When parents make you want to put them over your knee

Quinn just some exploratory questions, if I may - I am interested in your fear that setting some limits would mean that she severs all ties with you. I gather she did it with her siblings - does this really mean that she would do it with you? Of course you know best - but - a daughter, especially an only child, is pretty special.

You mention that you sort of set a limit in an email yesterday, and that you have not heard from her today - and that she does this whenever you DO set a limit. This suggests that you do it, but in small fairly indirect ways - she weathers this, I gather? Do you "give in" first and try to make up, or does she? Have these little limits, that I am speculating you may have set, made any change, however small, in her behaviour?

Have you ever tried Sofia's approach - of simply and calmly telling her what your feelings are when she irks or hurts you? What happened?

May I ask what are the deeper feelings behind your wanting to keep a relationship with her, even if it does nothing but harass you? I know she is your mum - and I do not for a moment fail to grasp the importance of that relationship - but I am wondering what, exactly, are your beliefs/fears about what not having her in your life would mean.

Have you tried subtle behaviour modification techniques?

This is more difficult in an email than in a more direct relationship - but I am thinking it might mean paying attention to the parts of her emails that you find rewarding, or, at least, less aversive - and commenting little and drily, or not at all, on the worst aspects. It might also mean responding quickly and attentively to reasonable (or less UNreasonable!) communications, and tardily and more coolly to really unreasonable ones.

Does she find phone calls from you rewarding? Could you reserve calls to her for when she behaves better?

These things can gradually shape behaviour, if you find consequences that are effective for her - although they seem cold and manipulative.

I used similar on my very abusive father - although the power balance was a little different, I think _( the only tie for me was compassion and guilt) - I used to walk out as soon as he began (I told him I would, and what behaviour was unacceptable) - and I would not contact for 2 to 3 weeks after an abusive episode. This did not change him deeply, of course, but it controlled the worst of the behaviour. He DID live for a long time, and I also had to manage his care all by myself, so I really understand your fears for the future - and I believe they are well founded. I am coming to believe that, as we age, we become more and more - and less and less subtly - who we are. This doesn't look good for you and your mum! So I think it is great that you are trying to examine how you are handling her now.



Venting is great too - even if that is all you can do!

dlowan speaks, as per usual, sooth.

I am also an only child, also with a parent who has been remarried to someone I don't know that well, (and one more unmarried parent, too; the two of them have no contact with each other.) I have had a very difficult relationship with both of my parents, and my answer to the question, "Have you faced your parent with a confrontational issue and had it resolved fairly to all?" is "Yes." I have had large and small confrontations with them both, and have reached an understanding with them both (which needs to be refreshed now and then.)

Your mother sounds a great deal like my father, and when he understood that I really actually was willing to completely remove myself from his life, he shaped up.

Your mother was in critical care last week? What happened?

dlowan..as per usual the levelheaded questions which, of course I have asked myself and tings I have tried for years just seem to have gotten me nowhere.
You would think an only child/daughter would be pretty special to a mom however, so shouldnt 5 siblings, girl friends, co workers, etc to some point at least. It would also make you think that as an only child, some sort of respect, comunication, etc would be there however, that as well isnt. Because I know her so well yes, I beleive my fear is founded that she would sever the relationship rather than realize the conflict is two sided and important.
Yes, she usually does not speak to me when I set limits, speak my mind, let her know in whatever small and insignificant way over something perhaps trivial even. Irks me to no end. I am however used to it. Do I give in or does she..both. Usually I end up asking her if she is still alive, or her me..thats the pattern of behavior we have had recent years at least. It certainly isnt a making up, it certainly isnt an excusing of the behavior but, it is a way of keeping the relationship going. I also usually repeat the situation of which she decided to ignore and she continues to ignore it, changing the subject, droning on about her this and that.
Have I ever told her my feelings when she irks me? nah, I pretty much get it across without flat out telling her it iks me, and to the best of my abilities without being hurtful to her or irate, etc. More of a fact person than a feeling person when it comes to dealing with her because thats what has worked.
What is the importance of me wanting to have the relationship? Well, wanting to have the relationship. If she wasnt my mother, Im sure my feelings would be different however, since she is, I continue to try for that reason only and since I am her only child, I dont believe she realizes how what she does is hurtful to me and how it could hurt her someday, or like tomorrow even.
I try subtle behavior mods all the freakin time. In one ear out the other, or ignorance....bliss on her part really. Im thinking now that agressive is the only way to make a point and I find that hard to do.
Regarding email techniques...been there done that...continue. And in no way shape or form has phone conversation done anything but strengthen my thoughts of her negative personality traits. There have been times when I have put the phone down and come back after getting a cup of coffee only to still hear her droning on about herself. When I interupt, or perhaps find a small breather in the conversation to say...this is whats going on here or something of not her life...all of a sudden she doesnt have time and must go. I have found however its a great way to get that behavior of hers to stop and instead of listening, or pretending to listen, I go right for the heart. She calls now maybe once or twice a year at most.
Im thinking of the non reward base as the way to go with her really, and sticking to my guns. Instead of contacting her first well, Ill just let her do her thing and continue where we left off...you know on the ignoring issue Ill just bring it up when she does contact me and perhaps tell her how it made me feel after she had time to go mumble and feels better. At this point it really feels like my only option.
Other than venting which feels good at least

Soz..refreshers, gosh...you would think once you have that like big confrontation refreshing wouldnt be needed...however...yeah, I guess its a constant thing.

Perhaps your mother and my father should have therapy together? Nice not to be alone at least, that its something we all seem to deal with at some level and some point.

lilk a great deal of things I think lead to the hospitalization. She took it upon herself to care for my grandmother, without much help from anyone, and when she decided she couldnt do it alone, it was too late, theres no one there, etc etc. The care gram is now needing and the selling of/moving of her belongings to an assisted living facility was just too much stress for her along with coping with the Alzheimers, which Im not sure of if she is refusing to admit is happening, or perhaps the depth of it, if she wont understand the disease and the limitations its has for your fixing it. So, she was depressed and anxiety ridden over that. Her job has her stressed out although, this is nothing new, but, she was out of work for a great deal of time and just needed a job, so this was the best there was-she took it..and of course everyone and everything is wrong because it doesnt suit her ways etc etc. So, shes stressed about that. I think she was also stressed perhaps over the fact that the last year or so I have been VERY honest with her about situations that she just ignored in the family and she might be realizing a few things that subconciously even might have her stressing. Anyway...docs put her on anti depressants which interfered with her high blood pressure meds and landed her in the ER who placed her in critial care after stabilizing. Shes seing a therapist though...and I find that refreshing as all heck, really. Is it bad that I keep saying wonderful, Im glad you like her, and I think you should continue to see her for as long and as much as possible?

Therapy is GOOD! Whatever relationship I have with my parents is largely due to (their) therapy (plus Prozac et al). Encourage away.

It can only help

wowsa! I'd push the therapy more than just encourage it!

my father, aged 78, is in the process of firing his 3rd lawn service in 2 yrs, the reason? he wants the lawn only mowed on fridays because he thinks its important to the neighbors to have a trim looking lawn on the weekends.

LOL Dyslexia.

Quinn
The best of luck to you. I am very thankful that my mom is such an easy person to live with :-D

Pushing therapy is looking more an more like the best idea yet.

Dys...my god man...how do you do it..poor lawn guys. Then again, theres a good account for someone willing to follow these simple rules

Montana--thanks..and always be thankful.