This situation sounds eerily familiar to me. I may not be the best person to be giving advice on this right now actually. However, your situation sounds so much like mine was. The only difference was that I married him before I saw all these things.
You said:
Quote:We had a very on/off relationship where I'd feel really happy, then really sad. I loved him (and still do love him so much) and he was such a lovely, caring guy when we were happy with each other which is why I wonder if we did the right thing in splitting up.
This is a red flag. Anyone can be lovely and caring when they are getting their way. The question is was he lovely and caring when he wasn't getting his way? I'm not saying perfection here. I'm saying honesty. Did he still show you he loved you even when he was upset with you? Or did he withdraw that "love" almost as a form of punishment for you being, as he saw it, bad?
Quote:he found it hard to talk to me, preferring to turn to other girls for support
Another red flag. You were the one he was in the relationship with, not the other girls. You were the one he should have been communicating to, not the other girls.
Quote:He also made me feel very insecure by kissing another girl (he did tell me this was a mistake)
Oh horsie poop. That's a load crap. You don't kiss someone by mistake. Especially when you are in a relationship with someone else.
Quote:and whenever he drank alcohol I would end up crying because of the way he acted towards me.
Yeah, me too. He said a lot of mean things to me when he was drunk. No matter what the situation was it was my fault. It was like he wouldn't be open with me when he was sober. We would try to talk but it never went anywhere. And then he would drink and it would all come out. I'm not an argumentative person at all. I don't like to fight. Sometimes he would keep pushing until I blew up, and then sit back with this look of satisfaction on his face. Like he had accomplished something great. He would say things that would make me cry and feel like such a horrible person because I wasn't "meeting his needs" as he put it. No matter how hard I tried, I was never meeting "his needs", and my needs were never part of the equation based on the fact that I wasn't meeting his.
Quote:This makes him seems bad, but I know i played a part too as i would tell him when i was upset and stick to my guns being quite stubborn. As he never said anything directly to me about any problems i felt like a real witch and always felt bad for causing arguments which would then upset us both.
It wasn't wrong for you to be upset. It wasn't wrong for you to be hurt. It wasn't wrong for you to bring it up. In his eyes it may have been though because that meant "he" might actually be doing something wrong as well. I am merely giving you my view point from what I've been through personally. That doesn't necessarily mean it's totally accurate for your situation. I can tell you this. You can't force your needs on anyone. You can't force someone to take responsibility that doesn't want to. You can't force someone to tell you what's bothering them. The harder you push the further away the other person generally goes.
Relationships are a two way street. Giving on both parts. Committing on both parts. Communicating on both parts. Being willing to face the problems together without placing blame, but rather each person taking responsibility for their part in it, and learning how to work through that together. That is what causes a relationship to grow. That is what causes it to bloom. If it's out of balance it doesn't work. It's like sitting an apple seed on the counter and expecting it to grow into an apple tree right there. None of the conditions have been met for that seed to be able to grow. It needs fresh soil, water, sunshine, and so forth. It needs a place to spread out it's roots that support it's very life. Sitting on a counter will only cause it to wither and become useless.
Quote:Many friends had advised me to end things a long time ago seeing how upset the situation was making me but i just kept remembering the good times, thinking things would get better. Could things ever be worked out? I think that at this age and so early into our relationship we shouldn't have been feeling like this but its so hard to accept.
Since he ended the relationship I have been heartbroken and feel ive lost a best friend as well as a parner but have been trying to move on. i cant help having feelings for him still which aren't helped when he keeps asking me to meet up with him....
Letting go is never easy. Especially when you are dealing with failed expectations. It makes it that much harder because you are left wondering what YOU did wrong. How YOU could have made it better, and so forth. The main factor missing in that is, "we". Remember it's a two way street. It could be that you just weren't right for each other. Sometimes that happens. Yes, you loved him, but he's not the only guy on the planet who you could love or that could love you, even if that's how it feels right now.
I wouldn't chase him down. I would give it some time to work through the emotions you are feeling right now. Making decisions while wrought up emotionally usually doesn't work out so well in the end. Once the emotions start calming down things will look a lot clearer than they do right now. You'll probably see things you didn't see before, and you'll become a stronger person for it. You'll know a little better what you need, and what you want. Hang in there. It will be ok. We'll be here to listen if you need to talk.
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