I recently met this fantastic guy, cute as hell, everything I like in a man, plus, he's got an english accent, which makes me melt. :-) And, I spent the last year in love with someone who was never going to work, and its been a while since I felt this way about someone upon meeting them! The only catch....he's in the middle of a divorce.
So, this guy and me, we met online as he put up an ad on a local site looking for a friends with benefits sort of relationship as he said him and his wife haven't been "married" in any sense but on paper in nearly a year, and he wanted to have some intimacy in his life again. I was at a stage where I thought I could use something casual and stress-free like that so I answered and we met up for dinner/drinks and really hit it off. We were both kind of nervous I think about doing something like that, but upon realizing we were both (somewhat) normal and just nuts it went well. The chemistry was amazing and I slept over his apartment the first night, even though all we did was kiss and cuddle, no sex!
So eventually we did sleep together, and that was simply mind blowing, but now is my dilemma.....it's been less than a month, but I know myself and I can feel that I am going to really fall for this guy. But I don't know if I should stick around to see what happens, or just end it now. His divorce isn't final, but I'm not worried about him staying with his wife, they are estranged and it's just a matter of paperwork and dividing the assets and etc I guess. What I'm more worried about is how to handle this with him....I don't want to scare him off by letting him think I want a serious relationship right away, because he's expressed that that this is the first he's been single in a long time and he's not sure how to deal with it, but I would like to keep him around long enough until he can get over that fear of getting serious with someone again.
I hope I have not confused you all, but I could use some advice! thanks
You entered this relationship with the common understanding that this was strictly a "casual" thing.
I can understand your hestitation in telling him that you want a serious relationship but... What do you think is going to happen down the road if you don't tell him and then drop the bomb after 6 or 8 months?
If you think he's going to "get over it" and come around to your way of thinking then I think you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
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sozobe
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Mon 6 Mar, 2006 08:55 pm
How single is he?
Is he actually living on his own and everything?
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Noddy24
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 07:03 am
The old-fashioned, repressed Victorians expected that The Bereaved would have two full years of mourning.
Modern thinking is that it takes two years for people to heal after a divorce.
This guy is not ready to settle down.
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Phoenix32890
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 07:14 am
Quote:
So, this guy and me, we met online as he put up an ad on a local site looking for a friends with benefits sort of relationship
And you decided to change the rules in the middle of the "game". He was very clear about what he wanted. You got together on that basis.
I am assuming that what he has told you about the state of his marriage is correct, but we really don't know whether it is the truth, do we? In addition, I would be mindful of Noddy's advice. She has a wonderful way of cutting directly to the chase, and I am in complete agreement with her.
Quote:
he said him and his wife haven't been "married" in any sense but on paper in nearly a year, and he wanted to have some intimacy in his life again.
Translated: I haven't "had it" for nearly a year, and I am horny.
IMO, if you cannot emotionally deal with the reality of your situation, for your sake you need to back off, before you get hurt.
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WhatToDo
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 02:53 pm
Sozobe:
"How single is he?
Is he actually living on his own and everything?"
He has just moved out into his own apartment. He is the one who wants the divorce, he has no ill will towards his wife, he just isnt in love with her, so he felt it would be wrong to kick her out of the apartment and gave their home to her. So he moved out.
Argh, so, two years huh? Surely that isn't a straight rule with no exceptions.....I dont know. I try to seperate myself, as I originally intended, by thinking of it as just sex, an occasional booty call, whatever, but then, he's so.....cuddly and warm and everything when he's with me, he loves to fall asleep next to me and tells me he hasnt felt this happy and relaxed in a long time. And then at the same time I know he doesn't want anything serious.....I guess I'm just confused. I could deal with casual dating, it doesn't have to be some crazy serious relationship right away, I just have never dealt with someone in this situation before and don't want to scare him off by doing or saying the wrong thing. Grrr!
Are there any divorced/recently divorced/soon to be divorced people (or those on my end) who can give me their views on their own situations?
Thanks to everyone for their advice, given and not yet given
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Eva
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 04:54 pm
Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you are Transitional Woman.
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flushd
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 09:28 pm
I agree with Eva, and Noddy, and Phoenix...
You are setting yourself up to be hurt by thinking/holding on to hope that ' he really, secretly wants to be with me in a long-term way'. You are telling yourself a story - and why?! There are good guys out there who do actually want what you want!
Take a breath.
He is happy and relaxed falling asleep beside you because in his head he is becoming free again! No obligations! He sees you as someone who doesn't want anything from him, a good time, a new experience.
I'm sorry, but he was real clear about what he wants. Believe him!
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Noddy24
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Tue 7 Mar, 2006 09:41 pm
WhatToDo--
You want to settle down in a cosy little cottage and he wants to explore the world--and himself--as a single man.
Right now, you are only a first chapter in his adventure book.
You two aren't even in the same plot line.
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Perplexed
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Wed 8 Mar, 2006 09:46 pm
all I read was the title and I thought "bad idea."
Just something to consider...
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roger
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Thu 9 Mar, 2006 12:14 am
Have to agree, Perplexed. If you are dating a man in the middle of a divorce, you are dating a married man. What can you expect, besides a summons to testify, I mean?
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Stray Cat
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Thu 9 Mar, 2006 10:14 pm
What to Do, there may be some people here who would disagree with me, but I've always thought that dating someone who is in the throws of a divorce is a fool's game.
IMO, it's so much better to let them get their divorce and have a cooling off period first.
I also noticed that you mentioned being afraid to talk to this man about having a serious relationship because it might "scare him off."
What to Do, this is something that a lot of us women do, and I'm now beginning to learn what a big mistake it is.
We need to try to be as clear as possible about what we want (first to ourselves). Then, when we hook up with a man, we need to be up front with him about it.
If he wants the same thing you do, he'll stick around. If he doesn't, it's better you find out as soon as possible. There is no point in entering into a relationship with someone who doesn't want what you want, hoping that you can somehow bring him around to your point of view.
Getting married is not necessarily the goal for everyone. But it may be that you want a serious committed relationship outside of marriage. You need to define what it is you're looking for.
I'm not suggesting you have to start discussing it with him the very first time you go out with him, but it should be early on in the relationship.
I think men appreciate directness. Too many women try to suppress what it is they really want, hoping they can "spring" it on the man later. It usually doesn't work out too well.
I'll also add something that a man -- whose opinion I value and respect -- recently told me: most men rarely get serious about a woman who starts off with them as a "friend with benefits." Fortunately, I've never tried that route. I don't think I will!
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OCCOM BILL
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Thu 9 Mar, 2006 11:00 pm
There's too much agreement on this thread. :wink:
I am a man who doesn't discriminate based on artificial timetables. I see no profit in doing so.
It is certainly a long shot to snare a man off a marriage-wasn't-getting-any rebound... but what are the normal odds of landing someone worth landing? Ever hear the good ones don't last long? Or "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"?
Proceeding now is for sure a long shot. Waiting an arbitrary 2 years and hoping he's available is surely just as far out. I know one happily married couple who were introduced by their respective husbands and wives at the time... couldn't fight fate... divorced, married each other and have been living happily ever after.
If you're strong enough to deal with the probable failure; I say go for it. Life is short, and as unlikely as it may be, this could be your man.
(Recommended listening: Billy Joel's "Matter of Trust"-> "I won't hold back anything and I'll walk away a fool or a King."
There, now it's not unanimous. :cool:
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mystery girl
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Fri 10 Mar, 2006 04:03 pm
As a person in a similar situation - though the one divorcing, not the one dating someone going through it - I can tell you that although I would tend to agree wiht the caution the ohters have tried to advise you to have, I personally am in an emotional place where I can have a full emotional experience with someone. No, my divorce isn't final, and we're still working out living arrangements, but it's my call and there's no going back for me. I've spent a year coming to the decision and have had emotional involvement along the way, so I don't feel anyone I'm seeing now is necessarily Transitional Man. May be, or it may just be a matter that it doesn't work out, but I'm fully able to love and feel and consider a possible future (or the possibility of a possibility, if you know what I mean).
That said, divorces are stressful, and you never know what the ties with an ex-to-be are...and if you don't *know* from him where things are, then take this approach: be light, enjoy him, but don't get lost in it until he gives you real signals.
Divorcing people aren't off-limits or unable to move forward with someone new...but it is a complicated time for everyone. Take it easy, and enjoy what you're doing. :-)
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WhatToDo
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Tue 21 Mar, 2006 08:38 pm
Hey all
Thank you for all the advice. It's nice to hear it from both sides! Here are a couple updates:
I stayed over his new apartment last night (the wife gets the condo) :-)
It was great, we just relaxed and hung out, and we had a few too many glasses of wine at one point so he got talkative. I was laying on his chest, he's hugging me, and staring at me, and then just tells me I'm gorgeous. I didnt know what to say to that so i smiled and said thank you. and then he's staring at me, and says "I know you just came over here for sex, you know, but i am really enjoying the company, just laying here with you."
I guess i seemed surprised, becayse he asked me if that was ok, the part about him enjoying my company as opposed to just wanting me there for sex. I said of course we were allowed to hang out, and He said "Oh , I just wasn't sure what the rules are here".
Was he just drunk or did he mean it? We are supposed to just be "friends with benefits" and what not, so I guess he is under the impression I just want sex and no ties outside that (little does he know.) But does this mean he actually likes me? Should I let him go on thinking I don't care and I'm just in it to get laid, or that I am really starting to like him? Again....I don't want to scare him off. Argh.
Look forward to seeing the new replies :-)
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Montana
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Wed 22 Mar, 2006 02:00 am
No, don't play games if you're truly interested in him.
You're both human and it's only natural for feelings to grow if you are attracted to eachother.
If you feel for him and he's expressing feelings for you, I say go with it.
You only live once so enjoy yourself while you can ;-)
I wish you the very best :-d
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OCCOM BILL
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Wed 22 Mar, 2006 04:22 am
Frankly, that sounds a bit weak. "Best friends with benefits" aren't usually exclusive. I'd tweak his jealousy button by mentioning some cute guy that's been hitting on you (which I imagine is true)... to see how he responds. The "milk for free" thing could prove detrimental, if you don't give him some reason to want to commit.
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