I can't belive this is happening to me...

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HI aBle2know!
Since my last visit, a lot changed in my life-From happiest, luckiest person, I turned into the opposite. What happened?
Three years ago, I met one person. We were not dating at that time, but were talking on the phone once in a while. Than we met. Started dating. I horribly fell in love with him. Trusted him everything I had-My secrets, my life, my everyday stories. Never cheated on him. The idea of touching anybody after being with him, sounded disgusting. I was jealous, he was. I was very serious about this person. Was dreaming of getting married with him some day, and having babies with him. But...Once in a while, I had this romantic-helpless "I-WANNA-MARRY-U" mood, and every time he would tell me the same "do not upset me with this stuff right now. I am busy, I need to work, need to concentrate on what I am doing. I loved him, and did not want to be pushy or demanding.
Three days ago, My mother wrote me a horrible email-She met one of her old friends, and he asked if I was doing all right. She said Yes she is. Then he told her "She should be careful. The person she is living with is a married. I know his family very well. He's been married for 4 years, and his wife is waiting for him back home(aka one of the post USSR countries)
I heard he is living with ur daughter, she should leave him. Because his father is horribly against her, and said he will never accept her as a daughter in law.
I read the email, left my work, wanted to see his face. And he denied for the first 10 minutes. Kept telling me "Do not trust everybody"
Then he said it was true.
And the end of the story, me-Heartbroken, do not want to leave him either, but I know I should. The only question is "WHY?"
Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to his faithful wife?
Him:Does not want me to leave him. Says he does not love her. Loves me more than himself. BUT HE CANNOT DIVORCE HER!? WHY? Cuz he feels guilty for her waiting for him for 4 years.

I am stunned. What would u recommend me to do?

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Dump him. He is a liar and a fraud. He wants things both ways. You deserve better.

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Yes, yes, yes, get him out of your life as quickly and cleanly as possible!
He has nothing for you but lies and pain.

I know you are terribly heartbroken and hurt, and my heart goes out to you, but you will only get hurt more badly if you allow him to stay in your life.

I would call trusted friends, family, whoever you are close to and trust, and figure out a plan to get out of this situation. Do you have somewhere to stay or would it be him who would be leaving the home you two share?

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flushd wrote:

Yes, yes, yes, get him out of your life as quickly and cleanly as possible!
He has nothing for you but lies and pain.

I know you are terribly heartbroken and hurt, and my heart goes out to you, but you will only get hurt more badly if you allow him to stay in your life.

flushd wrote:
I would call trusted friends, family, whoever you are close to and trust, and figure out a plan to get out of this situation.

My mother is my closest friend, And she is worried more than I am. So, when talking to her, I tried to act calm, told her I knew that he was married, that I am not hurt at all. Do not love him. That this was just a silly mistake, but I still do not regret(I was telling her everything a mom would like to hear from her daughter, instead of seeing her hurt. She seems to be ok now.

flushd wrote:
Do you have somewhere to stay or would it be him who would be leaving the home you two share?

It was a rental. None of us can stay there, if another one will leave-too expensive for one person. I was looking for an apartment. Responded to some ads in the craigslist, nobody wrote me back yet. Waiting. It is hard to move out in three days. I need some time.

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NoNe wrote:

...I was telling her everything a mom would like to hear from her daughter, instead of seeing her hurt. ....

Your mother, I am sure, would rather hear the truth from you. Even if it hurts.

But that may be too much to expect from you right now. You're right, you need to move. And that does not happen overnight, but other things can happen overnight or close to overnight, such as untangling any tangled finances and looking at apartments. Moving during the winter stinks, but it beats the hell out of living with a shameless liar and cheat.

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hardas it is, this relationship won't ever be honest. look at his past with you and how easily he lied to both you and his wife. also, he's a home wrecker. he could next wreck the home you two make. why did he do it? people stun me all the time. and I wonder, too. but, we're all on this bump 'em car ride sort of, where we drive along and sometime hit each other and the other one who's been hit hits back and then the original banger upper turns away, or straightens out on the road or whatever. My point, don't overestimate someone else's intelligence. I'm coming to the conclusion that stupidity is responsible for many of the problems we encounter, followed closely by selfishness, and the two often go hand in hand. You're better than this! Mary@greattownusa

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Hello, NoNe, haven't seen you post in a while.

I sympathize, this is all very difficult.

My only advice - be honest. If you don't want to be honest, don't fabricate, just say nothing.

Oh, and leave his ass.

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Please do not marry him or continue with him even if he divorces his wife (he won't - even if he does, he's not worth it).

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He keeps saying me he cannot divorce his wife. Because she's been waiting for him for more than 4 years and was loyal to him. I do feel pity for his wife as well. But, how does he think it will work out? Is he going to keep living with me, and be still married to her? who the hell am I? I am in such a pain. I wish he could tell me, he was weak then, now he will divorce her, and marry me. But instead, he keeps telling me he will buy me an apartment and live with me there, leaving his wife with his parents. Honestly, this sounds like in old times, when a guy would buy a house to a prostitute and visit her three times a week. I feel so down. I could not move out yet. He keeps telling me he can't let me go, and I my heart is crying. I am in such a pain. Lost 11 pounds in a week. I think I will get sick this way, will I???
What do people like me do? How do they deal with their pain? I did not know I was so addicted to him. A second without him, is like an hour. Damn me, God. I think I deserve this.

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Hey there NoNe.
My heart goes out to you and I fully agree with the others in saying "leave him"! And don't you be blaming yourself and saying you deserve this! This man lied to you and his wife, so he's the one who betrayed you both and is the only one at fault here.
No one deserves this.
I know this is so very painful for you right now, but the sooner you end it with him, the sooner you'll recover from him and trust me when I tell you, you will recover.
I've had my heart ripped out more than once and even though it took some time, I recovered quite nicely, just like you will.
Even if he devorced his wife to marry you, do you really want to be with a man who cheats?
After all, if he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you too and as far as I'm concerned he's cheating on you both.
Please do yourself a favor and dump the loser. You deserve much better than that.

And losing 11 pounds in a week is not good at all, so you really need to make sure you eat ok. Weight loss at that extent is dangerous and you need to take care of yourself.

I wish you the very best.

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You asked how to deal with the pain and I found many things helpful when I was nursing a broken heart.

#1. Pamper yourself. Take long bubble baths, do your hair, nails, etc....

#2. Try to keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy doing. Hobbies, etc...

#3. Exercising helped me a lot, but you need to make sure you're eating a heathy diet. Since you've lost so much weight in just a week, I'd hold off on that for about a week so you can eat right and gain some strength.

So, keeping busy will keep your mind somewhat occupied while you recover from your sense of loss.

Most impotantly, you need to be good to yourself.

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Gonna reply in, I dunno, orange. It's a nice color. And I apologize if I sound harsh. It's not that I don't care -- it's that I do.

NoNe wrote:

He keeps saying me he cannot divorce his wife. Because she's been waiting for him for more than 4 years and was loyal to him. Nope, it's because he's got things both ways and for him it's great fun. He gets all the benefits and none of the guilt. I do feel pity for his wife as well. Then leave him. But, how does he think it will work out? It's not important what he thinks; it's important what you think. Is he going to keep living with me, and be still married to her? So long as you allow it, yes. He's got it good. who the hell am I? Someone who has bought into his story, I'm sorry to say. I am in such a pain. I'm very sorry to read that. If he truly cared, he would not be perpetuating that. I wish he could tell me, he was weak then, now he will divorce her, and marry me. He won't. He will not upset the apple cart. He has everything in his favor, so why should he change it? But instead, he keeps telling me he will buy me an apartment and live with me there, leaving his wife with his parents. Yes, and he will keep feeding you that line for as long as he thinks you'll buy it. Honestly, this sounds like in old times, when a guy would buy a house to a prostitute and visit her three times a week. Bingo. Sorry, but you hit the nail on the head there. You're his bit on the side and, in case things don't work out with you, he still has his wife and what remains of his respectability at home. I feel so down. I know, but it will pass if you let it and don't dwell on things. I could not move out yet. Then work to start getting yourself into a position to be able to move out. Be proactive about your life. He won't be. It's up to you to take charge of your own life. He keeps telling me he can't let me go, and I my heart is crying. Because he has it good. You see, there's nothing in it for him to let you go. If you want things to change, you will have to be the one to make the change. I am in such a pain. Lost 11 pounds in a week. I think I will get sick this way, will I??? Well, this kind of heartache does not do anyone any good. I know that you cannot get over him immediately, but you need to start to focus on other things, and focus on the fact that there is pain and he is causing it and he is not helping you heal. Turn that pain and anger around and focus it. You are not the problem. He is.
What do people like me do? They pick themselves up. They dust themselves off. And they, when the time is right, move on. How do they deal with their pain? They take it in little chunks. They don't think about it, don't dwell on it, for as long as they can stand it, even if that's only five minutes. And then the next day, they think about something else for six minutes. And, just like athletes getting into shape, they slowly work their way up, until eventually they are spending more time not dwelling on things than they spend dwelling on them, and they start to realize, hey, I don't need this. I can move on now. I did not know I was so addicted to him. A second without him, is like an hour. But it doesn't have to be that way. Like I said, you can very slowly train yourself out of this. He has no control over your thoughts - you do. So play cards, ride a bike, watch a movie, cook dinner, go to the park. Do whatever you need to do to get a break from it all. Do that for yourself. Damn me, God. I think I deserve this.

No, you don't deserve this. No one does. And recognize how miserable you are. You need not be the doormat/martyr in all of this. Take that anger and that misery and focus them where they belong -- on this guy who is having it both ways.

Think about this, and think hard: if it was your best friend, your sister, your mother going through this, would you say they deserved it? Would you bow down to the almighty fate that made them miserable and dependent? Of course not. You'd help your friend, sister, mother. You'd do whatever you could to make them happy again, to help them get on their feet and get over things. You don't deserve any less than your friend, sister or mother. Really. You are valuable.

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NoNe wrote:

He keeps saying me he cannot divorce his wife. Because she's been waiting for him for more than 4 years and was loyal to him. I do feel pity for his wife as well. But, how does he think it will work out? Is he going to keep living with me, and be still married to her? who the hell am I? I am in such a pain. I wish he could tell me, he was weak then, now he will divorce her, and marry me. But instead, he keeps telling me he will buy me an apartment and live with me there, leaving his wife with his parents. Honestly, this sounds like in old times, when a guy would buy a house to a prostitute and visit her three times a week. I feel so down. I could not move out yet. He keeps telling me he can't let me go, and I my heart is crying. I am in such a pain. Lost 11 pounds in a week. I think I will get sick this way, will I???

What do people like me do? How do they deal with their pain? I did not know I was so addicted to him. A second without him, is like an hour. Damn me, God. I think I deserve this.

You don't deserve this. No one does. The thing I've noticed sometimes about most women is we are easily suckered by our emotions. If it "feels" right we will go to great lengths to maintain that "feeling" even if there's 100 red flags along the way. I did this myself just recently and married a man I thought I loved, only to realize he isn't who he portrayed himself to be. I now recognize it is not him I loved but the idea of who he said he was.

The first thing you need to do is stop punishing yourself for the situation you are in. Yes, you made a choice and got where you are, however your story doesn't have to end there.

The next thing you need to do is recognize who he really is and that his intentions towards you are not good. Are you really in love with him or is it the idea of him that you hold in your mind you are in love with?

Once you've done these things you can take action to better yourself through this situation. I understand how difficult this is, believe me. I'm not out of the woods yet but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. You are in the right place asking for help here. There are a lot of wise people who sincerely want to help.

I thought I would share a little piece of my blog from today, maybe it will help you to see you are not alone in how you feel and you can make it through this:

Quote:

...I won't disregard all people because I made a bad choice. It's no one's fault but my own. I can still have my dream, it's really not too late for me. I just have to get all my ducks in a row. I'm not sure where to begin really. It seems kind of overwhelming right now. I know that I need to stay where I'm at for just awhile to get everything in order. It's going to be hard for the girls I work with when I leave. This saddens me greatly. I didn't want to be just another person to walk in their life then walk out. The thing is I shouldn't be here right now. I don't think they will understand that.

I hold no regrets anymore about any of this. I can see it for what it is. I have learned, I have grown, and I have become stronger because of it. And those girls have made my life a little richer. I will tell them that too and hope they believe I mean it. I know it's not over, it's barely begun really, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. That's what I needed. To see where the light is so I know which direction to go. That's the thing about being in the dark about something, there's no sense of direction, no sense of light, no sense of being sometimes. It's a scarey feeling to feel like you are losing yourself, but how awesome it is to find out who you really are in the process. It is resistance in life that makes us stronger. I will hold my dominion.

Edit 1:11pm:

After having given this some more thought I realized something...

If I hadn't gone down this road I wouldn't be here at A2K right now. I would be... hmmm... maybe in Arizona or New Mexico. I don't know, somewhere out west... But now... wow... this is so cool because I'm here and I've met so many awesome people. It's amazing really. And I know when I begin my journey across the US I will always have a place to call home.

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Hey guys, thank you.
Sometimes I am amazed by people of this country. I am an immigrant. Always had an image of "Americans-cold-blooded" stereotype before I ended up in this country and discovered how different people can be. I am so thankful(and I really mean it)
I just realized thinking about him and me and all this crap(sorry) going on in my life-I am just scared of getting hurt again. I think I am sort of person who would go with what he/she has for now, and will not think about the future...because of the fear. He was so sweet. Never abused me, never hurt me(well, this sounds stupid, doesn't it? Laughing

) Was always there for me. When I was sick, he would call sick as well, and take me to the hospital. Make me feel pampered. U guys do not know the whole story, and maybe this is the reason why u r being harsh on him. Ok
We are both from the country where arranged marriages still take place:
He was forced to marry a religious girl(have u seen in pictures these arab ladies covered head to toe?) and was with her for two months. All this time commuting between two cities(he was getting his visa and immigration stuff done) He says(And I trust him, because I know how it all works) he does not have any feelings for his wife, but pity. He feels guilty that she was waiting for him, cleaning his parents house in his country, and was loyal to him, and waited for four years(4 YEARS, PEOPLE!). He is telling me-screw people, screw what they say, what they think about our relationship. I wanna be with u legally, illegally, I want u to share with me my life. Chose now, do u really care about paper stuff? and thought and realized-I DO!
I am from the same conservative community like he is. Why he is not thinking about my parents? It is a Huge shame when a daugther goes against his parent's will and becomes somebody's lover. I said, "U an ready to go against all these wild traditions, I am ready to be with u, just divorce her. I do not want u to have two wives at the same time" He says he cannot. And now I end up with bad reputation (well, not virgin=whore) and probably a decent guy will never marry me. Sad

All this stuff makes me so sick. I am nervous. Should I get hymer restoration surgery? I thought of it last night, and thought, It is the most stupid thing I can do. Why would I lie to a person whom I will marry in the future? And Why would I like to be with a guy who cares about my past more than about who I am? I decided to leave everything the way it is(pointing at my pee pee Laughing

)
I am moving out. Found a Mongolian roommate(dunno how it is gonna work out though Rolling Eyes

Never lived with stranger)
So, wish me good luck. Thank you one more time, warm people of this Amazing country! Smile

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Hey None,

Good to hear that you've moved out and I'm sure better things are waiting for you ahead Smile

...

None, you speak of arranged marriages - i come from a country where arranged marriages are common.
Your ex-boyfriend cannot hide behind the excuse: "forced into an arranged marriage". Nobody (except illiterate young girls and boys from backward villages in India) can be "forced" into a marriage. You make your choices. At best, i can say, he did not want to give up the "benefits" that come with belonging to a close-knit family/community. That's why he chose to marry her. Once he made that choice he better stick by it. Imagine the injustice that he has meted out to a woman who has waited for him for 4 years. If he has the guts to say "screw people" - he should have said that before he married "forcibly" shouldnt he?....does not sound good, None.

Good you are out of the mess. Good luck Smile

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Wow, NoNe. Well, thanks for teaching me a lesson in not jumping to conclusions. Laughing

It is easy to make assumptions without taking the time to hear the whole story.

I still think you are doing the right thing in getting out (see sakhi's post).

I think you are a courageous woman. I burst out in a great big smile reading about your thoughts about getting surgery, followed by "Why would I lie to a person whom I will marry in the future? And Why would I like to be with a guy who cares about my past more than about who I am?"
You Go girl!
I am so happy for you. It is no small achievement to think like that while in great pain.
You are certainly on the right track, and I suspect you have incredible amounts of personal strength in you. You're getting a chance right now to see just how deep that goes, and that can be a positive thing coming out of this experience.

Lots of luck, love, and happiness, NoNe!

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I can't belive this is happening to me...

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