricky business in what is quite a transitional time.
In my family, I've watched as my cousins dealt with their mother who was something of a family matriarch. I liked her perhaps better than they did, as I didn't have to deal with her expectations - I was free to see her as fantastically grand lady more often they could. Well, that's all a different story, but given that both people live long lives, a mother daughter relationship can go on for, oh, something like 3/4 century. My cousins' relationship with their mom did, as she died at 101.
It is sometimes near comedy to hear from my friends about dealing with their mothers, my friends being, usually, in their 40's to their 70's.
So, hang in there...
Tagged,
One thing that came to mind for me right away is:
Maybe you're mama is trying to suck up as much quality time as she can with you right now. Her baby is growing up and won't be home for a lot longer!
My mum did that the last year I was at home. I left at 18 and that last year was rough. I didn't get it at the time, but she told me she had been obsessing about me growing up and leaving. It can be a rough transition.
Just a thought. Now is the time, if any, to cut her some slack.
Tylenol PMS might help. If the problem gets really bad, just take a bottle each.
I have never seen osso quite this angry.
Angry? Nah. I like chjsa. I was hoping he'd walk about a bit.
I get all your points, my family is generally highly strung and like most jewish famileis the kids are at home till well who knows when but i don't want to be part of this.
She stopped me from studying in cape town cos she was scared she's be lonely! Anyway i'm over that. Now i told her i was thinking of moving to South America, already spoken to consulates etc and she was quite for a second then said and what am i going to do? I said you can come visit, she was not impressed and now that she knows it's my goal to move to buenos aires within the next two years she is definatley not happy. but then again she is supportive of it at the same time really wierd.
Yeah my families generally rude we all have ego issues (we were all at a family psycologist in my late teens because of many "issues" and the therapist said we were all right in our own ways hence no one agrees with everyone making lving with each other hell but at the same time living with out each other even worse). We all have very dominant personalities.
I was joking when i said "i've spent enough time with you today..." i was even smiling at her I didn't say it maliciously. maybe my sense of humor is a little off key.
oh and cypher you right or moms do sound similar.
They really do sound a lot alike, which is why I didn't focus so much on how your comments sound kind of bad, because we were the same way--we'd relate to each other in a jokey teasing way, and I could normally make any kind of rude joke I wanted and she'd get it.
Other people would think it was awful, but she'd know I was kidding and would think it was funny. Then all of a sudden, the same kind of joke you always make gets taken all wrong and you're in deep sh!t.
Yep, been there. I don't know if this could be true for your mom, but for mine, things got pretty rocky for a few years partly because she was in menopause. She didn't think that was anything to do with it, but it was definitely an issue for probably close to four years.
Also, I think it really is hard when you're very,very close to your mom in your late teens and early twenties, because even though you love her, you need to start figuring out your own identity a bit more. I think some space at that age is a pretty necessary thing.
I took three hikes yesterday.
Quote:She stopped me from studying in cape town cos she was scared she's be lonely! Anyway i'm over that. Now i told her i was thinking of moving to South America, already spoken to consulates etc and she was quite for a second then said and what am i going to do? I said you can come visit, she was not impressed and now that she knows it's my goal to move to buenos aires within the next two years she is definatley not happy. but then again she is supportive of it at the same time really wierd.
t-l you may like to look around on this site.
http://www.cultures-shocked.net/forum/
I think the people on that site are a little younger however the issues are the same.
classic break away syndrome happening. be strong dont let your mother emotionally blackmail you however do take into account her feelings.
thanks dap pad will do and get bacl to posting here about it.
Cypher maybe menopause ahs soemthing to with it. perhaps. Anyway she apologised to me and it's okay for now but i dunno fo how long...
it's like mini me version of this site...
I put that site in cause it deals with living away from home and in another country.
The kids often speak of separation anxiousity from parents. I know I certainly experienced it when my daughter went. I just flatly denied she was ready and mature enough to go. Boy was I ever wrong. So if you are thinking of going to sth america you may find some usefull tips, friends etc.
thanks yeah might be a while still but definitely is my plan. Got friends in Sao paulo but know one in Argentina.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace