New relationship nerves...

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23/gay/female ... first relationship

All I've ever wanted is a relationship. I've been dating regularly for about a year and sometimes the dates went on to 2nd and 3rd dates, but ultimately never went anywhere. I was so depressed over my frustration finding someone to be with that I eventually went to a therapist, who I saw from August to December.

Then, several weeks ago, I actually met a girl and it passed that 2-3 date point. We're definitely dating and saw each other nearly every single day for the first week we knew each other. I even spent the night (no sex though) at her place toward the end of our first week knowing each other. We're quite close and intimate, very open with one another, spend nearly all our time cuddling in bed and talking.

Perhaps it is because I saw her nearly every day for a week and a half when we first met, but I haven't seen her in a week (she went away for the weekend and says she is very busy this week) - but I am beginning to panic. I am prone to panic attacks regarding people I am seeing if I don't hear from them all the time. I remember I went on 1 date with a girl a few months ago and nearly had a nervous breakdown waiting for her to call me back after the 1st date (I even posted here about it).

I'm not even sure how I feel 100% about this new girl, but the lack of communication over the past few days ( I haven't seen her since last Wednesday - due to her school and work and ultimate going away through Monday) - is driving me insane. I just don't want to lose what I have. I feel like I need to see her every single day to be secure in the relationship and constantly reconfirm her affection for me. I want this to end. I'm a nervous wreck on the days I don't see her b/c I fear she is losing interest if she doesn't see me.

I text msged with her yesterday and she said she hoped to see me at least once this week, but I feel this constant need to email or call her to make sure she doesn't "forget" about me...

I know this all sounds crazy, but why can't I just be normal and chill and relax and "casually" date? I have this possessive nature that I just cannot shake.

Advice?

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Re: New relationship nerves...

mp4 wrote:

I feel like I need to see her every single day to be secure in the relationship and constantly reconfirm her affection for me.

This is bound to scare most people away at some time or another. Eventually you just need to be able to trust a person. You will ever be able to be with a person 100% of the time so trust is a very important aspect of every relationship.

If she tells you she wants to be with you and has given you no evidence to the contrary then why question what she says? If she doesn't want to be with you then all you have to do is keep looking and be glad in the fact that you didn't waste any more time on a person who didn't want to be with you... and don't take it personally, sometimes people just aren't compatible.

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Quote:

This is bound to scare most people away at some time or another.

Okay, maybe not see the person every single day, but I would like to hear from them (either via email, text msg , etc) just to know they are still alive and are thinking of me......

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But maybe they aren't thinkng of you. People have other obligations in life and can't always be there to support you.

This isn't a bad thing and it doesn't mean that they don't care about you. People need a break from time to time. Maybe she really is busy and just didn't have time to call you.

I understand the desire to be told you are wanted, but you have to becareful not to become to needy. It isn't a desirable trait in most cases. Or, it could signify that you just haven't found a compatible person. Maybe she isn't comfortable telling you the things that you want to hear.

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Mp4--

You seem very articulate about what you want and need. Tell us a bit about your new girl friend. What is she like? What does she like to do?

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Ah Noddy... always the level headed one.

I thought my post might be a bit harsh. I didn't mean to be mean, but I didn't know how to sugar coat it.

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Tell us a bit about your new girl friend. What is she like? What does she like to do?

We enjoy similar leisure activities: going to the movies, theatre, music, going out to eat, walking around nyc, discovering new restaurants.. in that sense we are very compatible. But sometimes I get frustrated with her b/c I have a much more outgoing personality than she does. I am a very talky person and love when the person I am with can match me like that. She is shy, a bit socially introverted, has told me some things about her past that made me scratch my head. Sometimes I feel like I am pulling teeth - constantly asking her questions to get her to talk open endedly. I do wish she had more of a sense of humor and a stronger personality.. but then again, I've never gone out with anyone who had either of those traits, which is why i was never interested in anyone I went out with. Thankfully, all of my friends exhibit those qualities.

I really want to give this a shot, we do have a nice time together, have a lot in common and have agreeable work/social schedules. She's a homebody like I am, doesn't drink much or go to bars/clubs, etc.
But then there's that nagging part of me that's like "what the hell?" when she tells me stories from her past (or exhibits over the top OCD like behavior in restaurants -- like, she pulled out one of those small white ear plug things cause the woman next to us at a diner was slurping her soup -- wtf??)

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mp4--

I remember reading a crack by a gay man that gay men dodge commitment while lesbians wonder whether a second date is too soon to order the moving van.

Because of your sexual orientation, you've missed out on the teenage dating possibilities that a hetrosexual woman would have had. You've never had a chance to explore yourself as a single woman, let alone the possibilities for you as part of a couple.

You do not have to find the Ideal Woman and settle down this week--or next week--or by this time next year. Having a Life Partner will not solve all of your problems. Nor will the sincere love of another person be all that you need to explore yourself.

Rose buds are potential roses--but you can't rip the bud open with your fingernails and expect a presentable flower. Why do you feel that you have to rush commitment?

Send daily love tokens--this is your thing. Don't be disappointed if you don't receive daily love tokens--mark it down as one of the differences between you.

Meanwhile, enjoy your new relationship. Enjoy springtime. Enjoy being young and alive.

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Great advice from Noddy there.

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New relationship nerves...
Sometimes we might sound a little edgy with someone we care about, when we don't really mean to... Making love has been known to take the off the edge.

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thanks for the advice guys.

I've seen the girl a few more times in the past week... and honestly... i'm not really all that interested in her. She is socially awkward, has bizarre interests, doesn't have many friends, etc... I think the reason I got attached initially is b/c I wanted a relationship so badly that when someone reciprocated, I ran with it.

Is it wrong to keep dating someone you know isn't right for you, but you just want the companionship and to be romantic with someone? I honestly don't care that much about her, and if she disappeared tomorrow I wouldn't be all that upset, just that it took me forever to find someone and I don't want to be alone again.....

It's so hard for me to find someone (it took 1.5 years of 1st dates) that I really don't want to let it go..... we're not exclusive, its established that we are both single and not in a relationship.. I am still looking for people to date (mostly online)....

My question is - has anyone else had this experience? What did you do?

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mp--

By my count you and this woman have been seeing each other for about a month. Correct? A month of dates doesn't commit you to a lifetime relationship--and it doesn't commit her, either.

Quote:

Is it wrong to keep dating someone you know isn't right for you, but you just want the companionship and to be romantic with someone? I honestly don't care that much about her, and if she disappeared tomorrow I wouldn't be all that upset, just that it took me forever to find someone and I don't want to be alone again.....

Do you feel that you are "using" her in the sense of taking and taking and never giving anything back?

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Noddy,

Yes, we've been dating about a month. We have firmly established that we're gonna take it slow, and keep it really casual... to eliminate any pressure. We kind of left it open for us both to see other people.....

Here is my dilemma.. in my head I know it is pointless for me to keep seeing her at all - I don't particularly love her company, she isn't funny/overly interesting.. she has habits which annoy me , etc. Long story short, i don't particularly LIKE her.. lol (I know this sounds so rediculous). But, she is a nice person, and we enjoy doing the same things, she's good for companionship.. and she likes me. Sometimes I find her to be really cute (when I'm not scratching my head at her) so I don't mind being physical with her. It's really b/c I dont want to be alone again... i feel like this is a good experience for me to be dating her.. so I have more confidence in my next relationship...

My question is -- how long do I go on dating her? We see each other about 2x a week.

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mp--

Believe me, the world would be much easier if Life came with Certified Timetables.

If the two of you enjoy spending time together, spend time together. If you become restless or resentful, spend less time.

Explore. See what develops.

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So get ready to laugh...

She tells me today (over IM, refused to pick up the phone and call me) - that she met another girl last Wednesday and has seen her 5 times this week and things are "getting serious" between them. LOL. I was kind of nonchalant, b/c I really didn't care in the end, but I was a little blindsided. I was going to continue seeing her just so I wasn't alone, but oh well. But at the end of the day... why am I a little down about this? I never really liked her all that much, she wasn't fun or interesting to be with, had no money to do anything, and brought nothing to the table....

any thought noddy?

thanks again
jess

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mp--

Sorry for the delay in replying--I've been out of town.

Win a few, lose a few, have a few draws. Love can be like soccer or chess or Monopoly.

You're entitled to feel a bit foolish, but devastated? Disheartened? Nope.

Your world was not the place you thought it was, but your heart is in same place and still in one piece. Springtime is a time for new beginnings.

Good luck.

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New relationship nerves...

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