When parents make you want to put them over your knee

Geez Quinn
Sorry to hear of your challenges. I know it is very difficult but unless they will physically harm you or someone else, it's better to hold your tongue. If you can have a unified front with the others this may be able to help. You might look for some changes in her hormones, diet, and enviornment that is provoking this behavior.

Anytime you need to vent - I'll listen.

thanks husker....
Actually shes young <57> and been non hormonal for like 20 years so, thats not the problem.
She is having problems as of late with high blood pressure and taking care of my grandmother who is going downhill fast with Alzheimers. Thats why I want to keep holding my tongue.
However the problems I have with her are recurring and have nothing to do with whats going on now.
I have no others, I think thats the big problem. Dad passed away and she got remarried, and I really dont know him much at all. Shes broken ties with all of her siblings, and Im an only child.

Venting will help...with the lack of vallium at least I think.

Quinn1- You say that she is your mother, and you can't treat her badly. Is it OK that SHE treats YOU badly?

I really believe that YOU are probably part of the problem. How do I know? Been there, done that, and my mother is going on 94.

Like dealing with a child, you need to set limits with your mother. You need to tell her nicely, but firmly, what are your expectations as to her behavior. Is she going to sulk, or have a hissyfit? Probably. But the two of you have been playing a little game for so long, that it is going to shake her up. The game goes like this. Mom aggravates the hell out of you, and you say nothing. Therefore mom thinks that it is ok to behave the way she does. If she is as self-centered as you say, it does not even occur to her that she is upsetting you. She is only concerned about how things affect HER.

You need to take a deep breath, and confront her with reality. Without being nasty, talk to her about the things that she does that upsets you. Tell her that you have held your tongue, but can no longer remain silent.

She may get mad at you, and not even talk to you for awhile. (Guess what? That is also a manipulation!) Stand your ground. No relationship is worth it if it is making you ill. If she cares enough, she will listen. If she discounts what you say, then maybe the relationship is just not worth the trouble.

Another way to go is to change how YOU react to your mother. After awhile, people develop patterns of interactions with one another. When one factor changes, it changes the entire relationship.

Think about it. What can YOU do to make your mother's carryings on less hurtful to you? Good luck!

DO YOU HAVE A DIFFICULT PARENT?

From: Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stresssed-Out Children, by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane with Irwin Lebow

You're right Phoenix, it is a great deal of my part on how Ive reacted to her, how I continue to let the relationship go. Most of the time I just feel that its not worth loosing the realationship over something I can ignore for the most part. However, its the whole..if she lives to be 94 am I not going to tie her up, gag her, and spank her for her own good? I dont know if my resolve will last that long.
Its a fear really, of loosing what little relationship I have with my mother. I know if I say anything, no matter how and/or when I approach it her past actions only show that she basically removes the person from her life completely. Yes, this is her way of manipulating the relationship to suit her needs, and yes, for the most part shes pretty darn wrong about handling it that way. However, its my mother and I can't help feeling the way I do as well, I feel like it will fester and Ill snap, which also isnt good.
Its not making me ill, just makes me irritated and angry...yes, she does very well at making me angry at times.
Because of her self centeredness she doesnt listen, not really. And she probably doesnt put as much stock into the relationship as I do as well, just accepts it for how she likes it...which is how she has it.
pthblthth
I feel wrong about being the parent to my parent...ugh.....and its only going to get worse, I know.

Great Husker....
seems shes a self-centered, turn-off,controlling, fearful behavior type.

yeah, I got my work cut out for me. Excellent. I was thinking it might be easy.

There is always the home....she may only be 57, but from what you say, a 'convincing' argument could be made that she is a hazard to herself and others...

Quinn1-



Your mom's a spoiled brat, and she is pulling you around by the nose. You are afraid of her removing you from her life? IMO, it sounds like a blessing in disguise.

You say that she has cut off ties with all her siblings, (Hmm, wonder why?) and that you are an only child. You really need to be very careful that she does not become more and more dependent upon you, where she can do for herself. If not, you may end up with a much bigger problem that you have ever imagined!

Cass - My mother and I may not have quite the history that you and your mom have (what mother-daughter do? From what I've heard I know I agree with the "how did you turn out so sane?" camp), but mother still can drive me up the wall like no one else. I generally try to reroute a tense situation by starting to talk about trees/plants/gardening/etc. That's always the one thing that we enjoy together so much.

I agree with Phoenix - Figure out what's her problem and what's her problem and don't allow yourself to be effected by her sh!t.

Yeah k..we've pretty much had this discussion before..havent we? sigh. I would try to reroute the conversation however..she doesnt listen to rerouting. Glad it works for you though! And thanks for the sanity for me thing..it helps in some strange way.
Her problems are basically her problems, and I am aware of them, and do my best to diffuse, reroute, and ignore. I am very happy she lives across the country, and that she doesnt invite herself here...although that is also a reverse sore point for me as well...lets not go there. It doesnt do anything really but postpone the situation I think.

You know Phoenix..maybe thats what really bothers me...I see myself as being the only one having to take care of her...and I wouldnt want to do it now, never mind later...when shes..worse....ugh, the thought alone is just plain bad. Still, no matter what she is my mother and no one elses. sigh. Then again, some people build those bridges, and then have to cross that river...and if due to their own devices then, unfortunately...they have to live with it.

cav..you have a point I think Ill keep in mind.

I'm sorry you're having this trouble.

When I was in my 20s I felt much the same way. Now, 25 years later, my parents are both old. Because I work overseas I only get to see them once a year, and every time we get together now they are noticeably older. I'm dreading the day I won't have them anymore.

Ugh. My mom is awful, as well. I have repressed enough anger to fuel the electrical needs of Vegas for a year.

I have reversed roles with her, and act as though I am trying to raise her. When she hurts my feelings--I have learned to stop retaliating, and simply tell her how I feel. She was used to me defending myself, or insulting her back, and getting into a squabble.

Now, I say, "When you said so-and-so, it made me feel you meant blah-blah..." Or, I ask, "Did you mean to insult me? That hurt my feelings." Or "What were you trying to achieve by saying that?" It is not as satisfying as braining her with a coffee pot, but I keep my dignity.

She also downgrades my sister to me. I hold up my hand and refuse to listen. Thankfully, my sister has said she does the same thing.

I do try to remember this was the woman who fed me when I couldn't feed myself.... It helps.....sometimes. Sort of a twist on what Jim said. One day, she won't be here, and I don't want the added guilt of treating her badly--whether she deserved it or not.

She was a wonderful woman when she was younger-- I think they must lose parts of what made them great in degrees, year by year. I try to remember what she was to me, and feel a responsibility to be as kind to her as I can now. IT IS NOT EASY.

Good luck, dear.

Cass - I am glad you live nearly a continent apart. I just wish everyone could get along with everyone else. really - that includes you and your mom....

You feel like you have to take care of her, but she has a husband - what doeas he do?

Lk I think she said he passed away or something like that

Sofia-

[quote]I have learned to stop retaliating[/quote]

I have a difficult time because at one point in my life, she was not there for me when I needed her. I am a much better mother to her than she ever was to me, and I make myself very angry over it. As a result, sometimes, I become mean and snappy with her, and then I feel terrible about it. I understand it intellectually, but have a difficult time with my feelings around the situation.

Cass
I completely agree with Phoenix. My mother is a very easy going mom, but since we live together along with my son there has been situations where she would interfere in arguements I had with my son trying to tell me how to handle the situation. That wasn't acceptable to me and I've made it quite clear to her several times that she was out of line. No matter the situation, I always told my mother how I feel. We have yelled at eachother and we got through it quickly and over time learned to respect eachothers places. I personally would never let my mom get away with pushing me around. I just don't have it in me to do that. I know she's your mom, but you're her grown daughter and deserve the same respect from her as you give her.

I hope it all works out for you both and don't forget that you are just as valuable as mom.

Jim- yes, as we grow older we realize that there are people in our lives we will loose, and that the little time we have together can be very precious...if only it wasnt like living through a tornado, I might be able to keep that in my mind.

Sofia..I personally like the idea of a coffee pot. I however feel the same way..this woman was very much my hero in my younger days, and if shes good or bad now, all I can do is try to have a relationship with her.

k..yes, it would be all butterflies and bubbles if we all just got along. A continent apart still doesnt seem like enough however, it has helped.

Her husband <my step dad> doesnt do a whole lot. I mean, they have a good relationship between themselves, and hes generally a nice guy however she has met her match with control and manipulation. They dont have long distance because he doesnt believe in it...so, instead of having to listen to her I get constant email from her <which has its good points>. But, last week he pissed me off too...she was in the hospital in critical care..and did I get a phone call or email from him? No. Whacko....although I dont know that whole thing and have just put that aside really although I thought it very strange. Vacations are where and what he wants to do, and she just goes along with it. They used to meet at my grandmothers for Sunday dinner cuz he didnt want to stay around too long. He has a daughter my age he doesnt talk to. Like I said, they are a good pair for each other and thats all that really matters.

My dad is the one who passed away, and you know, that was the only time my mother has showed any thoughtfulness for my feelings in the last 10 years. I guess a little goes a long way.

Phoenix, so you feel guilty when you retaliate and stand up for yourself? I know what you mean. How do our parents do this to us anyway? I know full well about a parent not being there when you needed them and unfortunately, its something you cant forget, and I really dont think you can forgive if its a selfish or senceless act. Learning to live with it, accept it, and go on...thats where we end up I guess.

Montana you know many people have relationships with their parents where they are able to do the things you do and go on to have the relationship. My mothers personality and problems however dont allow it without dissolution of the relationship. Yes, I deserve a bit more respect and thoughtfulness from her but, amI going to force it out of her? And, to what cost? Kudos to you for being able to live with your mother...I couldnt do it. She would mumble in the kitchen while doing dishes and I would go for long rides...it just wouldnt work.

Quinn1- It is not that I feel guilty when I stand up for myself.I have no problem with that. The difficulty is that I become much more abrasive than is necessary. I still have a lot of resentment, and it is hard to let it go.

Okay, yes I can understand that...I am constantly backing off because I feel I could be too abrasive. However, backing off does nothing to resolve the situation. It is hard to let go...
coffee pots and valium are in short order I think and should be given to children once they are adults.

Funny, havent heard from her since I put a bit of a foot down yesterday to her email that answered none of my questions and just told me all about her. Prolly means she isnt talking to me now. She does that, Im used to it...it my little bit of a spanking for her...it doesnt seem to help. Perhaps abrasive would...sigh.