Some Advice Please? I NEED HELP!!

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Hello, all.

I suppose in MOST circles I'm NOT really old (as my user name indicates), but thats what my children call me. LOL

Here is my story, and bear with the length, please.

I have been married for 18 years. I am 39 years old (will be 40 in November). My wife is 39 as well.

For most of our life together, I have been the "bread-winner" in our household. Now, please understand, I'm NOT a millionaire by any stretch!

My wife and I decided (together, at HER request) that she would become the "stay at home mom" until our children were of age to police themselves. She clipped coupons, took care of the finances, the house maintenace, everything. Now my son will be 17 and daughter 15.

In late 2004 we opened a coffee shop locally with three other partners. They were a male friend of hers and her brother and his wife. By the end of 2004, the "other" partner (her friend) had created such a rift between him and my wifes brother and sister-in-law that they decided to leave the business. They (to this day) remain partners on the books, but my wife and her friend have been battling their attorney to get them out ever since.

We have gone on operating this business for the remainder of the time, however, I do not see "eye to eye" with her friend very often. At first, my wife would tell me to just get over it, saying that he was just being him.

He is a control freak. I have not been able to make any major decisions about the business since opening, as he changes whatever I do the next day. He works there full-time, and I do not, as I have to keep a full-time job to make ends meet. So I DO see where he has alot of say-so in the business. He spends considerably more time there than me.

My wife works there full time as well. She is very passionate about the business. She DOES, however, have a job she can work around which pays very well, and does not cause much conflict with operational hours.

I only worked there a couple of days a week (usually my off-days from my job).

In the last few months, she has become more and more distant with me. She stays out late often (saying that she is networking with other folks and business leaders from the area the coffee shop is in). And, of course, he is always there as well.

She is now more distant than ever before. We do not sleep together (for the last two months). She never says "I Love You". She tells me that it is in actions, not words (which I agree with, but to NEVER?). She is in constant contact with her friend. Either with him, or on the phone with him.

Three weeks ago, she sat down with me and said "that we were traveling different roads". That "we could go on living this way" or (then she pauses).

He has become more and more protective of her. In fact, he has left several threatening voicemails on my cell phone, saying that I am the cause of all her grief, and that I should just go on and "kill myself, you pathetic loser". I have told her about these incidents, but she shows no remorse for his actions.

All the while, I have been trying. Trying to keep together, as she is the love of my life. My "one time" soul mate.

I have tried to change my outlook on many things. Before, I was mostly a "home-body". She enjoys going out (and because she was at home with the children for all of those years I can hardly blame her). So, I have offered to meet her later. She declines.

I have not been back to my coffee shop since January 1st. Because I do not want to create any problems for her. I don't want to place her in the middle of any argument or misunderstanding.

And now, it is worse than ever.

I have been doing plenty of research online with the whole "save my marriage" and "how to attract women" (hoping to apply some of the teaching in my married life). But nothing seems to be working. At all.

She has lost total interest in me by now. Well, almost total.

I looked at the whole "Alpha-Male" stuff online as well, and have made a determination that she is attracted to him because of his personality. He IS the ALPHA MALE to the Nth degree. They fight (verbally). They go through a whole process of hating each other for a day or two often, but the next day, everything seems to be O.K. again. Go figure.

So any advise? I do not want to give up on my marriage. Over the last 18 years, I've managed to seclude myself from the outside world (sort of speak) to make my wife the center of my universe. Have I made a mistake? I'm so heart-broken at this point.

There is plenty more to write, but I figured I would see if I get any responses first.

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That is a very painful situation. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with it.

Do you want to save your marriage, if you find out she's having an affair with him?

If so, there is a possibility that you can repair things. But, you have to decide if that's what you really want to do. Of course, she has to want to, as well.

You could get a PI, which is what I suggest. The evidence will help you in the divorce, as far as getting what you deserve from that business. Even if your goal is to stay married, I think you should know without a shadow of doubt if she's having an affair. If you do decide to confront her, and she gives you the endless lie that she's not cheating, you can blow that out of the water. That would be a good time to discuss with her--with all the cards on the table--if you should try to make it work, or not.

The primary problem seems to be your self-esteem, depression, or social discomfort. This, I hope you'll find a therapist for right now, wife or no wife. You won't be so needy and willing to put up with such hideous behavior in the future, and confidence is a big turn on. Plus, you'll just be happier.

I suggest that you start putting together a post-wife world. Plug yourself in to some community events or groups, and build some new friends. Start planning where you'll live, in case you decide to leave. Put aside money where she won't have access to it, for deposits, whatever. Get the PI.

You're going to be OK. It seems like you won't be, but you will. But, DO get the therapist. Whatever is going on with your self-esteem makes you especially vulnerable in this situation. You need some medicine and an objective professional (just a layperson's opinion) to help you through this, and maybe after. And, do find some things to join to get you out and around people.

It's early. There are likely lots of people here, who will be supportive and have varying ideas. I'm glad you're here.

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I think it may be useful to remember what is and is not under your control. You cannot make people love you, or rekindle whatever feelings may have cooled; we are each of us in thrall to our own feelings. But you can be the sort of person who is worthy of love and respect, which is to say, a person of character and intergrity, who is sensitive to not only your own needs but the needs of others. Perhaps your wife's feelings will strengthen, if she sees that you are worth holding on to. Her "we could go on living this way", or... statement seems to leave the decision up to you, which could mean that she has moved on but wants you to be the bad guy, or it could mean that her feelings are ambivalent, and that she hasn't decided in her own heart whether or not she should make a permanent move. The sad truth is that it will take both of you to make the marriage work, but either one of you can break it. If she continues to remain distant, and you have done everything within reason to accommodate her needs, you must ask yourself whether there is actually anything left of your marriage worth saving. Good luck to you, your wife, and your children. In spite of the way it may feel now, this doesn't have to be the end of your world. If your marriage rekindles, it could be stronger because of this trial. If it doesn't, new and exciting worlds may open up for a wiser, healthier you.

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Ai yi yi.

I'm with Lash and Greyfan, you can't make someone love you, and you need to see what your goals are here. Is it to stay together, or to prep for a divorce? I suspect you want to go the divorce route but aren't quite at a stage where you're willing to admit that openly.

I'm a firm believer in prepping for whatever. So, while trying to repair your marriage, if you're still up for that, you can also be checking out things like, how to get a lawyer to extricate you from this partnership, etc.

If you divorce, I highly recommend that you get an attorney to help you sell your share of the business, preferably to her or even to him. Just wash your hands of it, otherwise he in particular will stay in your life, and he's already shown that he's possibly unstable. And, it will be easier for you to deal with her as your ex-wife if she does not continue as your business partner. Good thing your kids are just about grown, but you will have to interact with your wife for the sake of your daughter, who is still a minor and still needs financial and emotional support.

If your wife chooses to hang out with this guy, then she is playing Russian Roulette with her own safety. I suggest, also, that you keep recordings of whatever awful messages he leaves, as they will be of interest if/when you work out custody arrangements for your daughter.

Three things:
1) Your wife's and your safety, and perhaps the safety of your children is at issue here. These sentences are very, very disturbing:

Quote:

He has become more and more protective of her. In fact, he has left several threatening voicemails on my cell phone, saying that I am the cause of all her grief, and that I should just go on and "kill myself, you pathetic loser". I have told her about these incidents, but she shows no remorse for his actions.

2) You already have one difficult legal situation with your other partners not being extricated from the business. See:

Quote:

In late 2004 we opened a coffee shop locally with three other partners. They were a male friend of hers and her brother and his wife. By the end of 2004, the "other" partner (her friend) had created such a rift between him and my wifes brother and sister-in-law that they decided to leave the business. They (to this day) remain partners on the books, but my wife and her friend have been battling their attorney to get them out ever since.

I assume you're no longer friends with your ex-partners, either (this kind of a dispute tends to do that to friendships). In any event, the man driving the other couple out -- and apparently looking to drive you out, too -- should've been a big, fat red flag. Your wife is ignoring this, but you don't have to.
3) Your wife's already making divorce noises. And none of those noises seem to involve the safety and well-being of your children.

I think it's time to call a lawyer.

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that's terrible, im so sorry, but all i can say (as i feel i am out of my depth) is get some professional counseling it's the best advice i can give ( I found it helped me with my issues) just find a great thearpist shop around cos there's therapists and therapists. Anway I hope whatever happens you find a way to make your life work for you.

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Some Advice Please? I NEED HELP!!

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