keeping expectations low

If you were a guy having sex with a few women you would be regarded as a "stud". Most women I know wait for the second or third date before making themselves available.

daniellejean,
As someone who has been down that road, I think you already know what you need to do ......

" I realized I kind of need to take some time and figure things out for myself by not getting into sexual situations. "

The best way to do that is to NOT date or kiss or fool around with any men for a while.

Sound hard?! It might be.But it could be the beginning of a whole new life for you outside of your habitual pattern.

You may also consider taking some of your probs. up with a professional, if you think that would help or is necessary.
You might be addicted to the rush, the pattern, of having guys chasing after you .....to feel desirable....and the cycle perpetuates because having them say they like you does not feel like enough, nor does dating, nor does kissing, nor having sex with them. Still that haunting "Will they really stick around and do they really like me for me?" thought plagues you.
By sleeping with them you only fuel your doubts about how wonderful and great you AS A PERSON, and that you are enough no matter what you do/do not do.
You create a no-win situation for yourself by sleeping with them because then you can think 'they only like me for the sex/my body/how i please them'.

I may be waaaay off base here. If so, just ignore me. If not, maybe that is helpful.

If you want my advice...and it seems you are asking for suggestions from people....your best bet is to be a single gal for a while. Be with you.

You can re-learn and break out of this pattern by becoming friends....AND ONLY FRIENDS....with a guy that you like. Commit yourself to being all that you are and fully experiencing and enjoying the company of a man on a purely friendship level. You will see how a man truly can like you for exactly what you are regardless of your sexual side.

Prof. help could also guide you to getting some of those religious/sexual things you are dealing with cleared up. If you are unhappy with the situation, you don't have to put up with it. You can change it.

Best wishes.

Star Trek NG
Unforgettable
Stardate: 51813.4
Original Airdate: April 22, 1998

Seven Of Nine: "I suspect the Commander and Kellin are engaged in a courtship ritual. It seems an unnecessary and complicated precursor to the act of procreation".
Kim: "I know you think so, but trust me, some people need those rituals".
Seven Of Nine: "Explain".
Kim: "It's, it's usually considered a good idea if two people get to know each other a little before they become intimate".
Seven Of Nine: "Why is that?"
Kim: "Because it's more comfortable. You spend some time together, you laugh, you talk. That makes it easier to, to get closer".
Seven Of Nine: "But the end result is the same, is it not"?
Kim: "Well, I guess so".
Seven Of Nine: "Then I fail to see what is accomplished by all the talk".
Kim: "Seven Of Nine, if you don't get it, then I can't explain it to you".
Seven Of Nine: "Obviously".

Thank you flushd for your advice, and thank you chumly for this enlightening dialogue from Star Trek. I'm afraid you might be right. Last night I was quite sleepless. And I was mulling over how I don't want to be sexual (but I do), how God fits in, and many other things. And I decided that I know what I've got to do. I like this boy, and I don't think I'm gonna throw him out of my life completely right now. But I'm going to be clear that we are not going to end up in bed any time soon. I want to go out to movies, go hiking, play chess, talk about books (we're both english majors). I also don't think the occasional kiss is so bad. And I think it's reasonable to attempt something like that.

But flushd, I will certainly keep in mind what you have said about how hard it would be to be in any kind of relationship (besides friends) and maintaining this level of plutonic courtship could be difficult. With that, it is my sincere hope that if it starts getting too difficult to do that, I will get out before anyone gets hurt.

One of my friend back home has offered her support. She says, just call me. If you think you want to have sex and you aren't ready, just call me. Write something, read something (maybe even the Bible). I'm glad I have her because I feel as though I am accountable for my actions. It's not that I feel all sex is bad. I just want to be loved first. And I know that takes more than three weeks. It takes more than three months or a year or five years in many cases. And I know that having sex doesn't make somebody love you because I knew I didn't love those who I had sex with.

Here's a thought: wouldn't it be nice to have sex with somebody who really cares, when it's really time, when you cant imagine living without that person and you'd want to die for them? I'll keep you guys updated.

daniellejean,
I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. You do have a good head on your shoulders, and you can do it. It's great that you have a good friend to support you in what is important to you. Excellent.

Take care and enjoy yourself. I'll watch out for your update.

He likes Scrabble!!! This a good sign, because I love scrabble. Sounds like a good harmless activity (assuming good choice of words). Other than that, we had a couple of candid conversations about Freud that I wish I hadn't indulged in...but too late now. I don't think any real harm was done.

Scrabble rocks.

Ha, just to throw a monkey wrench in ('cause I'm in an odd mood), true story -- when I was doing the Personal ads (back in '87), I met a guy in a public park, we started playing Scrabble, and he started stripping. Got down to his skivvies (the closest people were far enough away that they would have presumably squinted and said, "What the heck is a-goin' on there?"). I kept my head down, kept playing, and got out of there as soon as I won.

That was one of the odder dates I've ever been on.

'Course your date won't be like that. Just thought I'd share the strangeness.

UPDATE - Scrabble and NO Sex
Hey all,

So here's the update. Me and Mr. New played scrabble the other day in my building. Then he came into my room and we watched Comedy Central for a little while, and things starting getting a little bit physical. He wasn't feeling well, though (had some bad pizza earlier), so he left. I was really relieved because I felt like it was going where I didnt want it to and it was my fault for inviting him into my room.

So this morning I talked to him. I told him that I was kind of glad he had to go because I thought it was moving too fast (which was in part, my fault). I then proceeded to tell him I wanted to wait to have sex until I knew him better, until I was on birth control, and until after Easter (for religious reasons). Even then, it's not a guarantee that I will be ready just because Easter has passed or because I am on Birth Control or because we've been dating some time. It's just a decision that I need to make based on how I feel. But at the very least, I need to wait. He told me that he agreed because, like me, some of his relationships in the past have tanked due to premature sex. I was really glad we talked about it because I was beginning to feel like I wouldn't be able to be in control unless he knew where I was at. Hopefully this works out.

Sensible conversation is always an excellent omen for a relationship.

A lot of good sensible conversation does! It was his birthday today, and we went to the movies: me and him and his friends. We came back to his room. I just had to pick up some things I left. But I knew why I went back there. Things started getting really physical, but he held me to my word, and I left. I'm glad he has some self-control, because apparently I have none. Maybe Flushd was right. Maybe I shouldn't try to be in a relationship. It feels like I've been really irresponsible. I want to tear my hair and eyebrows out! I know that sounds extreme, but this frustration is a real problem.

You can either out-think yourself, or you can't.

He sounds like a good guy.

He does sound a good sort. And it seems you enjoy being around him.

It's tough going against our patterns. Good things: 1) he knows you'd prefer to wait 2) He agrees and is acting accordingly 3) you felt comfortable enough to talk to him about it.

tc