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Mon 20 Feb, 2006 06:10 am
We do precision guesswork
Born free . . . Taxed to death
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Am I ambivalent? . . . . Well, yes and no
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people
Budget: A method for going broke methodically
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
Few women admit their age . . . Few men act theirs
Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
Keep talking . . . . . I always yawn when I'm interested
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control
People like you are the reason we have middle fingers
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If you read in the bathroom, is that considered multi-tasking?
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others
Some people are alive today only because it's illegal to kill them
One nice thing about egotists -- they don't talk about other people
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat
Confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the reputation
I'm really easy to get along with once everyone learns to worship me
I told my boss that I was a great asset . . . . . he said I was off by two letters
That money talks, I'll not deny. When mine speaks to me, it says "Good-bye."
PUNS
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was asalted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common? Well "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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