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Mon 6 Mar, 2006 11:09 pm
Okay, so I realize it hasn't even been twelve hours since my last post. But I've been thinking lately that there is something seriously wrong with me. I think about sex constantly. That is the reason in my other thread I asked about whether or not I should sleep with my new boyfriend (or whatever we are) right off the bat. I masturbate every day. And that was never a problem before. But lately, I'm getting to the point where I cannot concentrate on my school work. All I want is an orgasm. And I know there must be more to it than that. I read on Dr. Drew's website that sometimes an overactive sex drive can be a symptom of manic depression.
This actually makes some sense with the way things have been going lately. I used to study so hard. But lately I just want to sleep all day, even when I've gotten plenty of sleep the night before. Even though I want to sleep, though, I rarely can. I'm uninterested in my classes, which would have been totally entralling for me previously. I can't explain it. Academics has been everything for me for so long. I can't even get the energy to clean my room. The only thing I have energy for is masturbation.
Oddly enough, I'm still "swimming" so to speak. I have A's in all my classes. But I am uninterested, and I'm falling behind faster and faster. This new guy is cool, but I don't know if he's really my type. But regardless of that, tonight I sent him an open invitation to "come over" (i.e. have sex with me), and he promptly refused. I was a little bit surprised by his refusal because when we are together he seems like he wants me - making out, touching me, etc. He said he had schoolwork to do. And I was glad because I realized what I had done. He's two years younger than me besides - so its possible he's a virgin. It's possible at any age. I apologised to him for being so open, and said I hoped he wouldnt think too negatively of me. But I feel so terrible. I mean, I feel like a total whore sometimes.
I sent him an explanation of the fact that I have been frustrated lately. And I didn't want to be like that. In fact, I kind of wanted to wait to see where things went first. But I let my frustrations get the better of me, and was very open about my intentions, which aren't even necessarily my intentions.
I don't think I should get involved with this guy. And I wonder lately if I am experiencing depression. I'm afraid to talk to a psychologist because I have before and it's never helped. I'm very lonely. I don't know how to go about making a real relationship. And I'm probably not ready for one anyway. But I'm so lonely, and sexually frustrated, and frustrated with school, and my overactive schedule. I feel like crying a lot. But I don't. *sigh* I could go on like this for a lot longer, but I'll spare you.
Any advice?
Whew. Well, I dunno about depression. Actually, to me it just sounds like you're bored.
Bear with me here.
The relationship is going okay but not earth-shaking (or so it seems from the comfort of my observational desk chair). School is fine but you're not being challenged. Seems like a lot of sameness in your life. So you fill the boring time with self-stimulation. And, bottom line, that's kinda boring, too (although it may not seem to be at the time). Certainly it's not more than a bit fleetingly fulfilling. Hence you get some kicks but they don't last. And then you're back on the same bandwagon.
I'm not dismissing your sexual frustration. Of course it's very real. And, you may be right, you may be experiencing at least some degree of depression and that may be triggering this spiral, too. If you feel the need, there's no reason not to go for counseling, at least to feel things out and see what you think. Talking to someone about your feelings can only be a good thing, I figure.
But what about trying to break out of the routine? I dunno, do things differently? The end of winter, waiting and aching for Spring to start, can be maddening. I find it almost worse than the dead of Winter because you've been through the greyness for so damn long. Found myself driving with the sun roof open the other day, even though it was only 25 degrees outside (with the heat cranking), as I was trying to will it to be Spring already, dammit.
So think about what engages you, usually. I don't mean right at this moment what engages you, but what interests you when you aren't lonely and depressed. Working out? Travel? Shopping? Reading? Knitting? I dunno. But whatever it is, is it plausible to do some of that? Right now, you are filling your free time with self-stimulation. What about trying to fill your free time with a different form of self-stimulation? You might find it improves everything else.
Re: lonliness, sex, and depression
daniellejean wrote:I sent him an explanation of the fact that I have been frustrated lately. And I didn't want to be like that. In fact, I kind of wanted to wait to see where things went first. But I let my frustrations get the better of me, and was very open about my intentions, which aren't even necessarily my intentions.
If you've only been with him for a week or so (that's what you said in the other thread, right?), then you don't really owe him this kind of an explanation yet. In fact, it could end up further scaring him off, if you think he's already scared. Maybe he actually just had a lot of schoolwork to do...
How old are you, daniellejean? Is this level of sex drive new?
I think that libido falls on a range like anything else; some people have a high sex drive, some have a low one, with variations over a lifetime and over shorter time spans, too, depending on circumstances/ outside factors.
It sounds like right now you're also going far enough with this guy to get het up (making out, etc.) but not far enough to bring that to a conclusion. So you conclude things yourself. Makes sense to me.
I don't think you need to pathologize the fact that you masturbate once a day, especially in those circumstances. I would be willing to bet that for most men, "high sex drive" would be high on the list of what they want for a long-term partner. Unfortunately, it's hard to just switch that off until you DO find a long-term partner.
I think you can address the other stuff -- sleeping too much, losing interest in school, etc. -- without necessarily making sex drive the culprit.
Maybe you can outright say to this guy, "Look, all of this making out and stuff is driving me crazy, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. I need to know if sex is in the cards."
It might scare him off, sure, but it might make him very very happy. And it is likely to help resolve this situation one way or the other.
Good luck!
OK, I just re-read -- yeah, this seems pretty straightforward to me. There is making out and touching but nothing more, and it's frustrating you. Sure.
I agree with jespah here. I don't think it's necessarily depression, and manic depression is a lot more than just what you've told us here. Personally speaking the times I have felt most unfulfilled is when all I can see is the problem I'm facing. When my focus is mainly on that one thing. When that one thing seem to become bigger than the other things in my life I lose focus on everything else. Which easily starts a downward spiral. Because I try fix it with one thing, it works for awhile, then I'm back to square one. Then I try to fix it with something else, it works for awhile, then I'm back to square minus one... and so forth.
When I can get my eyes off of the perceived problem and on something else it suddenly doesn't seem so big anymore. So consuming. So overwhelming. I don't ignore the problem, but I step away from it and put my main focus on something else. It is much easier to find answers to things when we don't feel consumed by the problem. I'm sure there are things out there that you enjoy doing but aren't necessarily in the forefront of your mind at this moment. If you can see what those are and start to progress towards them I think in the process you will find the answers you are looking for concerning the stuff you are struggling with right now.
Take care.
Don't worry, I can help.
I'll have sex with you, and promise NEVER to get emotionally involved. I'll even go a step further to prove that, by sleeping with other women too. And I'll allow you to use me as your personal sex toy. For a small fee, that is.
to answer a question posed, I am 20. He is only 18. But I think you are all right about my sex drive being normally high. I think part of the problem comes from my religious beliefs and the fact that I have never been able to reconcile my beliefs and my sex drive. That alone is pushing me to a breaking point.
Re-consider and re-analyse your religious beliefs then as there's little in the way of thought that you can do about a sex drive. I'm not saying this applies to you as I'd need to hear an expansion on "problem comes from my religious beliefs" but I always think it's a crying shame whenever someone has a huge weight hoisted upon their shoulders called Religious belief.
What I mean by that is a feeling of guilt or need to do, act and feel in a certain way that feels quite alien and opposite to us. People struggle away with reconciling their religious beliefs with any sort of practical matter and often struggle because they're unable to reconsider any fundamental beliefs they may have at their root. Religious beliefs should surely not push people to breaking points?
see I don't get why are men such "girls" these days you come onto a man and runs away he should be dam happy that i even took the time to look at him besides men are supposed to be up for it. aren't they?
Don't forget, college guys are tools. And I was their captain.
yeah, I felt a little rejected when he didn't take my advance. I thought guys were always up for it. But I know that it was for the better because casual sex is okay for some, but has only given me problems in the past. I tend to pretend in the beginning that I wont get attached, but I always do. Not to say that I still don't want to get laid. But I have to weigh the emotional consequences too.
I know this is the worst advice possible, but this is the sort of thing i would do- so:
from my experience anti-depressants kill your sex drive- so there you go. all your worries over in a pill.
and if you want something sensible to go with that, then use the time you are happy to work out what you need in your life and re-evaluate yourself etc.
Oh brother...
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