When you lose yourself.....

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My story is a long one so I won't bore you with it.... suffice to say that we dated for 3 years, and the relationship had few ups and many downs.. the bottom line is that he loved me, but he wasn't "in love" with me... very cliche, but the hard truth. We broke up 5 months ago and he immediately started searching for a girlfriend online (match.com)-

well, one of our mutual friends confirmed that he in fact has a girlfriend and they have been dating for almost 2 months... she went with him on the annual family trip to the keys and he posted pics of their vacation online.
There are pics of them kissing, and one that shows them hand in hand and the caption reads "She said YES". I don't know if this is just his humor or if they are really engaged regardless,

my questions for all of you are these....

how do I get past the hurt that this has caused me? After 3 years he still couldn't say he was in love with me.... I know that some people are just not meant to be.. but that doesn't take away the hurt and resentment I have for him. He did cheat on me also, which I found out after I moved out.

I used to be very confident and happy, I am the exact opposite now-- I look at the pictures and compare her to me:

what does she have that I don't?

I look at his smile-- it's different from the pictures of him and I...he looks happy

I can't stop the thoughts from following me everyday... every little detail bothers me:

I should have been on the vacation with him and his family, as I was the previous 3 years...

How could he find someone so soon after we broke up?

If he did propose, the thought alone makes me sick.

It is not that I want him back, I know we are not right for each other, yet I am still jealous that he has someone and I do not. I come home to an empty apartment, etc. I am constantly thinking that I am the one that deserves to be happy, not him. - after all, he cheated on me, didn't he?

he treated me poorly and was never there for me the way a boyfriend should be. He never spent time with my family or friends etc. I held the relationship together through time, effort and literally at the expense of myself- Lost who I was when I was with him, and that has made the last 5 months harder than it would have been had I kept a life of my own, instead of making his life mine.

I lost a lot (almost all) of my friends because I was too occupied with him, my life literally revolved around trying to make him love me

Is it normal for me to still have such resentment and self doubt- 5 months later?

I know inside that I deserve better but how can I go into another relationship when I feel that I can't trust and that I am not lovable.. I feel the last 3 years were wasted time, I don't want to do it again.

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank you

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Book an exotic holiday with a group of your friends and/or hit the town with them for a week or two, is what I reckon.

Then, take stock of what you want out of life, take a very deep breath...and go for it.

Life's too short, jenlost.

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Yeah.

One thing I have seen over and over again is the phenomena of the starter relationship (it doesn't have to be the first serious relationship a person has, but often is). Say there's some guy named, uh, Guy. (I'm unimaginitive this morning.) He enters into a relationship with Gal. Guy is new at this, and makes some mistakes. Gal is patient and understanding. They get through it. Guy still feels guilty. Guy and Gal have various serious Relationship talks. Guy still thinks of stuff he did wrong every time he looks at Gal. Guy and Gal break up.

Then, Guy goes looking for a Brand New Fresh Start, someone who doesn't make him feel guilty every time he looks at her. He finds a likely candidate, and treats her well, implementing the lessons he learned in the starter relationship (i.e., many of them from Gal). New Start Girl thinks he's wonderful. They get married.

It's not that Gal has done anything wrong -- she just came along at the wrong point in Guy's relationship development.

It happens the other way 'round, too, of course.

That's what I've seen a lot of, anyway.

Meanwhile, DON'T GO GOOGLING HIM!!! That's just torture. Focus on yourself, doing things you enjoy, moving on. It won't happen right away, so don't be down on yourself if you're mourning for a long time, but it'll happen.

Take care.

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you took the word out of my mouth...
I referred to myself as his third, yes third "starter relationship"-- the one that molded him so that someone else could reap the benefits...

and it seems that is exactly what happened.

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Use this relationship as a lesson. It is not healthy to get so involved with a person that you become lost as an individual. No relationship can remain happy when one person sacrifices their individuality and confidence for the love of another.

It is chemistry that makes a good partnership. Two individuals combine what they have to offer each other and in the process enhance each other's life. Perhaps you got so lost yourself in the relationship that you could no longer offer this man what he originally found attractive in you.

It's time to move on. As a woman who has loved and lost and loved again and again, I can testify to the fact that it is worth the effort to keep looking and staying in the game. You know the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"?- well it's true. Instead of allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity, take that energy and direct it into making yourself the best woman you can be and in the process you will likely attract a man who will appreciate and love you for your efforts.

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You can take lessons from this to use in the next relationship, too -- like never losing yourself, no matter how in love you are.

Keep your network of friends, keep your interests, ask every day whether you WANT to be with that person.

That was one of the main lessons I learned from a similar relationship I had. He'd pursued me at the beginning, but once I committed to him I committed. I was gonna make this work. I realized, once it was over, that it wasn't enough about whether I actually loved him or wanted to be with him at that moment. It was too much about wanting to finish what I started.

So I've made a point of being ready to leave if it wasn't right for me in relationships after that. (This included after marrying my husband, but got more complicated once my daughter was born. But an 8-year base of knowing we were together just because I really WANTED to be with him was very helpful.)

What's your social life like now? Are you doing anything that will introduce you to new people? (Not for a relationship, necessarily, just social contacts.)

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Oh, I hadn't seen Green Witch's post, honest!

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sozobe wrote:

Yeah.

One thing I have seen over and over again is the phenomena of the starter relationship (it doesn't have to be the first serious relationship a person has, but often is). Say there's some guy named, uh, Guy. (I'm unimaginitive this morning.) He enters into a relationship with Gal. Guy is new at this, and makes some mistakes. Gal is patient and understanding. They get through it. Guy still feels guilty. Guy and Gal have various serious Relationship talks. Guy still thinks of stuff he did wrong every time he looks at Gal. Guy and Gal break up.

Then, Guy goes looking for a Brand New Fresh Start, someone who doesn't make him feel guilty every time he looks at her. He finds a likely candidate, and treats her well, implementing the lessons he learned in the starter relationship (i.e., many of them from Gal). New Start Girl thinks he's wonderful. They get married.

I KNOW HIM! it's E, the Monster. Heh, it is true that it often goes like that. Musn't grumble, at least the world is richer by one more civilized man.

J, there is no universal cure. Keep busy, surround yourself with friends or do what you enjoy doing.... just don't wallow in memories endlessly, and most of all - do not resort to self-pity. that won't do anyone any good, and least of all you. realization that you are a worthy person on your own will carry you a long way. love thyself, enjoy life, live a day at a time.

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I think we're just psychic Sozobe.

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to Green Witch
you are correct as well... he in fact used to ask me what happened to the person I was when we met-- I was carefree, fun and well, me. For the last year and a half of the relationship, I was smothering, jealous, needy and determined to convince him that I was right for him, that we were meant to be.

Pathetic, I know

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Not pathetic, just human.

You have just proved to yourself that this man was wrong for you. In a good relationship a partner will bring out the best in you, not the worst.

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In a good relationship a partner will...

Whew, checked before posting this time! ;-)

(What she said.)

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Give yourself time and focus on getting over him.
I found that with my first heartbreak, when he moved on to someone else, it wasn't the pain of breaking up that hurt so much, it was the humiliation of it all, feeling like such a fool, wasting six years of my life and imagining others talking and laughing at me behind my back. That was harder to get over than the boy but eventually, I did.

Just give yourself time. You won't feel like this forever.

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eoe- yes, it is harder than getting over him--

I have in fact done exactly those things-- especially after finding out that he had been cheating and was talking about it with people that we spent time with.

I feel like the lesser of the two of us, since he has a new, exciting, loving relationship... he has exactly what I worked so hard to get and I resent his new gf too, even though I don't know her. I"m jealous that she gets to spend time with his family, I was very close with them

in a breakup, you don't just lose the person, you lose their family, sometimes friends and literally your life as you knew it

I felt like a fool the last few months we were together and I still do, especially since he has made it clear that his new girlfriend is the one he has been waiting for... too bad I waited for him

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wow that was just like a poem..
but a very sad one..
all i can say is..
as time passes you'll learn to move on
thats what i think
just dont dwell on the memories too much
too painful
just live
forget him

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Y'know, the best advice has already been given: Live your life, go hit the town, mix things up, enjoy yourself....you will eventually think about him less, and feel better. It does take some time, and it is normal to mourn and go through all sorts of feelings.

When I was in a situation similiar to yours, I found myself thinking of ways to seek revenge. Not very mature, of course, but my thinking was " I have poured so much into this, and now I am being humiliated?! No way!".
A good friend of mine was clever enough to show me a way to harness that powerful energy without destroying myself.
Here's what she said " For every moment you dwell on him, he wins. For every moment you give to yourself, you win. "
I got real into "winning" and getting 'one up' on him.
Eventually I looked around and my life was improving, and he wasn't in it.
I started enjoying myself. I no longer cared about what he was doing at all.
In fact, the happier I became, the more genuinely I wished him well....
in a life without me!

I learnt that love doesn't =investment. Nope, it isn't like putting money in a savings account. hahaa. It was a seriously rough lesson.

The ol' "The best revenge is living well" thing. Laughing

Hey, it really is true.
Look at how his happiness is driving you nuts.
You don't deserve to suffer over it anymore.
Go ahead and let it go.
You deserve to think about whatever you want.
Do you really want to focus on him?
Look at how much you are learning from having had that relationship.
Look at how much you can do now that it is over.

Take care.
Have fun exploring jen again.

Laughing

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beautiful....

sniff Crying or Very sad

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Re: to Green Witch

jenlost wrote:

you are correct as well... he in fact used to ask me what happened to the person I was when we met-- I was carefree, fun and well, me. For the last year and a half of the relationship, I was smothering, jealous, needy and determined to convince him that I was right for him, that we were meant to be.

That's exactly what happened with my last girlfriend. First half of the relationship was fun, carefree, ect. Then she became extremely needy and jealous, for absolutely no reason.

There's one lesson you can take from the relationship. Nobody likes being around a jealous clingy person.

Either way, he cheated on you. If it makes you feel any better, he'll most likely cheat on his new girlfriend too.

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Chi dara al gran dolore?
L'ore

Who will end this great sadness?
The hours passing

So many have said such great things here jen. Perhaps it's a help to know you're not alone, not the only one.

You feel like you molded him....for someone else.
You thought you could "make" him happy.....but someone else did.

Feeling hurt, feeling foolish....it's natural.

It's okay to rent that place for a while....but don't buy it.

Someone, sometime, but it has to be when you're not looking, will make you feel joyous again.

Just stick around, there are amazing things in store for you.

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When you lose yourself.....

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