Irish jokes

An Irish daughter had not been home to visit her parents for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family -- I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad -- as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?

The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Here's a real groaner:
What's Irish and stays out all summer?
Patio furniture.

<running away>

<groan>

"That's me lot", said Paddy leaving the dentist's.

"I've just had all me teeth out - an' oim never doin' that again"!

"I tapped you on the shoulder", said Seamus "but when you turned round it was neither of us!"

"Where were you going when I saw you coming back? " asked Flynn "I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone. "


'She's a horrible woman,' said Murphy about his mother-in-law. 'She makes her own yoghurt. She puts a pint of milk on the table and stares at it!'

'God, the man is thin,' said Molly Flynn. 'He's like a set of teeth in a suit! If a door opens and no one comes in - that's him!'

The Maguire brothers were flying over the Sahara Desert when one said to the other:
'My God, look at all that sand. I wonder what they're going to build when the cement arrives?'

'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'



The specialist examined Rafferty and said 'I'm recommending that you be given a cortisone injection.'
Rafferty rang his wife and said 'Guess what? I've impressed them that much they're giving me a car!'




Murphy was fighting in North Africa and was a member of the long range desert group. He is selected for a top secret mission to capture General Rommel.
After disappearing behind enemy lines for over two weeks he sent back a telegram. Decoded, it read: 'Rommel captured!'
The joy was uncontrolled at regimental headquarters. But it was dispelled when Murphy arrived back. He was battered, bleeding and bedraggled.
'We got the message "Rommel captured",' beamed the colonel.
'No, sir,' said Murphy. 'It's been wrongly decoded. It should read "Camel ruptured".'

Perkowski and Wozniak were at the bowling alley when......

oh wait......

sorry.

Clancy's wife stopped him at the door one fine morning and wagged her finger at him. "Now, don't ye be stoppin' by that pub agin on the way home tonight, y'hear? I've invited Father Alain for dinner."

Clancy groaned. The parish had a new priest...and a damned Frenchman at that. Clancy had hoped to avoid having to meet him. But one look at his wife's grim face told him this was unavoidable. So he promised. No pub tonight.

"And would ye stop by the fish market and pick up some escargot? I want ta make him feel at home." Clancy nodded.

It was a hard day at work, and when the whistle blew Clancy remembered his work wasn't done. He still had that awful dinner to get through. He headed straight for the fish market, purchased the escargot, and started for home.

But as he passed the pub, his friends called out to him. "Clancy, old boy! There ya are! Seamus brought his fiddle and we're just startin' ta play!" Clancy couldn't resist. Seamus was the best fiddler in County Clare. He couldn't miss this. Of course, he had to have a pint of Guinness to clear his throat while singing along.

And then another pint.

And then another.

Finally Clancy looked at his watch. It was late! He'd been here three hours! His wife would kill him! He picked up the sack of escargot and staggered for the door.

Clancy barely made it home. He had to hold on to walls and fences the whole way. As he reached his own front gate, he stumbled and tripped over the step. The escargot sack ripped, and the precious snails went tumbling down the pathway. The front door opened at this very moment, and his wife and Father Alain were shocked to see Clancy face down in the yard, in a terrible state.

But Clancy, being the true Irishman he was, saved himself. Lifting his head and seeing the snails lying all around him, he waved at them and said...

"Come on there, fellas! You can make it! Only a few more meters and we're home!"

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"


Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"


How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.


How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."