Confused-Why can't I leave this relationship?

Well, ok. Ever hear of fifty ways to leave your lover? Seriously, that's all the info we get?

Click on her name for more info (her previous two posts).

Maybe start by tallying up what resources you have now. Do you have a job? Do you have parents you can stay with? A friend? Do you have any savings? You seem to be saying you are abused -- do you know what resources are available to abused women in your area?

There ARE options and resources available to you pretty much no matter what -- identify them, and then get a plan together, and then GO.

You can do it.

Thanx Sozobe. I will go check them out.

Sozobe That's the thing i do have a job(although im thinking of going back to school).I'm not too worried about the finiancial situation and my husband works away.So he's far away from me anyway.I have supportive friends and family.My biggest problem is not wanting to hurt him .Isn't that stupid!I'm not HAPPY.I don't even have to leave my home when the relationship ends.I just can't bring myself to end it.I trying thinking of all the bad times but then the good times creep into my mind.Maybe after all the years of control i've lost the ability to sometimes do for myself.We were young when we got together(19 yrs.old)So for a lot of years i've just been listening to him.He likes to control all situations!I get so mad at myself for not talking back and not saying what i want to make ME Happy.In away i feel selfish for wanting to be happy and not caring for his feelings.Waiting to hear back from you.Shaye

Hmmm.

I still don't know much of your story. (As Momma Angel indicates, it would be nice to have it all in one place.) Is there any concern about reprisal if you break it off? As in, is that kind of fear the problem?

Is the problem that you're not sure that you're making the right decision, for yourself?

If the answer is "no" to both -- if you're not worried about reprisals, if you're certain -- nothing more I can tell you than just do it. Take a deep breath, and do it. That strength will come from within you, not from without.

You say you dont want to hurt him? Now I havent read any of your previous posts but IMO people do this all to often: You would rather hurt yourself by staying with him than hurt him by leaving. How does he rate as a higher entity in your life other than yourself? Hurt him girl! You gotta do all you can to make YOU happy and if thats to hurt him, then I say hurt him! He will get over it. Trust me people have a way of surviving this sort of thing. But if you do it there is no going back, no f*** buddies or just one more time, it wont work that way.

Maybe the best way to break it off would be to tell him you guys need a trial separation, even though you feel it would probably be permanent.

You also must realize that you are only hurting him more the longer you stay. Let him go, move on with your life and let him move on with his.

I lived a lie with my ex for a couple years. I wish for her sake I had broken it off sooner. I took away two years of her life that she could have used to find/be with someone else.

I know it sounds stupid but i do still love him but i know i can't stay with him.He will never change!In the 15 years we have been together there hasbeen abuse.When i do try to leave he makes me feel guilty.He loves me the only way he knows how but i want true love and respect and LOYALTY(which i haven't always had)My oldest daughter has asked me repeatedly to leave and i know she is right.I know it has had a negative effect on her.I seem to have a pattern for letting people walk all over me.Im not scared he will come after me.I just don't want to hear him cry(although it doesn't seem to bother him when he makes me cry.I just am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells and living to make him happy.I am going to live to make my girls and myself happy.I'm really going to try and end it tonight when he calls me.Wish me luck!Im gonna think of my girls and be strong!Thanx everyone for listening!Shaye

Hi Shaye,

One key is in the words you wrote, right up there ^ -- his making you feel guilty for trying to leave may very well be a part of the abuse.

Now, I'm not in your shoes, but one thing I try to tell people to do is, get yourself organized. I know, it sounds trite. But it helps. That is, check out apartment prices. Figure out a budget. Decide where you would live. Visualize what needs to be done: financially, legally, socially, whatever. The whole nine yards. With the 'net, a lot of this can be done quietly. Essentially what I'm saying is, it can be very easy to avoid leaving if it looks really overwhelming, as if there are a million little details. Well, there are a number of details (although, if you are in danger, of course that stuff doesn't matter -- just grab your car keys and go), and those details can seem like an insurmountable mountain. Sometimes you need to see that you can afford rent, or that an area seems nice, or whatever. And every bit of that which is solved and decided and thought about is one rock taken off the top of that mountain.

You can do it. That mountain isn't as good or as important or as strong as you are.

A little crying for a lifetime of happiness. Seems like an obvious answer.

Jespa Thanx! I am lucky in that way he works thousands of miles away and i wont have to leave my home.I work full time so money isnt a large problem and he will have to pay child support(we have 3 daughters).It's just to say those words (were through!)But im working myself up to do it tonight when he calls.I'll let u know how it works out.

Nickfun........I agree and hopefully tonight i can keep that in mind.I know i can do it(i've been telling myself that all day)Just need to be strong and not back down.Then i think i'll feel proud of myself for standing my ground.Shaye

Good luck, we're pulling for ya.

Oh, and welcome to A2K.

Shaye--

We're on your side. Be brave.

Don't cave in girl. Whatever you do, don't cave in.

Shaye,

I don't know if this will help or not but it is always easier to choose what you know over what you don't know. Don't let fear of the unknown (your new life) keep you from standing fast and doing what is the best thing for you. You have been given some marvelous advice from many here.

Once you make your new start, I am sure you will feel like a new person! I am praying for you.

((Shaye)) I just saw this thread - and I'm praying for you....Let us know how you are doing...

Well i did it and it sure as heck wasn't easy!I don't know now if i can stick to it.I'm so confused.He swears he'll do anything to keep me and the kids even go to counseling for his temper.I feel though that even if he does i'd still always be walking on eggshells,he says i need counseling too (i think he may be right).DAMN im confused!!!!!!!!!!

Shaye,

Good for you girl! You took that first step. Just do the next right thing and you will be okay.

Do YOU want to go to counseling? You probably would benefit from it, but it has to be something YOU want to do for yourself. If he goes to counseling, that's great. But, I will tell you that my ex-husband would go to counseling too, but only when I threatened to leave. Then when things would just start to get better he would quit. I hope that if your husband does decide to go he really means it. He has to go to get help for HIMSELF. He can't do it for you.

I can imagine you are confused, Shaye. But, just do the next right thing for YOU and it will work out. Now, if you can get through the "it's better to have him here the way he was than not to have him here at all stage" you will pretty much have it licked. During that stage, one tends to forget the bad things and only remember the good things. I had the hardest time with that stage. But, I finally got through it and have a new life. You can too! Good luck and I am praying for you!