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Thu 23 Mar, 2006 12:38 pm
There are 2 issues going on, at least. One is he seems to think he can be uh, creative with the truth... Like, I saw a red shirt and pants climbing from the hood to the roof of my car out of the corner of my eye, and thought it was my son, yelled, "Get off my car roof! You know the rule!" And he vehemently denies it's him to the point that I come out to check, and he's the only child in the vicinity... and wearing the clothes I saw... Other times he absolutely refuses to follow the rules and tells me so... He's always played a little loose w/rule following, but lately we've been trying to get him to follow the rules more. That effort has only managed to inspire him to be an absolutely obnoxious little jerk about 25% of the time, make half an effort when it suits him about 50% of the time, and a full on great tremendous effort about 25% of the time...
Then, the other issue involves respecting coaches and their efforts... T-ball yesterday: the coach had all the little kids line up for stretching; my son was off playing by the fence. He was called to the group, and came, but when everyone was doing jumping jacks, he was bending over to touch his toes, etc. in other words, deliberately doing something other than the coach instructed him to do. He does that a lot at home, too. When I asked him about it, it wasn't that he thought it was funny, but that he just didn't want to do it right then. Power trip? WTF is that going on? He has to learn to respect his coaches if he's going to play sports, which he says he wants to do very much. It'd be nice if he'd respect me, pick up his toys when told the first time, not act like he can ignore me; or when I ask him to put the silverware away, have him do that instead of scream, "No, I don't want to!!!" (Both happened yesterday, btw.) Anyway, any thoughts? How important is this stuff? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations? (I don't think so since my 4 older children all do what is expected of them...)
If it helps I have a 7 year old girl that can act disrespectful too. Sometimes she is an angel and tries so hard to be good. Other times it is a complete role reversal. She frequently talks back, I too have to tell her several times to pick up her clothes, toys, etc. We have started giving her time outs - she needs to stay on her bed - or take away a privilege like watching cartoons. It seems to have helped out a bit.
This may be an age thing too. A niece of mine was a bit of brat - teasing and such when she was around this age, now at the ripe old age of 10, she has matured (now there are other age related issues).
I think being firm and consistent in your choice of punishment when acting inappropriately will encourage good behavior and also complimenting him when he behaves appropriately. My daughter just beams when she has been good and I tell her how proud I am that she helped her little sister or similar.
Also, is he looking for attention or tired? I know that frequently seems to be a problem with my daughter - she is just the type that seems to need more individual attention.
As far as the coach type of thing - not sure about since fortunately my daughter behaves with others - in her words - I am only naughty with you, daddy and maybe grammy. I am good with everyone else. But I think in time he will learn as the other kids will out shine him and peer pressure hopefully will also influence him.
Re: My 6 yr old seems disrespectful sometimes.
princesspupule wrote:There are 2 issues going on, at least. One is he seems to think he can be uh, creative with the truth... Like, I saw a red shirt and pants climbing from the hood to the roof of my car out of the corner of my eye, and thought it was my son, yelled, "Get off my car roof! You know the rule!" And he vehemently denies it's him to the point that I come out to check, and he's the only child in the vicinity... and wearing the clothes I saw...
Imaginary friend? I blamed stuff on my imaginary friend, who I could see very well I might add, when I was little.
Yes - Calliou even has an epsiode where he blamed his imaginary friend. I do not think it is unusual for kids (especially at this age) to "lie" about things. Quite simply - they don't want to get into trouble. My daughter also used to "lie" about things that didn't even matter. She would say something like I rode a horse yesterday - when clearly she was with us all day and did not. Almost like making up stories and sticking to them. She doesn't really do this anymore.
And reading the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" is helpful. Then explain how if he keeps telling you things that are not true - you may not believe him when he really is telling the truth - this has helped to some degree with my girls.
Linkat wrote:And reading the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" is helpful. Then explain how if he keeps telling you things that are not true - you may not believe him when he really is telling the truth - this has helped to some degree with my girls.
Oh, I am glad I saw this thread - thanks for the perspective. My 4.5 year old has recently started both saying one thing then saying the opposite and denying she ever said the first (usually in the context of getting wound up about something) and saying "my brain did it" when she does something rotten. I've suggested she get her brain under control, but she explains that she tries but her brain just won't listen. It's pretty funny, but the lying is frustrating, and I'm not sure how to get her to control her "brain" when "she" (brain is a girl, of course) does something wrong.
Funny mystery girl - "my brain did it". My daughter when she was younger used to say "It was my black heart" as opposed to her red heart - which she used as her good/evil sides. I used to say something similar - well let your red heart take over.
It may be a stage too. My daughter now 7 has not used that excuse in quite a while. I also found that she lies must less now. Still as most children, she will lie or not tell the truth if she thinks what she did will get her in trouble. Usually now though we can get as least a half truth from her on what happened.
This problem comes and goes in our house. I notice it more when we're having power struggles about something or when we've decided to crack down and enforce rules (like bedtime) that have gone unenforced for so long that the kids don't think it applies anymore.
Disrespect can be really hard to deal with because it's so infuriating. One of the things I try to do is stay calm. With something like refusing to pick up toys, I might try something like this. "I'm going to vacuum the floor. I need you to help me by picking up your toys. If you don't pick them up, I will, and I'll put them in the trash." If he makes an effort, than I'd help him. And I really would throw the toys in the trash if he didn't pick them up. I'd also try to make sure (and this is hard when they are being bratty) to treat them with respect while making sure that I respect myself. With T-ball, I'd tell him that if he behaves that way at practice again he'll miss a game. Make sure that you don't sound like you're doing it just to be mean, but be firm. You'll have at least one ugly fight where he calls your bluff, but with luck he'll start to understand that respect goes two ways.
Linkat wrote:Funny mystery girl - "my brain did it". My daughter when she was younger used to say "It was my black heart" as opposed to her red heart - which she used as her good/evil sides. I used to say something similar - well let your red heart take over.
It may be a stage too. My daughter now 7 has not used that excuse in quite a while. I also found that she lies must less now. Still as most children, she will lie or not tell the truth if she thinks what she did will get her in trouble. Usually now though we can get as least a half truth from her on what happened.
Oh, this is all so good to read. I had a momentary panic that she was developing signs of a personality disorder. (Okay, not really!) But it's funny; I know I lied as a child, mainly denying things, but I never said it was anyone or anything else - I was just utterly ashamed at having been caught and doing something wrong. Think it's probably better that they can look you in the eye in all their innocence and shove it off on some non-person, actually. Now, though, I need to ifgure out how to deal with it.
Blaming on the imaginary friend, in my opinion is very common. My son does that and he is 4. While listening to it I try to make a mental judgement, is he lying because he is just being playful or he is lying because he is afraid that I might get upset and scold him or take away one of his privileges.
If it is just being playful, try not to worry about it too much But keep your rules in place. Listen to him without being judgemental. May be ask him "why do you think your friend climbed my car roof?" and be prepared to listen to some more interesting stories. End of the conversation make sure to tell him to ask his invisible friend not to climb the car roof again or whatever he did. Tell him he is responsible for making his friend listen to him. This will instill a sense of responsibility in him and he will be challenged(possibly) to stop his friend from doing that. This works wonders for my son. He takes up an authoritarian voice and ask his friends to stop doing "whatever" immediately. When they stop he gets a BIG hug from Mommy
If he is lying out fear (it may not happen but they fear) of getting scolded or getting one of his privileges taken away, then you may need to put some more effort. You will have first have to gain back his confidence. He has to start trusting that you are in his team. You may set the rules but you are in his team. So coax him (but don't force) a bit to tell the truth. Tell him how important it is not to lie and if he comes up with the truth, appreciate it. Give him a goody, an extra story before bed or 1/2 hour extra on animal planet. Tell him how much you appreciate his telling the truth and show it with actions as well. Positive-reinforcement.. that is what I am thinking of right now.
You want them to listen to you not because of fear but because of the trust that you want only the best for them. Work as a team of friends. Worked wonders for me.
Re: My 6 yr old seems disrespectful sometimes.
princesspupule wrote:
He was called to the group, and came, but when everyone was doing jumping jacks, he was bending over to touch his toes, etc. in other words, deliberately doing something other than the coach instructed him to do. He does that a lot at home, too.
He is only exerting his independence. When do we adults like it when we are told what to do? In certain cases, it will be possible for you to let him be the boss. So whenever that oppurtunity comes always let him cease it. It builds confidence. Once they get enough of being the boss around, they are more likely to follow instructions on things they enjoy doing. In your case, listening to the coach. When they know they are listened to, they will do a good job of listening as well.
Princess P--
The kid seems to be testing limits--healthy, normal and exasperating.
Keep trying.
As for the T-Ball misbehavior, let the coach deal with it. You don't need any extra hassle and your son needs to learn company manners and sportsmanship as well as dealing with adults who don't love him madly despite his faults.
princesspupule, I just found an article related to the problem you stated:
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/expert/preschooler/praising/70263.html
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