2nd relationship worries and blues

Re: 2nd relationship worries and blues


I am scared of getting hurt

I can't stop thinking about it

I fear I may regret time spent with him

Sometimes the relationship that needs to be rescued the most isn't the one between a man and a woman .......but instead, is the relationship we have with ourself.

Stop fearing. Stop giving all of todays power to yesterday. For yesterdays will almost always be full of regrets, my friend. It's a part of life.

You have gotten involved too quickly after your break-up.

Someone once told me that grief was a process that you go through. It's not a place you go to so you can wallow. I think a big part of you is still in the past.

Just give yourself time to heal, and save yourself a lot of grief in the process. I bet once you have let that soft heart of your's heal .... things you are feeling right now won't be such an issue. :wink:

Not sure anything I just said made sense. But I hope it did.

I'm more concerned about how little time you had on your own before jumping into this relationship than the fear per se or the long-distance aspects per se. Almost all of that describes how I felt when I met the guy I've been married to.

We BOTH had just come off of major relationships (though the "just" in our case was further in the past) and were both pretty fearful of getting hurt again, but both fell hard. Just a couple of months after we met, I went off to London (we live in the US) to study abroad for half a year. We kept up a daily correspondence, and picked things up right where we'd left off (actually, a bit deeper/ more secure) when we met up again. That was some 14 years ago.

So, the fear and separation parts don't worry me too much.

The short time between ex and new guy does, though that's also surmountable. Relax and have fun sounds like a good idea -- and be very good to yourself. Be ready to back off if it doesn't feel right for you, and be as honest as you possibly can with yourself about whether it is right or a crutch.

Anyway, you have a long long time to find a comfortable permanent relationship. You'll probably go through this situation a few more times (sad) but eventually you'll come out the other side (happy).

Thank you guys.

I just figured that im 17, i cant be bothered to worry. But i cant help it. I am feeling a bit happier today.
Is it still possible to heal while your in another relationship? I mean, i cant dump him just so i can heal, i think that would probably make the problem worse. I just told him to go easy on me and not to pressure me into anything.

do any of you regret times you have spent with partners? I dont think i will regret it if i just have fun.

How come you were posting about 'Origins of the Universe'?

It might be a sensible idea to keep in mind that there are approximately 325,000 males at every age in the UK.

If your "nutrition bed" is designated as 18-25 you have about 2.5 million young men to choose from.
The chances of the two you have so far met being the best you can get is very remote and it is likely that when you get to London and into the swing of things you probably won't even remember their names and will view them as provincial hicks.

Your problem seems to me to be associated with impatience and possibly stems from romantic yearnings picked up from errors in choosing reading and viewing material.

You most certainly oughtn't to be jumping into bed with young men you have just met.
If you are good looking and intelligent the world is at your feet.Try to go too fast at your tender age and it will be on your neck.Concentrate on your studies and keep yourself in good shape.

what do you mean how come i was posting about the origins of the universe? That was a different thread.

Yeah ok spendy, plenty of fish and all that. But i really dont want to regret spending time with anybody, as you are suggesting with the term 'hicks.'

If i have a happy time with him, how can i regret it.

I am always leery of someone jumping into a new relationship, right after breaking up from another, very intense one. Often, what a person gets himself into is what is called, a "transitional" relationship.



Good grief, girl. You broke up with your former boyfriend on December 10th, and found another boyfriend on New Years eve! That was not enough time to catch your breath, let alone be ready for another intense relationship.

The end of any relationship involves a period not only of grieving, but of taking stock in oneself. This goes double, for a person of eighteen. Late adolescence is a time of great change, and often by the early twenties, a person has changed markedly from what he/she was in earlier years.

This is especially true when one enters the university. In school, one will meet a much more diverse group of people, and be exposed to many ideas, thoughts, and different ways of perceiving oneself.

I would suggest that you see this guy when you can, but in the meantime concentrate on your studies, and making new friends. Also, IMO, you need to keep the relationship light. I know that this situation is giving you lots of emotional grief right now, but you still need time to discover who YOU are.

You also need to think about what it is about you that you could fall into an intense relationship, almost immediately after the end of another one.
You need to learn what it is like to be alone, and to love your own company. In that way, once you have done this, you willl be ready for a new, serious relationship.

yeah. I think i need to do that.
If i just stick it untill he goes away in april then maybe i can do that while hes away. god this sucks.

I now think i love him, but then half dont think i even care about him. im so confused.

I partially have to agree with what the others have posted about not having time to heal. Yes, it's a short time, but some people function that way. Some people feel like the best way to get over someone else is to jump right back in feet first. The benefit is that we (yes, I am one of them!) tend to feel like it's working because we start a new relationship and it's all sunshine and flowers. Love is grand and we are on top of the world. The disadvantage is that you don't get time to properly heal and it causes doubts, worries and troubles in your new relationship. You can't be secure in your relationship if you aren't secure in yourself. And like phoenix said, you don't know how to be alone. And sooner or later in life, you will have to deal with being alone (even if it's brief).

I don't know that there is a way to stop the vicious cycle of speed dating. I did it right up to my husband. Did it rob me of time I could have spent being single? Yes and no. Yes because I spent enough time casually dating to get a taste of it all in college. No because I never was completely without a man.

My advice would be to literally force yourself to stop worrying about it. We can't see the future and we don't know what will happen 5 minutes from now, let alone 5 months or 5 years from now. We only have the present. This moment. And you are ruining your moments by worrying about what might be. I know it's damn near impossible to talk yourself out of feeling a certain way but trust me, it gets easier.

Simply say to yourself that you will not think about or dread the situation that may or may not happen. Yes, there is a certain amount of certainty in that he will leave for a while but you might break up before then. You might find another boyfriend. There are a ton of possibilities. So remind yourself that can't forecast the future. And mentally force yourself to get a grip and think of something else. The first couple times, it's hard and you might do it 85 times a day. But eventually, you will learn to get a hold on it and it should get easier and then, it's only 60 times a day and then 45 and then 20 and pretty soon, you maybe only think about it once in a while. And this is good for things other than your current situation. Learn to control your thoughts, don't let them control you.

The Pentacle Queen - Honey, I can say with almost complete certainty that you DON'T love him, and as you say, you may not even care for him at all. He was a life raft that you grabbed onto when you felt all alone after your breakup with the 1st guy.

Oh no. But he really loves me. what should i do? i might ruin his life. I dont want to break anyones heart.

The Pentacle Queen- Not to worry. You won't ruin his life. Throughout time, young people have gone through these sorts of things. He'll get over it (unless he is a complete wackjob, in which case you shouldn't be seeing him in the first place).

I think that anyone who feels that she will break a guy's heart after a relationship of only a month, has a lot of living, growing and maturing to do.

Loving someone doesn't guarantee that they will love us back. We will never be able to avoid hurting someone else at some point in our life. You can't live your life for someone else.

2nd relationship
You are NOT responsible for him, and you would NOT be responsible for "ruining" his life. If he loves you and you are beginning to realize that you may not be loving him back, he may be hurt and unhappy for a time, but it would be much worse for you to pretend that your feelings are equal to his. If that's the case, then the eventual - and inevitable - ending would be much worse, since, among other aspects, there would be the element of deceit on your part. And deceit in these situations, however well-intentioned is NEVER a good idea.

I am sure you were feeling betrayed, abandoned, and lost, not to mention inadequate, all of which could easily lead to starting a new relationship, but the ground on which you built it was very shaky.

I suspect that any reasonably appealing man would have satisfied you for a brief while.

Good words from everyone.

Have a hug, Penty. ((Pent))

You can do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. A young woman sometimes does break a few hearts on the way through life, but he will get over it. (Maybe even faster than you would like to see).

The bottom line is you have to do what is true for you.

Another perspective!
I agree with most of the things posted previously although not to their entirety. Although Bella Dae hit it from a different angle (she addressed your OCD type behavior) I actually agree with her angle for once!!
Here is a list of what I see wrong in the nursing format we use at my psych hospital in Delaware:
Assessments:
1) your very young
2) you enjoy outdoor activities
3) insecurity comes up
4) discomfort in being alone
5) you seem very unsure of your every move as if you make a lot of bad choices in life that you regret
6) the new guy seems to be a rebound or lifeboat as one said
7) you seem to settle or try real hard to make relationships work
8) you enjoy the thrill of newness and become discontent with the familiar
9) you worry wayyyyy too much
10) you gave yourself to the new guy way too fast
11) you haven't been very selective in your relationships
12) you seem eager to have someone regardless of compatibility
13) it seems you are missing something in your homelife
14) I'm sure you could pull something else but thats enough

Diagnosis:
1) your way to young to worry about a relationship
2) you are exercising
3) you are insecure with yourself
4) you don't know yourself, what you want, or who you are as a person since your still developing
5) you make poor decisions
6-9) you are not ready for a relationship
10) you have sexual needs
11-12) you are insecure, have low self-esteem, and not ready for a relationship
13) you haven't gotten much validation from one or both of your parents

Plan and Implementation:

1) concentrate on bettering yourself and make relationships less of a priority, make self-improvement your #1 priority, makes you more attractive to the opposite sex
2) keep exercising (climbing, walks, etc.) it releases endorphins that will make you feel better, like a natural high
3) find out what it is you don't like about yourself that makes you so insecure and improve it. Attack it like its the enemy. If it's something you can't change(born without an arm, etc.) accept it and move on
4) spend more time for self-reflection, keep a journal, explore your innermost feelings, meditate, write a list of all of the qualities you value in the opposite sex, as you date you can add things that you've liked, erase things you found out you didn't like, and make a list of things that you find absolutely incompatible with your personality
5) take some time to make decisions that may effect you long term, don't rack your brain non-stop. Think, put it away, stay busy in life, come back to it, think, put it away, stay busy in life, keep this up and eventually decisions will become easier. If you obsess over these matter you will need higher doses of anti-depressants because you will overwhelm and confuse yourself! If your gut tells you something go with it. Don't overthink or overuse your emotions. Sometimes it is ok to be self-centered to maintain your own serenity. If you wrap yourself up in worrying about hurting others you neglect to consider your own hurt.
6) date for a while, a long while, make a decision to not commit to anyone and don't look for a relationship. After you compile a good list of qualities you like, work on yourself, and stay active, eventually Mr. Right will come along and things will fall into place naturally without being forced. It will feel natural and you won't have all these mixed up feelings. It will feel good.
7) have sex when you feel the need, use protection and don't confuse lust with a meaningful, healthy loving relationship
8) keep working on bettering yourself and staying active. Your self-esteem will grow and you will be more secure in yourself and your decisions.
9) address the issues with your lack of validation, probably with your father. Don't expect them to do anything about it. Just acknowledge it, accept it, and move on. Once you understand it and accept it, those feelings will no longer be a hindrance to your success in life and love. You will love yourself in all your goodness and be able to share that with someone deserving of your affections. Take care, Have a great life, Sorry this is so long as that was not my intention.

cheers guys. I get such good help on here.
weird turn of events.

I called him up to ask to go on a break. Did that. felt better. agreed to phone him on friday. went to loo. found i was on period. was early. felt better. was happy. he then surprised me by turning up at my house. took me out for dinner. had best time ever. really do like him now. had dream about ex. but am still happy. figured id just let thing lie for a bit and have fun by self and see him later. stop being pathetic over-hormonal teenager. get life. do work.