Son gets bullied all the time

Boomer -- we know a younger boy (a neighbor) who has been a bully at school but is now taking karate at my son's school. It has certainly modified his behavior! All his mother has to do is threaten to tell his karate instructor about his bullying. Amazing how much better they will listen to someone who can kick a ceiling fan blade from a standing position...rather than plain old Mom!

Whoa...telling his instructor??? You should see the look of fear on his face!!! (The instructor is a very nice guy, btw.)

This part kind of jumps out at me.

How are you desperately trying to wean him off? What form does that take?

The prevailing wisdom for a long time has been that it's good to teach small children independence by forcing them to be on their own/ deal with things in various ways. What's been shown, though, is that the more attached they are, the more confident they are. Like, if he's clingy, and you just snuggle with him until it's passed, he's actually MORE likely to be confident.

I do think that a talk with the teachers could be really helpful here. It doesn't have to be confrontational, more information-seeking, "So, my kid has been saying that [specific names] have been mean to him lately -- I wonder if you could tell me more about this?" (I'd advise that you avoid the use of "bully" at this point.)

I've been dealing with some issues related to this in a general way with my 5-yr-old, and have found that a kid's definition of "mean" can be different from our definition of "mean." (How have you learned about the bullying?)

For example, last year there was a kid in the class who was plain a bully -- he'd grab, and hit, and do unambiguously mean things. He was dealt with by the preschool teachers. This year, there is a girl who often just stands and cries, but what's actually happening to her is not bullying -- it's because someone won't play with her right then (and not in a mean way, either), or because she got sand in her shoes, or because she wants the teacher to read another book. The teachers deal with that too, in a generally supportive way, but not nearly at the level that they dealt with the bully last year.

I cannot express in words how thankful I am for everyones advice and kind words.

Sozobe.. I'll explain by giving example. He wants me there sitting right next to him when he watches TV. He wants me when he does his activities. He wants me in his bed. I put him to sleep on his bed and invariably he makes his way to my bed in the middle of the night. He refuses to be hugged by his dad if I am around. Even if we have plenty of place around to sit in the living room, he invariable picks the place right next to me. When we go to the park in the evenings he insists I play with him and not his playmates.

One more thing I observed. He is constantly at awe with older kids. If they are doing something he will just stop and stare at them. Don't know if all of this points back to "Self-Esteem" issues.

Thanks for the further details. When did the clinginess start? How have you been dealing with it when it happens?

This was since he was very small. He always preferred me to other people. If I was around, he would only be around me and refuse to be held by other people (like nanny, grandma, grandpa, daddy).. If he has something interesting to share he will always come to me first. I was not alarmed until he started going to playschool. He would be OK at school and daycare but whenever at home, he wanted me to be constantly around.

What I did for that.. nothing for a long time and I feel so guilty for that. I would continue with the regular routines of playing with him, reading stories with him, creating activities with him. He had m undivided attention once I got back from work and he from his daycare. He can do his stuff himself and he is pretty independent. He is always so happy.. so excited to tell me stories and things he did throughout the day that I find it hard to believe that his clingyness is because of some fear somewhere.

I knew I recognized your name, went back to try to find where I first saw you and found this:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1109722#1109722

It sounds like you could easily be spread too thin -- that there is an unhealthy competition for your attention between your husband and your son, and that your son is getting the short end of that stick.

Family counseling might help you get a grip on all of this, separate out what is to be expected from what might be a real concern, and give you tools to deal with it.

Good luck!

Sorry, was posting when you did...

It sounds like undivided attention is a good thing, really. How does his dad fit into all of this? Does he (your husband) still have these demands for your attention?

Sozobe, the link you posted was from sometime back. We have come through this now. The attention thing with my husband is no longer an issue.

Me and my son get back home by 5:30 and dad does not get in until 9:00 PM. So it's basically Mommy time until he goes to bed. Dad gets to spend time on weekend. But it's me who spends most of the time with our son.

I just want to put another vote in for this option. It worked wonders for my brother when he about 6 (is that kindergarten age?) He was picked on when he walked home from school everyday for weeks and no amount of taking to teachers or parents helped. My parents decided that in the real world you need to be able to protect yourself and they enrolled him a martial arts class. My brother eventually gained the confidence to get rid of the bullies and he went on to teach martial arts as a teenager. I do think a big factor in his success was that he had a wonderful instructor who helped him feel confident in his abilities.

I ditto the idea of signing up for martial arts. My cousin was a passive sort of kid right up until around 12. He would let other boys hit him and not hit back, talk back, or defending himself. Basically, he would cry or run away or wait for someone to save him.
At 12 he joined Tae Kwon Do. It was small town, but the instructor came to the school and taught classes at nights.
His confidence boosted quickly. He took pride in his skills. He even went on to compete in matches in high school and he was very good.
I think the beauty of martial arts is the one-on-one attention and personal effort required. As a person, you reap exactly what you put into it. It's 'all you' which feels great. It can be a sport or not; but a young age the attention should be on non-competitive skill building.

I also took martial arts at older age though. It helped me to control some of my aggressive behaviors and to gain self control and a sense of personal reliance.

Basically....another thumbs up for the martial arts suggestion!